How Do You Know if You Are Trans?

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    TGF user Tiffany Sweetness contacted us and wanted us to add this topic to our discussion forum. Here is what she said about herself to get things started.

    I am a 26yo male. I have had the desire to crossdress as long as I could remember. Here are a bunch of kind of stream-of-consciousness memories that have been on my mind as of late: When I was growing up, I wanted to imitate the way my grandma and mom talked and sat. My first crush was Ariel the Little Mermaid, but I also kind of wanted to be her. Also, growing up when I played “Batman” with my brother, I always wanted to be Batgirl. When I was 7 and through most of elementary school, I would have dreams of the other girls in my class turning me into a girl. When I was in 6th grade I would day dream in class of somehow being transferred into my female teacher’s body. In 8th grade, at track practice, a young girl said I was “pretty” and it made me feel like I was on cloud 9.

    I went to an all-boys school in high school and I hated it. I never felt like I “fit the bill” and I desperately missed having female classmates. When I was 17, I dabbled with some of my moms makeup and clothing. A year ago, I started buying some female clothing and makeup and attempted to dress myself up. This past year, I have gone for my first 2 professional makeovers, and both times I felt absolutely incredible. I ended going out this last time after my makeover. First, I went to a crowded Wal-Mart to buy a clutch bag. Next, I went to a trans bar. The girls there were super friendly and were talking a lot about transitioning. I had never truly considered transitioning before. I had always known that I liked to crossdress and hoped to have it be a part of my life, but now transitioning is on my mind near constantly.

    Any thoughts on what this all means? Am I really a woman inside?


    Hello Tiffany, I really don’t know. There are some signs but they can also be other things. I’m old school in that I think you need to start with some really honest soul searching and some counseling to rule out any other potential causes. Counseling is also great to help you sort out your feeling and emotions. Transition is a one way ticket so you need to think very hard on what path you are putting yourself on. These are questions that you need to work through. Things have improved over the last 30-40 years but there is still a penalty that society extracts from us when we transition. That penalty is higher for some than others and partly depends upon where you live. I have a friend who was fired, evicted and asked to leave her church when she came out. Finding employment in some parts of the country is still very difficult. Transition will not make your life magically better. Actually, it will make it harder, but even in that condition, some of us actually find their peace. I was 25 when I started my research and seeking professional help. You have the internet available to you, which I didn’t at the time. There are some good resources on the web and some that are actually hazardous. So take it all with a gain of salt and do your own research. – Melissa


    Hi, I am struggling with a question. I know I’m transgender because it’s always been so important to me to be seen and accepted as female. People treat me the way I want to be treated when I look like a girl. I guess my appearance to a large extent dictates the way people both male and female interact with me, and I think when I look feminine, soft and sweet people are kinder, gentler. A man will open the door for me, offer assistance when I need it, smile at me, initiate a conversation for no reason. When I look male… nothing like this, and I’m expected to be rough, tough and very strong at all times. It’s not that I am weak, I can take care of myself, but it’s just such a good feeling to know others care and want to treat me so kindly. But why is it so important for me to look pretty? What happens when I get old and don’t look so good anymore? I guess all women struggle with this… fear of losing one’s beauty and being treated as an ordinary mortal…


    I’ve read that when we first see someone, even before we recognize them as friend or foe, the brain decides if we are seeing a man or a woman. We are raised with one set of rules of interaction for dealing with men and another for women. These are cultural rules for the most part but reproduction can also be a part of it.

    Each of these “rules” comes with it’s own set of positives and negatives. As trans we are more aware of these rules than others might be.

    As for getting older, we all get older and we go through phases. I’m in my grandma stage and I enjoy being here. I enjoyed my last 30 years. There have been ups and downs but I’m still here and I’m thankful for that. Plus I have a wonderful daughter I’ve raised from 6 months old and she in now legally my daughter and I her mother according to her birth certificate. Something I never thought would happen for me.

    When you know yourself, you will know where you belong. Don’t over think. Just listen to yourself.


