Down the Rabbit Hole of Femininity
It’s been 4 years since I jumped in that hole. I finally took the plunge, let the cat out of the bag, uncorked the bottle, released the Kraken and jumped with both feet into this rabbit hole they call femininity. What a long strange trip it’s been.
I have reached a point of nirvana somewhere just North of The Point of No Return. I am not falling down this rabbit hole, I gently climb, maybe slipping on some wet, mossy roots here and there and taking a slight tumble. It smells of green, damp earth, new clothes, and a slight hint of mandarin orange body wash. I hear the faint sound of laughter and music emanating from somewhere down yonder. A glowing, yellow-lavender light gets brighter and brighter the closer I get to the source. It beckons me forward, making me excited with wonder and curiosity. It’s a friendly feeling.
I wonder what I will find at the end of the twisting hole. Along the way there are so many discoveries, people who call me by my chosen name, a piece of mail that is addressed to Ms. Amanda, a child who asked her mother what that lady is doing as she points to me, my room where I live, painted lavender and decorated to capture the lost female decades. Each discovery and validation draws me ever further into the rabbit hole. With every twist and turn, a new discovery beyond anything I could have imagined.
As I look at myself, my skin glows more and more each day. Softer and softer, it gets. After 4 years of magical hormones, it stuns even me how transformed I have become and I can’t help but wonder how much further transformed I will be. The further I go down the hole, the more I change and the closer the light and music get. I want to see the rabbit. Does his wonderful, cavernous, carnival-like den lie at the end of the tunnel? Does he or she glow with a vibrant, incandescence that can be felt before it can be seen? I must press onward to find out.
I am very deep into the tunnel now. So far that the entrance light is long past faded. What I pass on my journey, turns into memories, frozen into the past. They turn into posts on Facebook, trips to Mom’s, courageous cross-country trips, broken hearts, friends who have come and gone, and many, many firsts that have turned into seconds, thirds, and fourths. The raw excitement of finally gaining the courage to jump into the hole has turned into a warm, enveloping feeling and a desire to push forward. The thrill of that first trip to Old Navy after finally knowing that I was trans has morphed into the comfort of being able to move through this world as an attractive female who is confident and strong.
It’s hard to tell how much farther I need to go. The beckoning music echoes through the damp, mossy tunnel with friendly, but eerie reverberations. But, it keeps getting clearer and sharper. The melody gets more defined and the notes become more apparent. I hear voices of happy people too. They have successfully navigated the long tunnel and have reached what lies beyond. I can hear them being joyous and elated. They know I am on my way but yet they don’t interfere. They are waiting for me. They want me to join in the celebration. They are enjoying just being themselves. I have learned to be myself as well along my journey, but still, I hear the joyous people up ahead and I yearn to be with them and see what wonders they are experiencing.
Sometimes I get too ahead of myself. I take a bad step and trip on a gnarled root. I lose track of putting one foot in front of the other and instead, try to float toward the celebration. I have to remain grounded and see that my feet are on sure footing and my hands are holding on for support. I can’t get too ahead of myself. I know I will get there and I have to remember to enjoy this long, strange trip down The Rabbit Hole of Femininity. It can be a tricky trek on these sometimes slippery slopes.
I definitely danced around the rabbit hole for years. I was afraid to jump in. What if, what if, what if? The decision finally became easier 4 years ago when I was released from the dungeon that was marriage and was free to roam the countryside, wild and free. I finally came upon the hole and didn’t hesitate to jump right in. Wheeeeeeeeeeee!!! Into the unknown darkness I went, searching for the true me. I found the true me along the way. It didn’t take very long. I rushed down the tunnel in the beginning, trying to hastily make my way toward the celebration I heard was down there. I couldn’t hear it or see it yet, but I clamored for it. After a few falls and a few bumps and bruises, I learned to take it easy and just live the experience.
I feel I am close to the end of the hole. The music, light and laughter are so strong. A few more twists and turns and I am there. It’s the final challenge. The hole gets very difficult near the end. But, when you make it past that final arduous challenge, you are rewarded and welcomed into the open arms of the sisters that have completed the journey. Nothing good comes easy and this rabbit hole is no exception.
Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion