carla1212

[carla1212]

Hi Lydia,
It’s been a long time since you posted on this — I’m just wondering how your situation has played out since then?
@;^)
Carla

[carla1212]

Hi,
I always think we have to remember what we are. We are a relatively rare breed, men are not usually socialized to be attracted to us. Some of them find us unattractive and some may like us but are embarrassed to be seen with us. And apropos your comment, I think that many are afraid to get into a relationship with a transgendered woman who has not yet fully transitioned. A guy once asked me if I was going to do the whole route, with hormones, surgeries, etc. And when I told him “No,” he said that was a big relief because he wanted to date me, but didn’t want to go through all that transition stuff with anyone and was afraid of having someone hitting him up for financial support through the process. Think about it: Why would the average guy let us make his whole life about our transition, if the goal is to become a woman. Why not just date a cis woman? That’s why I decided long ago not to transition. I feel more special because I have something cis women do not have.

[carla1212]

Hi Christy,
That is a a blessing, to have encountered the caring person you needed at just that moment. Well I guess this proves one thing — we can’t hold it against the whole Church just because a few people here and there may be a little insensitive. So, yah, I don’t hold it against Catholicism just because one person kind-of failed me when I needed him. Just like… I don’t hold it against the whole Church that some Catholic priests may have engaged in child abuse. Evil creeps in wherever it can, and priests are only human, after all. And there are so many genuinely good, incorruptible priests out there! But on my own side of the equation, I do tend to have attacks of guilt some times: Would my parents be disappointed in me? Did I ever hurt anyone by being flirtatious or seductive? Is it wrong to not just accept the gender God gave me? Isn’t the manifestation of my femininity just vanity, or lustful enjoyment of sensuous pleasures — the clothes, the perfume, the feel of a man’s body next to me, or whatever? These thoughts and others come back now and again. Nowadays, just to be safe, I prefer telling my tales of woe to my therapist rather than my priest….

[carla1212]

My brilliant insight for the day: Let yourself feel wholly, completely, unapologetically feminine… love and BE your feminine self, and everything else will fall into place.

[carla1212]

I am continually trying to understand myself, and one big question is: Why do I persist in trying to fulfill my commitment to the Catholic faith. Although I’ve been trans since puberty, I only started going to church in my female form about seven years ago. I’ve never had anybody be mean or unkind to me, I’ve never had any off-color comments, and nobody has ever refused my hand. I do pass but after all this time I don’t doubt the congregation has seen enough to spot me. But I struggle with the guilt they want to put on me in the confessional. When I was in my teens and 20s I went through a few brief phases where I was in-between boyfriends and felt very desperate for attention from men, so I often went out and about presenting and behaving in a slutty manner. And I did some things I’m not proud of. I’m looking for forgiveness not just from myself but from God. Well I finally told all this in Confession — probably the longest Confession ever! — and before being given my Penance I got a lecture that was really a bit out-of-bounds. These were sins from a long time ago, I didn’t need to be told that my feminine impulses and my transgenderism generally was a sign of hopeless moral corruption. I sat there and listened respectfully, I did my Penance and tried harder to be what I am within the bounds of my religion, whether or not they accept me. But I have to admit what the priest said to me really hurt my feelings. I cried over it. I feel guilty enough as it is, but never got the caring, loving forgiveness I was looking for.

[carla1212]

Hi,
I just saw your post – better late than never! – and I thought you totally nailed this. I present as a straight-but-single male in my professional life, family and certain in-between contexts, and I’ve had both straight and gay friends make awful comments when we are in public and see transpeople walking around here in Baltimore. I have to bite my tongue! But the thing that mostly disturbs me is that my gay friends and/or co-workers join right in, making fun of even the most passable, attractive and classy transwomen. I just don’t get it – of all people, you’d think they would see us as natural allies. But the one thing I do get is that a lot of transwomen are indeed their own worse enemies, too wrapped up in their individual worlds to see the bigger picture and work together. We need to grab a piece of our own turf in the world, before some fascist decides to take away what little we have.

