All Just a Dream?

| Mar 18, 2019
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Amanda in the sun on the first warm day of 2019.

What if this was all just a dream? I can’t help thinking these exact words lately. Perhaps my life, especially in the last 7 years, has gotten so surreal, that my mind thinks it may all just be a long strange trip that I took through the intricate workings of my grey matter.

Perhaps, it is too hard for my mind to believe that life could get this weird, or hard, or off track. It was used to growing up in a nice family of four, in decent homes and attending decent schools. It was used to playing endlessly and feeling as safe as a bar of gold in Fort Knox. Except for the occasional neighborhood bully, and first days of new schools, I didn’t have many worries. I was the kid who loved summer and the freedom it provided.

Life is much more complex now. The older I get, the sadder and harder life gets. I’ve spoken these words, but I’ve never written them. Life has gotten so surrealistic in its hardship, that I can nary believe it. But, is it all just a bad dream? Will I wake up, much like Bob Newhart did at the end of Newhart and realize, I am safe in my bed, with a wife, or even before that, when I was still in my old childhood room, attending The Art Institute and dressing on the side?

The 1990s were a great time for me. In fact, the ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s were all great. Am I still there, in my twin bed, in my parents house, at age 25, surrounded by love, safety, and all of my music gear dreaming this right now? I used to spend endless hours recording songs in my room, with that gear. I had it all, a girlfriend, Mom and Dad, my room, a car, my things, my bed, my furniture, my hidden clothes, shoes and makeup. My room was my Sanctuary.

I think of that song by Eddie Money from the ’80s I Want to Go Back.

I want to go back
And do it all over again
But I can’t go back I know
I want to go back
Cause I’m feeling so much older
But I can’t go back I know

I was in my teens when that song came out. But I really never appreciated it until now. You have to be older to understand. I just liked the song at that time, but now, I DO want to go back. Unless, I’m still there, dreaming all of this. My situation is almost too surreal to comprehend. I’ve lost so much, and have developed so many fears. I see friends hurting and dying. I don’t want to believe it, yet, day after day, it seems to be reality.

Am I really trans, in a strange city, unemployed, living in a room with what is left of my life and battling to remain calm and not end up penniless? I never imagined I’d end up in this reality. I WANT it to be all just a bad dream. I want to awake, in my old, friendly room in my parent’s house. My Dad would still be alive, my parents still married. I’d still be in art school and listening to alt rock and ’90s metal. I’d do things differently based on the long, strange, trippy dream I had woken up from.

If this is a bad dream, I’d like to rouse from it. But, I have a feeling it is not. I’m stuck in The Matrix, and have to battle Agent Smith every single day. I’m stuck on a strange, uncharted planet of bizzaro happenings and beings just hoping that Scotty can get a lock on me and beam me outta here. Please, Scotty…beam me up. Bones…wake me from my hallucination. I just want to feel safe and sound again.

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul

amandaf111

About the Author ()

I am a transwoman originally from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living full time for 5 years. I work in retail but am an artist/Graphic Designer and aspiring writer. I tend to address the controversial in my writing. I would love to change the world one article at a time. I moved to The San Francisco Bay Area to start over, again. But recently moved back to the East Coast. The adventure continues...

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