    Thanks MelissaD,
    As always your perspective is reassuring and wise! You nailed it… I tend to overthink things like this. I guess it hit me yesterday morning, I was out and about on a Sunday morning in an ‘old town’ area near me, antique-hunting, getting brunch and coffee all alone, and people (men and women both) were just so sweet to me everywhere I went. Then suddenly I was gripped with the thought: “They wouldn’t be this nice if I didn’t look like this!” But now I think part of the problem is that I myself act, move and speak differently in my male and female modes. It’s a necessary consequence of my fairly macho career where it would just be too bizarre if I acted like my real, feminine self wearing my military uniform and other masculine accoutrements…


    I have a problem, so if there’s someone kind enough to share his/her opinion or advice, I would like to read it. So, I have an urge to wear women’s clothes when I’m turned on. I own collection of sexy lingerie that makes me feel comfortable and ready to do anything when I wear it. But, right after the orgasm, I loose all my desire and I’m starting to feel like just another guy. I’d be happy if I would feel something in consistency, be it being a woman or a guy. Is there a way to loose either an urge to present yourself as a woman or a feel of being a guy right after the orgasm. This middle ground is probably unhealthy.


    first let me say you are doing the right thing to reach out and talk to people about this. it sounds like this is pretty confusing for you, and yet the feelings are very real. i’m hardly an expert but i have been told these urges have a lot to do with changing hormone levels. personally if i were experiencing that i would speak to a doctor about it, there may be some medical treatment that could help you find the balance you are looking for. i assume from what you said that your more feminine desires do build back up again after this post-orgasmic return of ‘maleness,’ so you soon come back to your partner wanting to be treated like a woman again? if so, i think it’s also important to remember there’s a psycho-physiological dimension to the transgender zone: if you feel uneasy with your feminine desires your mind may be taking advantage of temporary post-coital satisfaction to say ‘Okay, now that I did that I’m just a guy again and I don’t need it anymore.’ There is a lot of guilt and denial to be dealt with in our trans existence. But maybe it could help to just relax and allow yourself to think how nice it would be to have your lover hold you, pet you, kiss you, whisper to you, etc. after sex. Even a guy would like that, yes? Tell yourself this is an intimate moment, just you and your lover — nobody else needs to know. And see if this helps!


    A Pheonix Rising

    Greetings and salutations everyone.

    I am a 40 year old gay man and I am not sure if I qualify as transgender.

    I will soon be taking estrogen and other feminization hormones and have begun using a breastpump…but it is not for the purpose of becoming a woman.

    No desire to be a woman but also no desire to remain merely a man.
    I seek a balence between male and female…both in one body.

    I’m tired of not recognizing the person I see in the mirror…I need my reflection to show who I am inside…who I’ve always been.

    I do not know if I am making any sense…it is still strange to me…talking about this to anyone.

    Any information as to what I am and how to proceed that you can give me would be greatly appreciated

    Please and thank you.


    Hello River,

    Talking to a counselor that specializes in LGBT issues would help you sort out your mind. By what you have written, you sound like you might be nonbinary. But a counselor can help you sort that all out. It’s for YOU to decide. It’s not for any of us to say. Sometimes low doses of hormones help balance emotions but ALWAYS under a doctors care. Cross sex hormones are very strong medications and should not be taken lightly. They effect mental and physical wellness and carry life long consequences. As a community, it’s our responsibility to point out the good and bad; then allow you to come to your own decision.

    Also there are consequences for every action we take. In other words there is a price for everything. My price was employment discrimination, housing discrimination and idiot health care providers. It also majorly stressed my relationship with my family, I’ve had 30 years to move past those points as a TS that was able to blend into society. As a nonbinary you my not. Only you can answer for yourself if it’s the right call. Mine was for me. October 8th the Supreme Court hears LGBT issues vs Title VII to determine if Title VII actually does include us. If this case goes against us it will be a MAJOR, like 20 year, step backwards.

    So ask yourself, what are you willing to trade to “live as yourself”?


    I was out early today waiting for my bf to meet me at Starbucks and a lesbian female came on to me. I declined but was really surprised that I got turned on by her attention and compliments. Sometimes my body really puzzles me… and I wonder what in the world is going on with my sexuality!


