carla1212

[carla1212]

Well done Annette McD, it takes a lot of guts to take these steps. If you think about it it’s not just admitting who we really ‘are’ but also recognizing how we want to relate to others because you’ll find people will interact with you very differently now that you have unleashed this feminine energy. And that includes a new way of loving and being loved, so more than anything I wish that you’ll find love and happiness with someone who genuinely appreciates you!

[carla1212]

hi,
first let me say you are doing the right thing to reach out and talk to people about this. it sounds like this is pretty confusing for you, and yet the feelings are very real. i’m hardly an expert but i have been told these urges have a lot to do with changing hormone levels. personally if i were experiencing that i would speak to a doctor about it, there may be some medical treatment that could help you find the balance you are looking for. i assume from what you said that your more feminine desires do build back up again after this post-orgasmic return of ‘maleness,’ so you soon come back to your partner wanting to be treated like a woman again? if so, i think it’s also important to remember there’s a psycho-physiological dimension to the transgender zone: if you feel uneasy with your feminine desires your mind may be taking advantage of temporary post-coital satisfaction to say ‘Okay, now that I did that I’m just a guy again and I don’t need it anymore.’ There is a lot of guilt and denial to be dealt with in our trans existence. But maybe it could help to just relax and allow yourself to think how nice it would be to have your lover hold you, pet you, kiss you, whisper to you, etc. after sex. Even a guy would like that, yes? Tell yourself this is an intimate moment, just you and your lover — nobody else needs to know. And see if this helps!

[carla1212]

Thanks MelissaD,
As always your perspective is reassuring and wise! You nailed it… I tend to overthink things like this. I guess it hit me yesterday morning, I was out and about on a Sunday morning in an ‘old town’ area near me, antique-hunting, getting brunch and coffee all alone, and people (men and women both) were just so sweet to me everywhere I went. Then suddenly I was gripped with the thought: “They wouldn’t be this nice if I didn’t look like this!” But now I think part of the problem is that I myself act, move and speak differently in my male and female modes. It’s a necessary consequence of my fairly macho career where it would just be too bizarre if I acted like my real, feminine self wearing my military uniform and other masculine accoutrements…
Carla

[carla1212]

Hi, I am struggling with a question. I know I’m transgender because it’s always been so important to me to be seen and accepted as female. People treat me the way I want to be treated when I look like a girl. I guess my appearance to a large extent dictates the way people both male and female interact with me, and I think when I look feminine, soft and sweet people are kinder, gentler. A man will open the door for me, offer assistance when I need it, smile at me, initiate a conversation for no reason. When I look male… nothing like this, and I’m expected to be rough, tough and very strong at all times. It’s not that I am weak, I can take care of myself, but it’s just such a good feeling to know others care and want to treat me so kindly. But why is it so important for me to look pretty? What happens when I get old and don’t look so good anymore? I guess all women struggle with this… fear of losing one’s beauty and being treated as an ordinary mortal…
Carla

[carla1212]

Hi,
I have been getting my eyebrows threaded forever, twice a month, at $9.00 a pop. Vanity, thy name is Carla! Well, the ladies at the spa seem to enjoy working on me and they are always fussing and brainstorming about the best way to give me the most feminine eyebrow shape. Afterwards I sometimes also use an electric razor with a guard to keep the hairs from getting too long – but with caution, to make sure the length is 100% consistent! A little eyebrow pencil and voila`! Very nice eyebrows. Anyway I recommend this method because you they can control the shape so well, it’s not terribly painful once you get used to it. If you’e like me, living as female but working as male, you can even find an androgynous/ambiguous medium that looks normal n matter how you’re presenting. And you’ll help some lovely spa lady put her kids through college, too!
;^) Carla

[carla1212]

hi,
yah i fnd my nails start to hurt if i leave my stick-on nails on more than maybe 16 hours. i got the idea of using them from a friend, who’s a cisgender female dentist – she can’t have nails at work but uses them when she goes out with her husband. now (call me obsessive) i stockpile dozens of them to match every outfit!

[carla1212]

Thank you so much Melissa D. – as always your perspective is very reassuring and comforting! I am not super-sensitive but this person actually hurt my feelings and I found myself crying about it, Anyway yes, exactly, we still have that Y chromosome so… yah, I do not aspire to be a woman, I aspire to be myself. For me it’s not just about looking feminine or fooling anyone with my appearance, it’s about being feminine which to me means being kind, giving, treating others sweetly and gently. Which tells me that some people can take all the hormones they want, and have surgery on every last part of their body, but they’ll never be genuinely feminine.

[carla1212]

I had a disturbing conversation yesterday with a trans woman who is on hormones and planning the whole transition – the big surgery. She was telling me how I am not a real woman because I have never done hormones or surgeries, just laser on my facial hair. It really hurt my feelings – she actually though I was female and told me I was deceptive when I came out to her. She said I was lying yo mys I was thinking we don’t really become female anyway, we are trans and that’s cool anyway, right? Do you agree?

