What I Did During My Winter Break

Usually I go skiing this time of year. It’s my favorite sport and I even dream about skiing. But this year I decided to try breast augmentation and facial feminization surgery instead. Just a little something to spice up my love life. So I just finished up about 8 hours of writing an exhaustive account of the whole ordeal. Every boring little detail. Long, story short, I have decided to save it for my personal memoir, which is due out in paperback about five years from now. I will give you the executive summary instead.

Let’s review, shall we? Did everything go according to plan? Yes! Do I feel absolutely thrilled to accomplish my first round of gender confirmation surgery? Yes! After six days of sipping drinks through a straw, slurping soup and popping pain killers with a packed nose, I emerged with my own personal set of perky boobs and a whole new look. Did my friends all come through for me? Yes, my close friends have all been super supportive and I will be forever grateful to them for their love and kind deeds: the flowers, the homemade soups and lasagna, the frozen meals, the desserts, the grocery store runs and the messages. Did I mention the flowers? Bouquet #1 is pink and magenta with some salmon highlights and bouquet is red, white and beautiful. It’s the little things. You can’t put a price tag on them. My friends came through for me in a big way, because my daughters are away at college and my siblings are still adjusting to the new me. It was a team effort.

What’s next? Well, I am glad you asked. The next phase is vaginoplasty (aka bottom surgery), which of course is a whole different animal. Do I even need it? Definitely, maybe/ maybe not. Some of my friends have had it and some of my friends have not had it. Both camps lead vibrant lives with varying degrees of success in the bedroom and the dating scene. My empirical data set is inconclusive. Do I need a bigger data set? Is my sampling method, which was patterned after the Barbara Walters up close and personal interview valid? I have written and defended two Master’s theses, you think I would be able to make up my mind. Not as easy as it looks. I sowed the seeds for my maximum impact BA/FFS surgical spree back in late June. My approach was predicated on being able to sell my feminine persona to the business community. This meant that FFS was my top priority with breast augmentation, the far more fun procedure, thrown in as an add on… Meanwhile, some of my close friends have chosen a completely different route to gender confirmation choosing bottom surgery as their top priority. The bottom-line is that it’s a highly personal decision.

The perplexing reality is that having a vaginoplasty is not necessarily my one-way ticket to paradise. I used to live in Hawaii for 18 months. Seems like dream to me now. I had Hawaii license plates on my Mustang, a Hawaii driver’s license, and an Aloha Bank account. I lived in Kaneohe and Kailua on the north side of Oahu, and I wore Hawaiian shirts to work. Expensive ones with the right reverse prints. I thought it would be romantic paradise. Certainly, the surfing was a blast and I had the best mai tais ever, but it was not an easy place to make friends, let alone date.

Now don’t get me wrong, the travel brochures for vaginoplasty look great. Hours and hours of fun for the whole family. But, is vaginoplasty right for me? Before I started to take testosterone blockers I had a one track mind, but now sex doesn’t seem nearly as important as intimacy. I have started to worry about cleaning my house before friends come over and planning out little details for girl’s night outs. To this point, I have been laser focused on transitioning successfully at work. Truth is I really haven’t had an official date since I started my transition two years ago. Lots of girls night outs that resembled dates, but no snuggling, holding hands or good night kisses.

Earlier in my transition, I figured that vaginoplasty was a given for me. But, the surgery is no picnic, and I won’t be skiing or biking for six month afterwards. I could take a couple of trips to Paris instead. Simply put, the jury is out, and I always overthink everything. To make up my mind, I need to answer a question. And that question is the most personal and intimate of all questions: Who do I want to be with?. In the words of Joe Jackson, “you can’t get what you want, ‘til you know what you want. So I my current plan is to decide not to decide and actually have a few dates, and at the rate I am going it’s going to take awhile.

Or perhaps, I should rephrase my critical question: What’s my ultimate fairy tale fantasy? And as I see it, there are three basic plot lines to this fantasy. I’ll call them Fantasy A, Fantasy B, and Fantasy C.

Fantasy A – The Hallmark

The traditional Hallmark Channel romance with me in the role of the woman. I like watching football and other sports and I am still into lots of guy activities. I will be the perfect wife for an All American kinda guy. Tall, dark and handsome.

Prior experience: A few walk on-parts

The travel brochure: Do, you love being submissive? Yes! Next question please. Would you really enjoy having vaginal sex? Oh God yes. Then, vaginoplasty is perfect for you, consult your local GCS surgeon for details. Note – May or may not be covered by insurance. Daily dilation with a stent is required. Your depth may be limited and we can’t guarantee you will ever be able to achieve organism, but your bikini bottoms will fit better, or your money back.

The Reality: Guess what? A lot of guys who are into transgender women, like them to have penises. It’s a novelty factor. This throws a monkey wrench into everything.

The Harsher Reality: The competition is rough. I am up against younger cis women with elastic vaginas.

The Surprise Who Wore it Best?: An MtF transgender couple who have an open marriage.

Crazy Plot Twist: My best cisgender girlfriend and I wind up vying for the love and attention of the same guy from our bike club.

Fantasy B – Lipstick Lesbians

Oh, my goodness, is there anything as comforting or sexy as the sound of a women’s voice? The feel of her soft skin, sensuous touch, silky hair and lovely curves.

Prior Experience: Extensive, 22 years of marriage. Of course I have added some new features to my anatomy. I’m now a silicone sistah.

The Reality: I am submissive, that’s a big part of what got me into this situation in the first place. How many women like to top other women? Would I be comfortable trying to sensually attract another woman, of being an object of her desire? Sure, why not? But, do these sort of women really exist? Do I know any women who might even fuel this fantasy? Yes, but they are very elusive. Of course, I am pretty elusive myself.

Who wore it best?: Tough call, I have three married friends, who have transitioned inside of marriages, two traditional and one semi-open. They seem very happy and content.

Potential crazy plot twists: I find myself in a three way love triangle as my best friend and I vie for the love and attention of an intelligent and mysterious woman. How mysterious? We can’t even tell if she is into guys or girls or both. Stay tuned.

Fantasy C — Me with Another Trans-Woman

What can I say? I like tall athletic women and I currently have several big crushes. This fantasy is currently undergoing intensive field research and candidate interviews are underway. Activity-based relationships work well for me. I am really into skiing and biking and there are a plethora of trans women who share my devotion to sports and passion of fashion.

Prior Experience: I am going to plead the fifth here. I never kiss and tell.

The Reality: Looks good on paper but does it really work in the bedroom? They say opposites attract. A trans woman might be super supportive, and be a wonderful friend, but would she fuel my imagination?

Who wore it best?: I’m not quite sure. Well, this is an odd result. Is this simply my own personal rock and roll fantasy? Is this because we transgender women are vastly outnumbered by cis-gendered males and females? I thought I would know the answer to this question. I know a few transgender couples and it always warms my heart to see them together. Some of these romances have crumbled, while others have been rekindled.

Potential crazy plot twist: I wind up dating someone who had read this article. Am I playing with fire here?

Where do I go from here?

I had surgery three weeks ago and I am still feeling quite surgical. Kind of feels like my head got shrink-wrapped and my boobs are up high on my chest. My recovery is going well and I am very pleased with the results but, I am not even going to even think about dating until I am fully recovered and that’s going to take five or six months. Meanwhile, I am going to focus on my job and refining my wigglin’ walk and gigglin’ talk. What’s the rush? I just went full time in November. I’m thinking about joining a bike club exploring a variety of nightspots in Philadelphia, and looking for ways to give back to the LGBT community. See you at Keystone.

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Tags: featured, Identity, Plastic Surgery, Transgender, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul