No Great Expectations

To tell you a little about myself; I was born a girl, unfortunately my body was born a boy. After the doctor unknowingly misgendered me I spent most of my life trying, (and failing) to live up to what society expects of a man.   

As far as transgender people are concerned, I came into my awareness of who I was  late in life. I was twelve years old when I realized that something about me was wrong. I didn’t fit in with the boys. I didn’t understand the way they thought; how they put their ideas together, and definitely didn’t understand this weird fascination with their penis.

School was very difficult for me as I didn’t want to play with the boys and the girls didn’t want me hanging around them all the time, because in their eyes I was a boy. To be honest, I hated school. As I got older, about the age of 15, I would stay home from school just so I could wear my mother’s clothes.

My mother was a single mom during my teenage years. She always did the best she knew how. However, because she was doing the things needed for us to live; I spent a lot of time alone. My mother was the only person who ever had an idea about who I secretly wanted to be. She offered to get me “help” because she knew I was wearing her clothes. I had no clue as to how to express what I felt inside. I didn’t even know that I was a transgender person. I faintly knew about them but for some reason it never occurred to me that I might be one. I played off the offer for help quietly, and nothing else about it was ever said.

Being raised Southern Baptist the only name I could relate to myself was “pervert”. After all, what else would you call a boy who could not stop wearing girl clothes? As I got older a pattern of binging and purging began to develop. I would build a collection of girl stuff, and then in a fit of guilt I would throw them all away. No matter how much I prayed about it, or how determined I was not to wear girl clothes, I couldn’t stop.

I saw my first porn movie at the age of thirteen. It was from the collection of my best friend’s dad. It was a super eight film that we projected on the wall. The first movie I ever saw was a lesbian film. Something inside my brain went off and I made a strange connection with the girls on the wall. After that I only wanted girl/girl magazines and when I could watch movies, I didn’t want any men getting in my way of my pleasure. It was the whole penis thing; It turned me off so much that I couldn’t even stand to look at it. As I saw it, if I didn’t want mine; why would I want to see someone else’s? The conflict inside me grew. Now not only was I wearing girl clothes, I secretly wanted to be a girl and experience being a lesbian. Crazy right? First off I was a Southern Baptist, and second, I was a boy. Even if I had been born a girl, being a lesbian would send me to hell in a hand basket for sure.

At nineteen I grew a mustache. It was a mask to help me to see myself as a man. I didn’t know that’s what I was doing, I just wanted to look like a man. It worked as a temporary solution, but the dressing up was never completely gone. After all, when I wasn’t looking in the mirror I could only see the bottom half of myself anyway.

So I started my adult life with no real direction, no ambition, and with no great expectations for my future. I dated girls as a man, but there was always something not quite right with the relationship. You would think that it wouldn’t be an issue. After all, I had a girl, which is what I wanted. But the truth was still buried deep inside me. I didn’t want a relationship with me posing as a man. I wanted to be the woman I felt I was.

Then after two failed marriages, with four boys between the two, an unsuccessful home repair business and some very, very bad decisions, I came to the bottom of my life. I was fat, lazy, and porn addicted. When my second wife left me, I lost everything. literally, leaving me with nothing. However, the great thing about losing everything in your life is that you have nothing to lose.

I knew something in my life had to change. I sought out a therapist. I couldn’t keep living the way I was going. Suicide was never a real thought, not serious anyway. It’s just that I was too miserable to get through the day. At first I only wanted to talk about what I was feeling. Maybe get to the point of living like a girl at home, but never in my wildest fantasies did I ever think that Chrissy would be my life. After a lot of talking things out with my therapist, and a lot of rethinking of those stringent church doctrines, I decided to do it; I would start the journey to be the woman I was inside. I had no way of knowing that decision would put me on the road to the truly best thing to ever happen in my life. I met my Anna.

I had so many bad relationships by this point that I could not trust anyone. I will admit that I love beautiful women. However, because of my past experience with beautiful girls, I wouldn’t trust them. I had no problem getting girls. Sure I would be happy to look at their pictures, and even send them some of mine. However, it didn’t take me long to figure out that as long as I was willing to send them money, they would love me forever. So when Anna said she would like to get to know me, my first thought was: “Another beautiful girl who just wanted me to send her money.” I made her attempts to have a meaningful relationship almost impossible. Still she stuck with me, always with the greatest love. Sure we had our fights. But no matter how big of a jerk I was to her, she just would not leave me.

Even though I’m a romance writer, honestly I didn’t believe in it. I had hoped for it, but didn’t think it would ever happen to me. My writing was only a way to make my daydreams a little more real to me. So when this beautiful woman kept breaking down all the barriers I had put up over the years, I finally consented that there was nothing left to do but love her. I still do not understand why she hung onto the way she did, but I thank God for her. Actually, she has even told me that she doesn’t  know why she continued to stay with me. Anna once told me that she typically gives up on a relationship pretty easy. However, she felt like there was something about me that made her want to stay. Now I can’t even begin to see my life without her. She truly is everything I could want in a woman. Anna doesn’t want me to go back to being a man. In fact she is against it. She loves the fact that I’m a writer and to this day is still my biggest fan. She never grows tired of my over romancing everything. She truly is my soulmate.

So why am I rubbing my good fortune in your face? You say that’s great, I’m glad you are happy. Yet your own life is falling short of the ideal. This is what I want you to see: until I was willing to let go of all the expectations that society had put on me, I would never be happy. Now my transition came at a great price. I lost most of my friends and family. Even five years later my only family that will talk to me is my own kids. I had to face the harshness of the people who said I would always be a man, no matter what I did. Then there was the ugly girl phase while I was trying to figure out how to be a woman. Still there was this desire inside me that would not go back into the closet. Chrissy was out in the open now and refused to go back. I know that if I would never have taken that first step and said to my therapist, “I want to be a girl” I would not have the life I have today. So was it worth it? Absolutely for me it was.

Don’t think that I am telling you to just come out as a girl and everything will be hunky dory. In fact I am very skeptical about telling anyone to transition. It is my belief that no one should transition unless you are just too miserable to go on. If you can be happy just dressing up at home, then that’s what you should do. If you can live with dysphoria, do that. However, if you get to that point in your life where there seem to be no other options, then get help. Transition is never easy. You too will pay a price for your decision. However, you don’t know what the future might bring. I can’t tell you how to live your life, but ask yourself how much is peace worth to you? For me I had no choice. Chrissy is not someone I am trying to be, that other person I was before is someone I was trying to be. I am not trying to tell you what to do. I am only giving you my perspective. You will never change your life by staying where you are. Just something to think about.

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Tags: featured, Transgender, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul