Christmas Wrapping

So deck those halls and trim those trees

Raise up cups of Christmas cheer

I just need to catch my breath

Christmas by myself this year

Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses released in 1981 is by far my favorite Christmas song, and when it comes up on the radio it often brings me to tears. I’ve always identified with the female who raps about her plans to spend Christmas at home alone and then she meets the guy she’s been chasing all year by chance at the grocery store. I like happy endings.

I am in the commercial insurance business and we have a boatload of accounts with January 1^st effective dates, so the holiday season is always crazy busy for me. But, am I going to miss any of the holiday parties and dinners, glog toasts, Christmas caroling and Lonely Hearts Club Christmas Eve Dinner? Of course not!

This year we’re gonna sprinkle in a doctor’s appointment, a dentist appointment, a consultation with my financial planner. Plus, I can’t stop my regular workouts, can I? Nope, not allowed! And I’ll want to fill out holiday cards, write my next column, keep in touch with all my Facebook friends, recruit skiers for a ski trip (interested? Inquire within. Remember diamonds are girl’s best friend), order new calendars and rough out a budget for 2020, declutter my townhouse and decorate for the holidays. And I gotta eat. What did I forget? Presents. . . oh yeah. . . I always wait until the pressure’s on to shop for those.

Not to worry, I will muddle through. And I already have my flu shot, so I have that going for me. So anyway, I am sure you’re busy too, but I would like to make an announcement:

The Dating Window is now officially closed.

I am not accepting any new applications to be my date until the Fall of 2020. Unless, of course, you pay the late fee. (It’s steep). Gasp! What’s up with that you ask? Excuse me for a minute. . . I just cranked up the Pet Shop Boys on my stereo. . . I’ve got old school DCM speakers, nothing flashy, but the bass response is perfect for rocking out. Not quite up to frat boy open-the-window-and-rock-the-Quad quality, but I can feel the reverb in my bones so we’re good. Where were we?

First off, I have filled my boyfriend position with a well-qualified candidate (wink, wink), a younger man. Gotta say I am warming up to the boyfriend concept. As far as my fairer sex, female dating prospects my top two candidates are now dating each other. Angst. Did you see this coming? Poof! There goes my rock & rock fantasy. Not to worry, I am sure that a new rock and roll fantasy girl will emerge. Let the Facebook stalking begin. Stalker’s Tip: Click the Friendship button on the object of your desire’s profile page, then click, ‘See First.’ As for my former crushes, I have clicked “Unfollow.” Perhaps they will be back in the picture one day. Hope so.

My love life seems to be taking on elements of the movie Sideways, which stars Thomas Hadden Church as Jack, a past his prime voiceover actor having a fling on a wild weekend getaway to California Wine Country and Paul Giamatti as Miles, a cynical and depressed teacher who is trying to get his book published. Jack is about to get married and wants to get the most out of his last days of freedom. The two get entangled in some crazy antics.

Note that Sideways influenced U.S. and U.K. wine sales. Throughout the film, Miles raves about the red wine varietal Pinot Noir while trash talking Merlot. After the film’s U.S. release in October 2004, Merlot sales dropped 2% while Pinot Noir sales increased 16% in the Western U.S.. A similar trend occurred in the U.K.

My love life is sort of a remix of the two characters. Like Jack, with my GCS on the horizon, I too am trying to enjoy a last hurrah. And like Miles, I seem to be constantly getting entangled in everybody else’s agenda. I seem to be at the pointy end of a few relationships, but what I am really looking for is a leading lady role, where I am the star of the show.

I thought I gave up falling in love a long, long time ago

I guess I like it, but I can’t tell you, you shouldn’t really know.

And I have been getting away with it all my life.

Getting Away with It  was released in 1989, was composed by Bernard Sumner of New Order, ex-Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr, and guesting vocalist Neil Tennant of Pet Shop Boys. I am constantly dissecting the lyrics of songs from the the ‘80s, trying to find the perfect theme song for my life. There are many candidates. The recent live versions of Getting Away with It have a great base line that’s much better than the over polished studio version. There is nothing quite like live music to stir the emotions.