    This is my very first post here and a big step for me.
    Honestly I’ve never told anyone what I’m about to share here.
    But I’m very confused and for the first time in my life I want to confess what I’ve kept a secret my whole life.
    And I would dearly appreciate any thoughts you all might have to share. And I seek the wisdom from this beautiful community.
    So for most of my adult life I would secretly dress in female clothes at home in private mostly to satisfy myself sexually.
    I got married in as a young man and my marriage lasted 20 years with children.
    I’m thin and could easily fit into my wife’s size 6 panties and other sexy attire, but only when I was alone in my privacy. I did things like this since I was in my late teens. I would masturbate and then be ok.
    This fetish It Didn’t affect my sex life with my now ex wife, but always in the back of my mind I would fantasize about what it would feel like to be a woman and feel a man filled with passion take me, enter me. lust for me. Just a fetish I always thought.
    I started experimenting with anal sex toys on myself when I was just a teen and kept it a secret from my wife of 20 some years. But when she was not around I would play using toys and such on myself.
    My wife wanted nothing to do with anything other than normal sex.
    Now After our divorce I was free to experiment with my growing sexual fantasies.
    I started shopping at thrift stores for women’s jeans and sexy blouses.
    I found that I could easily fit into a size 6 to 8 long jeans, and loved how I looked in tight form fitting jeans and panties underneath. I also grew to love shaving my private area and having that soft feeling down there.
    Fast forward to today and I’m retire and my fetish is now very prevalent for me.
    And I’ve now just recently started shaving my legs at least down to my knees and I am amazed at how sexy my legs are and how soft they feel. But I stop and shaving below my knees as for some reason I am in shorts in public I won’t be found out. I’m to afraid of that at this point in time.
    But in my retirement I can now spend hours with myself dressed in tight cutoff jeans and blouse and admiring how sexy I look and feel viewing myself in the mirror.
    I’m daily dreaming of what it would feel like to be a feminine man, a transgendered person, Yet I don’t yet see myself taking Hormones yet, but want to feel feminine if only to a future partner.
    I’ve been in and out of many heterosexual relationships with other women for many years now. But never really committed long term to any woman I’ve met. And I’m now wanting to experiment with my feelings and try to find a transgendered or feminine male partner to get to know and hopefully have a relationship with. I do feel I am more interested in being passive or bottom I guess is the word. I want to be the receiver of someones desire. But I also want the friendship and gentleness with that person, and not just one night stands.
    I don’t know of anywhere to find such a person except at a local gay bar. I wish there was another place to find someone I could get to know. I know there are dating sites that cater to the LGBT community, but I am not quite yet willing to openly seek a gay or Trans partner. It’s a small town and I have family , Kids and Grandchildren. I would never want to know my interest in discovering the real me and finding out if I am truly transsexual or bisexual, that would be unthinkable and devastating.. That said if I finally knew for sure I would want to eventually come out with who I am. But now is not the time for that.
    That all said I want to find out who I truly am and find someone that will be my friend and possible partner that understands me and I’ll live out the short remainder of my life.
    I hope this all makes sense.. I truly am sincere here and need some support.

    Any thoughts or opinions much appreciated.


    First Paula let me say welcome. Second I commend you for being honest with yourself. The trans umbrella is pretty wide these days and encompasses many different sub-groups. The question is where under that umbrella, you feel comfortable.

    The most important piece of advice I can give anyone is to be honest with yourself and live your own life.

    Many in the community will give you advise and encourage you along various paths because that worked for them or that’s what others told them. It’s your life, It’s your family. You have to find the balance point in there. Just because others have made certain choices doesn’t mean they are right for you. Some find counseling helps. I like to find someone who helps me challenge my beliefs to clear up any uncertainty in my mind. A councilor shouldn’t lead you down a path, but help you find your path.

    There are events that you might find helpful with workshops on makeup, clothes, hormones, etc… these can be fun and educational. But come home and think about what you have seen and heard before you take action.

    Good luck


    Hi all

    If you are not sure hormones and blockers can help you decide.

    I was never sure if it was a sexual fetish that made me do all that I could to feminise at the age of 60. Still no certain after my gcs surgery, but having fun and the best sex ever. Dilation is a chore and I have spent over £70,000 on my dreams,

    Take care and be careful along the way to womanhood.

    Love Chloe x


    Hi All.

    I’m Lydia. From the earliest I remember as a child people always thought I was a little girl. At the time it would bother me that I wasn’t. I couldn’t work out of I was bothered that I wanted to be a girl but was a boy or if I was a boy bothered about looking like a girl. So there started the confusion.

    At 13 I started Crossdressing. Until a school friend found a stuffed bra in my drawers and I was so humiliated I didn’t start again until I was 22-23.

    Oh how I wish I transitioned then. I would have been so passable. I started meeting guys secretly. Not regularly but every few months I would build up the courage. But over the years I’ve started to wonder if I’m a secret trans who’s too cowardly to come out or if it’s just a sex fantasy part of a sex addiction problem.

    I’m 37 now. Live with a girlfriend who doesn’t know and I know for a fact she would not be into it or understanding.

    And now I dress more regularly when she’s gone and meet guys more often and the guilt and shame in doing so is getting less and less.

    But I still wonder if I really am a woman or is this just a fantasy I like to play out? I feel like I’m going a bit mad.


    Hi Lydia

    A familiar story.

    Who knows really, sex addiction certainly played a part in my transition. On hormones you lose that urge, but I was changed from aversion to guys (other than the fantasy of penetration), to wanting to be with a man as a partner. Never dreamed that that would happen!

    Take care.

    Love Chloe x

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