[carla1212]

Hi Ladies! I am an M-to-F crossdresser, and when I’m in public I often use some padding in the hips and rear end to get my proportions right for my clothing. Like I always say, ‘Vanity, thy name is Carla!’ The padding has a wide, stretchy waist band that comes up to my mid- abdomen. I usually wear a slip or a stretchy body shaper over it, to help smooth out the lines, but if I’m wearing anything slinky, a body-hugging knit dress, tight-fitting lightweight sweater, etc., you can see the waistband of the hip/butt padding through the material. With some outfits it’s less noticeable but with others it’s distracting. I am wondering of anybody can recommend a better type of padding – preferably something tat does not cost a million?

[carla1212]

I can totally empathize with this topic. When you’re young and your patterns of social relationships are forming, gender dysphoria can really mess things up – unless you can come out completely with support not only from family but also from everyone at school. That’s your social world, and if they don’t accept you it sets up an awful pattern of hiding, pretending, deflecting… never really being yourself in a ‘real,’ normal social situation. I lived two lives as a teen. As a boy in high school I was popular, but I kept my school friends at a distance because I was afraid they’d find out. As a 16-year-old I could never really say to them: “Yah I am gonna go home after school and dress as a girl and then get on a bus to the next town and go shopping coz I need some new panties, and oh yah, anybody know a really sexy perfume? I’m seeing my boyfriend tonight and I wanna get him really hot and bothered.” That would’ve gone real well with the guys, ya know? With my workaholic parents never home, and my living in a separate in-law apartment on our property, I was out and about as a passable cross dresser every spare minute, having sex with older men, lying about my age, my name, everything. I went to college presenting as female, full time, but even then… oh gosh I am remembering the bad feeling when a female friend suddenly wanted me to try on some of her clothes at her place — it was a girl-bonding thing, and I just couldn’t do it because of what she’d see if I took my clothes off in front of her. I made all kinds of excuses and just left, it really damaged our friendship. It’s with me to this day, and it’s become part of my professional career in military intelligence — I score off the charts in being able to suppress my emotions, playing convincing roles under cover, deflecting and evading personal questions, keeping secrets, etc. Thank goodness my boss is gay, I came clean with him because I knew they’d find out sooner or later anyway, and I knew he’d understand and help protect me. And the fact that I have no close friends except for my boyfriend is a real plus in my line of work. So yah, if you think about it, in my social world I am still just playing an adult version of the same games I played in high school.

[carla1212]

Hi WildeGeist! Please keep us up to date on how you’re feeling as the hormones begin to take effect! I’ve never done it, maybe too afraid. But I think about it endlessly & it would be so helpful to hear what the transition is like for you!

[carla1212]

Hi,
Lydia your predicament is familiar to many. You are not alone. One thing I found is that helps to think of it this way: One’s not trying to become a woman, one is trying to become trans. After all, if we acknowledge that gender is all in our heads, we’re also admitting that the body may have other ideas. I have found that a lot of my guilt and confusion evaporated the day I realized this: I can pass as a woman, but I’m not one and never will be. When I was a teen and started dating men, using my feminine looks to attract them, I quickly discovered how much chaos I caused in their lives, how ugly and painful the ‘reveal’ always was, and how awful I myself could be, trying to manipulate men who cared for me into looking past the truth between my thighs. The saving grace is that some men really can love us for what we really are, not as some kind of second-class ‘female substitute’ but as transwomen. I think as transwomen we have to commit to total honesty from the beginning, or the people around us get hurt. No pretending to be male for some girlfriend, because that’s protecting ourselves, not her. And no pretending to be female for a straight boyfriend, because sooner or later the panties come off. So why not come clean with the gf, let her decide if she’s into what you really are, and if not… be confident that you’ll meet someone who is?

[carla1212]