Yesterday, I celebrated my two-year anniversary of taking those cute little oval aqua colored estradiol pills and those round pale yellow spironolactone pills. Did they turn me into a woman? That is a question that I could and may write a book about. The real question is, would you read it? The spironolactone has certainly made me pee a lot. Seriously, everybody transitions in their own way and along the way we experience our own epiphanies and try to answer our own questions about gender and sexuality as we navigate social constructs and the endless quest for validation. There, does that sound like I know what I am talking about?

Gender Confirmation on the Horizon

One thing I have noticed, being on estrogen and taking a testosterone blocker has made me very emotional. Buckle up pumpkin. It’s a wild ride. My GCS is lined up for February and I am counting down the days, trying to be low key about it and telling my friends in little snippets. I keep tabs on some of the women who are currently going through recovery to learn about their progress and inquire about the technical details of their doctor visits. I think it’s good to get this sort of information straight from the horse’s mouth after they’ve run the race, because the details fade away with time.

Some folks broadcast their countdown on Facebook. Nothing wrong with that. It’s a deeply personal decision though. I am not scared of the operation; I have full confidence in my surgeon and fully expect to wake up from anesthesia. I am definitely looking forward to the new plumbing configuration, though I hear that peeing is going to be painful and messy for quite a while. And then there’s the daily dilation. What, nobody told you? You are signing up to spend at least a half an hour a day with a dilator in your who-who for the rest of your life. Or you can have penetrative sex. I don’t know if I can afford a gigolo and boyfriends require constant training. I imagine that I will become a big fan of sex toys. My surgeon assures me that the plumbing will not leak and that the electricity will work as well. I am definitely curious about the electricity.

There will be blood. It’s gonna be gross and I am taking a month off from work. With no significant other in the picture and non-supportive siblings, I am really going to need my friends to help me through the first weeks and months as my new vagina heals. I figure I will be on the “inactive roster” for about 6 months at least. Then, I am going to want to do some performance testing. I have somebody lined up. Wonder if he’s gonna fit? There’s only one way to find out. There’s always Plan B. I am hoping for the best, but the reality is that I will probably have some minor complications. . .I am going to take it easy and take care of myself and live a very predictable and measured lifestyle in stark contrast to my current fast break, Runnin’ Rebels run and gun, rock and roll lifestyle.

This probably isn’t the sort of adventure that you can tell your grandkids about. I am sure that my foremothers have covered their thoughts and feelings about their GCS in TGForum. And I also know that for many of my sisters, GCS is out of reach. And some trans women are perfectly comfortable about keeping their penis. And to be brutally honest, there is no guarantee that my new vagina is going to get a lot of use. What if I wind up with a trans woman or a cis woman? What if he doesn’t fit? That happens. I think I am emotionally prepared for the battle ahead. I am locked and loaded. Bring it on.

Am I a Queer Woman?

But first, a little side adventure into the lifestyle of queer women. Okay Lynda, you say that you are interested in dating cis women as a trans woman, what exactly do you know about lesbian relationships?

Um. . . hmm not much. Long ago and far away, back when I identified as a crossdresser, I might have described myself as a trans lesbian. My understanding of my own sexual needs had not progressed much beyond the clothes and I was married to a woman who was very heterosexual. I found other crossdressers attractive. I had a big shoe fetish and my collection grew to over 250 shoes. I needed an outlet for my femininity and it was narrowly focused through crossdressing. Looking back, it stressed me out. I spent far more time looking through fashion magazines, shopping and trying to conceal my growing collections than I did actually going out. Such is life in the closet. I identify with all of the married crossdressers out there who are trying to balance their feelings with those of their wives and my heart goes out to you. My femininity continued to grow like a vine in a tiny pot reaching out for the light. Anywho. . . .

