You Can’t Get What You Want (‘Til You Know What You Want)

“Cause I’ll tell you one thing, you can’t get what you want, ‘til you know what you want” Joe Jackson, 1984, from the Album Body and Soul.

I was born on Halloween, and I truly love the Fall. The flowers of Spring and Summer are gone, but you’ve got the flamboyant colors of the changing leaves and a plethora of costume parties, the pageantry of football and marching bands (I actually got to see a marching band perform You Can’t Get What You Want), beer festivals, Renaissance Fairs and other fun stuff. Halloween is one of the high holy days of the Crossdressing Calendar. If elected President, I will make Halloween a National Holiday and institute a four-day work week. “Tell me why I don’t like Mondays (Boomtown Rats).

So what do I want for my birthday? A vagina. They’re not for everybody, but I am 100% convinced that I am ready for the ultimate genital makeover. I have scheduled my surgery and I am counting down the days.

To tell you the truth. I had pretty much given up on the idea of dating someone before my surgery, my junk has shrunk and it’s in a funk. I feel a bit awkward around men, and though I still found cis women attractive, I was deathly afraid of rejection. I figured a relationship with a trans woman would be the most the emotionally satisfying. I was caught up in an internal debate and though my libido was intact, my lack of confidence was killing my mojo.

And then out of the blue, I had a date with a guy and the earth moved as we say. That initial date has led to more dates. I have learned an enormous amount about myself during those dates and my self-confidence has grown by leaps and bounds.

Transitioning late in life has given me a license to reinvent myself. One important piece of the puzzle has been getting vocal feminization lessons at Temple. The lessons are free and I am on my fourth semester. The voice lessons have made a big difference in my day to day presentation. It’s a challenge and I think one of the biggest challenges was learning to trust my feminine voice all day every day, welcome to my life, it never ends.

While gender fluidity is all the rage these days, I cling tightly to the gender binary and do my absolute best to transform myself into a female. I am far from perfect. However, my boyfriend recently asked me how many guys I have dated, and I told him that he was the first. He seemed a bit skeptical, but it’s true. But let’s not get all comfy cozy just yet, my boyfriend and I have a no strings attached relationship and my free agency status is intact.

On a recent Thursday night, I joined my favorite wing girl Jone at the Pyramid Club, a swanky bar and restaurant high atop the Mellon Bank building on the 52^nd Floor with an incredible view of the City. We were there after work at the Sip City Mixer, an all-girl lesbian event. On this particular night, there were multiple groups in attendance, so it was actually a mixed crowd of males and females. This actually put some of the lesbians on edge. The official party lasted from 6 to 8 and I had arrived fashionably late in a dress and Mary Jane pumps. The dress code was professional, no jeans and no t-shirts, and most of the lesbians were decked out in edgy jackets and pants, short haircuts with attitude, and some standout sexy earrings. I would say I was one of only three women wearing a dress, but I didn’t let that faze me. I got multiple comments on my heart necklace and a couple on my perfume.

The point of mixers is meeting new people and Jone and I staked out prime seats at the bar. I stayed at the bar the whole night to keep an eye on the purses, while Jone worked the crowd. Some of the women recognized me from previous events and mentioned my group of trans friends. Clearly, we are a known and accepted entity. Working the bar requires keeping track of who is bellying up to the bar for a drink, which typically presents ample opportunities to break the ice

A cute blonde was sitting next to me at the bar. I used my patented line. “Hi, I’m Lynda.” And she introduced herself. “I’m Patti.” And there you have it, I am instantly on a first name basis with Patti. Turns out Patti lives in the town adjacent to mine. Soon, we were Facebook friends and I bought her a drink. I was pulling out all the stops. I gave her my phone number. I haven’t heard from her, but since I have photo documentation of this encounter, I will recognize her at a future Mixer.

By 8 o’clock Jone and I had imbibed a snootful of red wine, so we high-tailed it back to King of Prussia for appetizers at Morton’s. During Happy Hour and after 9 pm, Morton’s has a nice selection of $7, $8 and $9 bar bites. The bar bites are clearly a cut above your average bar food and you can get three cheeseburger sliders made to order for $8, We ordered our filet mignon bar bites rare, but they arrived medium-well, so we sent them back. Now just between you and me I was fine with the medium-well filet bar bites, but Jone is a rare steak only, take charge kind of girl. Have you ever sent an appetizer back? Me neither. Jone politely complained to the barmaid, and within a few minutes our rare cooked to order filet mignon bar bites arrived. Why settle?

So, let’s get back to our theme. Some folks claim that our sexuality is a static thing. That you are “born this way,” but I think it’s a whole lot more complex than that. I think there is definitely a big social imprint factor. And for me having lived the better part of my life in the closet, I wasn’t really free to express my own sexuality. And even after I got divorced and started living alone and living my life it has taken me a while to figure out who I really want to be with, men or women, or all of the above. And the well-hung jury is clearly out. I have decided not to decide. I will not be accepting any more medium rare sliders. See ya next month.

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Tags: featured, Identity, opinion, Transgender, Transition

Category: Out & About, Transgender Body & Soul