Hi Seraphina,
Yes, your experience proves it: Your transgender identity has been pretty much bound and gagged but now sees the daylight — and the permission — to make its escape. Once you taste that freedom it’s very hard to go back and you may discover it’s about a lot more than dressing. You mentioned that you are married, and I am sure you very much love your spouse, but… be ready, you may discover that your life choices were shaped by a prison of denial. When I was a teenager, out and about as a passable cross dresser, I at first just thought it was all about looking pretty, feeling good in the clothes; and the kindness, attention and compliments I got from men were just that and nothing more. Then I managed to attract a man that I myself was attracted to and — uh-ooooooh! — I realized I had been trying to look pretty because I wanted men (especially certain ones!) to love and desire me. The very notion that I could be attracted to a man took me by surprise: I thought: “Yikes! Does this mean I am gay? Or does the fact that I can look like a girl make it okay?” Up to that point I just thought I’d be rampantly heterosexual like my dear old Dad and all my macho Italian relatives, but it suddenly hit me that I looked nothing like them. And I realized that I only got slightly turned on by the sight of a pretty girl, but majorly, wildly turned on when certain men would look at or flirt with me. I found that if this man (who became my first boyfriend) held me or kissed me, I’d just totally melt — and melting, feeling small and weak in his arms, suddenly felt way better than trying to play the part of a male. And once he got over the shock of what was in my panties, it became a fully sexual relationship and then… wooooooow! It took a long time to get my mind 100% around this and acceptance alternated with denial for many years — I ended up in a macho military career that totally didn’t fit me, and my post-military civilian career just built on my military experience… I don’t want to call it all a mistake but it’s not what my feminine self would have chosen if I had really acknowledged her existence. I’ve made peace, no more denial, no more guilt, but I have to wear a man’s clothes part of every day until I retire. Yet I am only happy when I am playing my feminine role, cooking for a man, pleasing him, pampering him — I could have been happy like that for my whole life. Moral of story: The sooner you find and start living the whole truth of who you are, the better, and yah, be ready in case you surprise yourself!

[carla1212]

Hi,
I’ve been celibate since March. I had been seeing a man for about 5 months, going out, staying in, cooking for him, lots of sex… really good sex! So much so that I was falling in love with him, & would even blurt out ‘I love you’ in the heat of love-making. I mean, the man is a national treasure when it comes to sex! Then when the whole COVID-19 thing started I was in Europe on assignment. It’s a branch of military/government service where I’m not allowed to bring my personal cell phone or computer. No personal communicationsmuch . The orders were issued with only a few hours warning, I had no time to tell anyone where I was going. But it was only supposed to be a week to ten days, and my guy (Larry) knows what I do for a living — he knows I sometimes have to disappear for a week or two. This time the op got complicated, extended, then we got locked down and quarantined because one of our guys came down with COVID-19. I had no way to communicate with Larry and I was stuck there for weeks; and then when we were released they rolled over our assignment and that added another two weeks. I am finally home… but afraid to contact him. When I got my devices back there were a hundred e-mails, texts and messages: First just ‘where are you?’ ‘are you okay?’ and then ‘you bitch, were you just playing me?’ Then much worse things than that… and then nothing since a few weeks ago. I am heart-broken thinking I’ve lost him – did you ever have a man make you feel like you’re the center of the universe every time he looks at you? Now he’s sent me messages so mean and hurtful, he can never take them back. Even if I could get over it, I am so afraid he’s moved on, doesn’t love me anymore, or maybe just can’t deal with the realities of my career. Am I being silly? What do I do?h

[carla1212]

Hi,
Yah this can get very confusing! Well I always say you just kind-of make your peace with it. Key thing is: Nobody is perfectly sexually fulfilled (well, maybe for about 15 minutes after nooky-time…), nobody is 100% sure of their sexuality, nobody is really all that comfortable with the way people perceive them. I find these thoughts very reassuring, even if the reality is frustrating. I’ve been cross-dressing and dating men since I was a teenager and one thing I learned is that even the most macho, apparently straight men — even men married to beautiful, loving wives — find themselves in a place where they want girls like us instead. They are tortured by their own desires. They don’t know why, they can’t explain it, they try to run away from it but… they need us like the air they breathe. So why should we be any different? We get confused by our desires, we can be genuinely puzzled. Like every morning I look at my male clothes hanging there, ready for work, and I keep thinking: Are these really my clothes? Darn, I wish I could just throw on a dress and a little makeup, poof up my hair — it would feel so good! But with my career, it would never work. So I just wait til I get home and — poof! — back to being Carla. I think it was Robert De Niro or somebody like that who said “Life is acting.” So I guess we just have to act our various parts and (another quotation, John Lennon this time…): “Whatever gets you through the night / is all right.”

[carla1212]

Hi did you find somebody? I am in Baltimore but come to Philadelphia often. It takes some nerve to go out especially if you do not believe you pass. Good idea to have someone with you the first few times. Do you feel passable? If you are close to passing I could help you work on it… ?

[carla1212]

I was out early today waiting for my bf to meet me at Starbucks and a lesbian female came on to me. I declined but was really surprised that I got turned on by her attention and compliments. Sometimes my body really puzzles me… and I wonder what in the world is going on with my sexuality!

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