Guess what Married Crossdressers of the World, if you decide to transition you will be still be facing a balancing act. Should you decide to transition, you will still have to balance your feelings with those of your partner. If you choose to date guys, you will suddenly realize that communicating your feelings to them is nearly impossible. They don’t get it. They are fun though. And certainly, going the trans lesbian route and dating another trans woman is a safe bet, because you are going to be on the same wavelength. Sounds great. One little problem, everybody else you know is attracted to the same transwomen you are attracted to. Dating gets tricky when your friends ask you out and you must say no because, well they just aren’t the one you were looking for. How do you let em down easy? How do you explain that you are one complex pussycat who’s very finicky? Goes the other way too, make a move on your close friend, and she turns you down, bam, your wheel dips into the pothole, you sail over the handlebars and crash to the pavement. The road rash stings. You pedal on down the road and pretend not to be hurt. Like I said, I am fresh out of rock and roll fantasies, but I believe that there is someone out there for me.

Queer Women’s Party Time

Oh but wait, let’s see, I could date a cis-woman. I did that for years as a guy because I am attracted to women. It’s super easy for me to talk to women these days. I should fit right in with the lesbian crowd. Right? Lately, I have begun to attend an event in Philadelphia called the Sip City Mixer. It’s 100% female for women attracted to women. Last month’s version was held at the Triple Bottom Brewing Company at 915 Spring Garden Street in Philadelphia. It ran from 7 to 10 and I arrived promptly at 7 by cab straight from the office wearing a white blouse and black slacks. The tide had not come in yet and there were about a dozen women scattered in the back room. Tough situation to crack, I ordered an IPA and marched over to a table where Parker was stationed to promote her non-profit organization for artists. My twin daughters attend art college so we had lots to talk about and it’s not too far-fetched to imagine my daughters getting hooked up with her organization. I think they have sip and paint type events, which would probably be a lot of fun for me because I enjoy making art. I have her card somewhere.

Is the Sip City Mixer the happy hunting ground for me? Probably not. I am literally old enough to be the grandmother of some of these women. The age range is skewed more toward the 20s and 30s. By 8 the party was in full swing. And the back room was a sea of wall to wall women. The theme was flannel and I didn’t get the memo. I think I made a big mistake when I donated most of my flannel shirts a couple of months ago. Very few, like 2 of the maybe 100 women in this flock were wearing skirts. Very few queer women go for femme. I embrace femme. It’s my comfort zone. If I was rail thin, femme might work for me in this crowd, but I have a bone structure more like an NFL safety than a ballerina, I think the buzzword here is comfortable. Queer women dress in comfortable attire. Skinny jeans, leggings, flannel tops, or simple tops, comfy shoes. Edgy short haircuts, and cute earrings. And the queer women don’t refer to themselves as lesbians, they refer to themselves as queer. One of the queer women clued me into this distinction. And it could be a generational thing.

I recognize a few of the women from past events, but there are more women that recognize me. At a shade under 6 feet tall I stand out. Literally. I am accepted, but I am not quite part of the queer mating ritual. Yet. Will GCS change that? Maybe. I like the energy of these events. About 8:15 my two friends a trans woman and a cis woman who had enjoyed a dinner together arrived, lending credence to my presence. Did I find these queer women attractive? Of course, but just like everyone else, I’m attracted to the cute women who seem to be in close conversations with other cute women. Another piece of evidence to support my theory that hotties attract. It’s not a question of who I am attracted to, the real question is who is attracted to me? I never picked up any signs that anyone there found me attractive. And it wasn’t about what I was wearing. That’s a fixable problem. But in the final analysis, I am simply too old for this crowd. A couple of glasses of wine later, I leave with my two friends.

I have signed up to become part of a queer women’s book club. I need more things to do like I need a hole in the head, but I think it would be a good way to see if I am cut out to be a queer woman. A way of eliminating possible suspects in my search for the perfect mate. Perhaps it’s just an exercise in futility. I will probably get more mileage out to joining a bike club or a tennis club. But, I’ll wait until warmer weather to start those projects.

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Tags: dating, featured, Out & About, Transgender, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul