Meet Rachel Xaviera

Rachel Xaviera

I was asked by Angela, if I’d be interested in writing a few blogs about my “latex fetish,” my interest in the SMBD community or something about my music. I will get into all of those activities after I get some of my other thoughts out first, as to give some insight into who I am. So here’s my first contribution to TGF.

Changes, I had no idea!

Along with all the obvious changes one goes through with transitioning: breasts, hips, skin, hair, nails, clothes, etc. I have noticed a few things that have changed in me that only I am aware of.

My former self (Ray) could not stand Bruce Springstein. When I heard him on the radio, I couldn’t get to the dial fast enough to change the station. Then one day about a year into HRT, I was home preparing dinner, listening to some music on the radio and “The Boss” was on. My wife came home from work and asked me what I was doing, (Knowing my feelings about Bruce). I replied, “Making dinner.” Then she pointed out that I was listening to Bruce and actually dancing in place to the song. I didn’t even realize it. Hmmmm . . .

I also didn’t like listening to Genesis without Peter Gabriel and while driving one morning to catch the train to New York City I caught myself enjoying Phil and the boys while tapping away on the steering wheel.

“Ray” would never put ketchup on a breakfast sandwich or eggs. Now I reach for the lovely red condiment every time I make an egg. I used to always drink red wine, now I’m finding a liking for whites. Sometimes now, I am just sitting around letting my thoughts flow and I get all these emotions bubbling up from seemingly nowhere, not just during a romantic or sad movie, but just sitting around thinking about life or an old friend that has passed, or I don’t get to see a lot because we moved apart.

I always liked chocolate but now I crave it! I even make my morning coffee with chocolate more often, Mmmmm . . .

I find myself feeling embarrassed while driving my truck and pulling up in front of a Wawa or 7/11 for some coffee or a breakfast sandwich and I notice people looking at a girl getting out of the truck. I feel I should be in a cute little sports car not a big clunky F-150, LOL!

The other night at rehearsal with my band, I was laying down a vocal track to one of our songs and the guys in the band kept asking me why I was singing it differently. I thought they were messing with me. The tone of my voice seemed the same to me but I realized I was singing in a softer, more emotional or tender way, dare I say “feminine”? They picked up on it, when it just seemed to me to be the same as always. I had to redo the track a few times to get it the way I used to do it. This left me lying awake that night feeling I’m losing control or something. I came to the conclusion that I was feeling so comfortable after finally coming out that I wasn’t losing control as much as not trying to be like “Ray” — always in control — and just being in whatever natural state I was feeling at the time.

I was told I would change in many ways, but I never thought of these kinds of changes. I, like most of the girls I talk to, was more concerned with my obvious changes like, “boobs, hips, hair, skin” never really thinking about my mannerisms. I think about the pitch of my voice, but not the volume or delivery of it. This has made me take a more proactive part in observing myself from day to day. I can almost point to the day of these changes, to coming out to everyone I know on My B-day last February, 2012. After finally coming out as Rachel I stopped hiding myself to the world and stopped thinking about “passing” and just started being, living, going shopping and to dinner, like anyone else.

The more comfortable I feel in my new skin, the more these little things come out and seem natural. I have a few occasions where I just need to run out and get something at the store and I don’t want to go through the process of getting all dolled up — and I still get someone calling me ma’am or miss when I feel I in no way look feminine right then. Then I’ll go home and stare into the mirror to try and see the girl the sales person just saw, without my makeup and feminine clothes. I’m starting to realize that passing isn’t always about looking a certain way as much as it is just being confident, relaxed and comfortable out in the world. I observe that if I don’t think or worry about being “clocked” most people don’t even bat an eye.

I read a lot of posts from other girls asking questions about the obvious physical changes while on hormones, like, ” When are my boobs going to get bigger,” etc. I, for a while, was one of them. I realize now that there are subtle changes from the hormones going on all over my body, mind and spirit, that can’t be seen in the mirror and I was missing them because of my fixation on the image in that mirror. I thought I would still have all the likes and dislikes that were part of my basic nature and I was expecting some of these things. Transition is about integration of the whole self, not just the body parts. Being female is more than boobs, hips, and heels. I really am starting to feel like I’m someone else now. The “me,” that I am becoming, is a lot different than the “me” I thought I was going to be, probably because in the early stages I was still viewing all of this with my male conditioned mind and ogling my own boobs. All of this seems to be moving at a faster rate since I’ve come out, started hormones and relaxed into my transition.

But I’m not posting this to prompt anyone to come out. We all have to move at our own pace. I wouldn’t want to go back to the very minute before I said the words, “I am transgendered” to everyone. I thought I was going to die uttering those words. I felt really paralyzing terror right before they came vomiting out of me. So, another thing that has changed is my “empathy” for others feeling the fear of coming out. “Ray” would have thought, “Oh stop being such a pussy”! “Rachel” feels the pain and anguish of everyone stuck in that moment right before deciding to say the words to the world.

There is a lot of emotion that we all share in this community. Some days for me, it becomes a bit overwhelming, because the feelings I am having go beyond myself and out to everyone else, when I hear their stories. Maybe it’s my age, or the fact that I don’t have a relationship with my own kids, I feel I want to mother someone going through some rough times. I get so much joy out of giving them a simple hug, and re-assuring them they will be okay. Some girls come up to me and tell me how they think I’m so brave living out loud. I must say that even though I’m out, I’m still afraid at times, because every new emotion is something alien to me, that I have to push through and accept as part of me now. Yes, there are so many changes going on, I’m getting all misty just typing this . . . I had no idea.

I was just wondering how many people are experiencing similar things, during their journey.

With love and respect

Rachel Xaviera

Tags: closeted, featured, HRT, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual

Category: Transgender Body & Soul