[carla1212]

Oh sweetie please be careful! Being trans is dangerous business no matter where you live, but sounds like you are at great risk of harm. What country are you in?

[carla1212]

Thanks Melissa D! Your perspective is always so enlightening and reassuringly grounded in experience!!!

[carla1212]

hi, really interesting/helpful stories – thank you for sharing! oooooh, i never thought about using hormones before, mainly because i am terrified of doing something awful to my body or messing up my personal relationships. so i’ve always been male about 50% of the time and presenting as female the rest of the time — evenings, weekends, traveling etc. But lately, a friend of mind who’s just about fully transitioned has been telling me it’s a lot more subtle and a lot less disruptive than i imagine, health-wise, and takes place slowly enough that people around you have a chance to adjust. so now the only thing worrying me is that i understand there’s a profound emotional change that takes place. i have a job where emotional self-control is essential and people could end up getting injured or killed if i can’t stay calm and collected. can anybody tell me more about these emotional changes and how they affect your rational thinking ability?
thank you!
carla

[carla1212]

Hi Katie,
I’m just a crossdresser but I’ve experienced the sort of thing you’re talking about, which mainly happens on days when I do not really believe I look pretty — maybe I’m tired, unwell, etc. but it’s when I’m generally not feeling confident. If you’re on hormones this probably isn’t a big problem for you, but I find what really helps me is being sure that my body is warmed up and relaxed before go out: My male body is tighter and more rigid than a woman’s would be. I find that a hot bath or shower, followed by some stretching and some work with a foam roller really loosens me up and helps my overall mindset when I’m heading out. They teach actors to warm up like this so their body will move fluidly to express their emotions, and in my case it helps me express my inner femininity without all the interference that comes from the anxiety we tend to store in our muscles. But in the end it’s all about taking charge of how you interact with other people, not being afraid of them and inviting them to like you. That’s why I am also a big believer in smiling. Last night I was out getting a coffee and I felt this guy’s eyes kept focusing on me. Instead of just letting my imagination close in on me, I looked at him with a big smile and sparkly eyes, let my head lilt to the side, played with my hair and told him I liked his hat. Next thing you know he’s sitting with me and we’re chatting like old friends. The smile says: I’m sweet, I’m nice, I’m loving, I’m not a crazy person, I like you, and you should like me too – I’m a pretty girl, dammit! Same with perfume – choose carefully, but the right scent tells people (especially men) that you are a nice, sweet person who wants to invite affection. It’s worth the effort to study perfumes, scented moisturizing lotions etc. really carefully and figure out what message they send, so you can choose the right ones for every situation. Other than that – I hardly recommend this because I suppose it’s not healthy and all that – but I always find I’m most relaxed if I’m a little buzzed. I am an occasional smoker and I find that I’m way more relaxed, less inside myself, and maybe project a little more vulnerability when I’ve just had a cigarette and feeling that mildly dizzy feeling. (Okay it’s a drug and whatever, and people who are on hormones should n-e-v-e-r smoke, but I’m not on hormones and I like it!) Not to mention standing around outside looking like a hopeless nicotine addict creates all kinds of pretexts for people to come talk to me, mainly cisgender girls who feel less guilty about smoking if they are not doing it alone. I flash my smile at them, we like each other, we’re bonded, and we’re asking each other were we got our shoes. Also, I can smoke during the daytime and still function efficiently. Alcohol is very effective but it doesn’t work too well in the middle of a workday. When I’m out with my girls I never drink much, but I’ve also noticed that even after just one drink all my defenses go down, I laugh and smile more easily and I can move and dance in a more fluid, feminine way. But yah, moderation in all things and… don’t drink and drive!

[carla1212]

Thanks MelissaD, I am so happy! I have put it off for too many years, afraid my male face would look too feminine. People at work noticed, but they’ll get used to it and in today’s world, nobody can say anything about it. Yay!

[carla1212]

Hi,
I am having what’s left of my facial hair removed and am experiencing a freedom I have not felt since I was a smooth-faced teenager. There is such joy in just being able to put on a little lipstick, a little mascara and maybe a stroke or two of eye shadow and then head out the door. With my real skin showing, no foundation, no worrying that it looks unnatural, no worrying what’ll happen if a guy tries to kiss my cheek. BTW regarding nails, I work in male mode, going back and forth between gender identities all the time, and have found stick-on, removable nails to be extremely helpful. Also: I had a t-girlfriend who left her toenail polish on for days at a time and ended up with a deep fungal infection and horribly thickened nails. Her podiatrist told her you should remove polish every day or two and let the toenails breathe for at least a day in between.
Be beautiful xxxo
CC

[carla1212]

Hello,
I agree with MelissaD. Unless surgery makes you instantly passable and drop-dead gorgeous, it won’t change the way people relate to you. And even if so, it might just lead to superficial attraction, not necessarily to being genuinely loved. I find I’m happiest when I focus on being this very feminine, sweet, caring person who comes out when I’m dressed and interacting with other people – that’s the real me, and I find that if someone gets attracted it’s because they see I am lovable and capable of loving back. Both men and women will like that about you.

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