When I am SHE I am not HE
I’m not sure if other have the same conundrum as me. And the more I think about it, the more it puzzles me.
I like to think I’m reasonably well educated, have a university degree and have enjoyed a successful, professional career for the past 30 or so years. I can be objective and rational and detached when working out business or other life issues; I can be firm and decisive about most things.
I’ve also spent many years trying to learn and understand as much as I can about what makes us crossdress or why some of us are borderline Transgender. Or why, indeed, some of our community suffer from gender dysphoria to such an extent that they simply have to transition for the own well-being.
All in all, a fascinating subject about which there are many different opinions and thoughts, and answers.
Yet one major question which continues to gnaw away at my thinking, which seems to hover perpetually in the background of my conscious, and to which I am no closer to getting an answer than when I first started contemplating it:
“When I am SHE, I am not HE, so where does HE go? And when I’m HE I am not SHE so where is SHE?”
I’m sure posing questions like this make me sound like a schizophrenic, but I believe these are valid queries. In some ways, I guess, it’s like asking: where does the “mind” go when you sleep? Maybe to dreamland, yes, but there are times when we don’t dream…
What I’m trying to say is that when I assume the persona of my female self, my male side evaporates. Not only is my appearance radically different but also my behavior and mannerisms. Presenting and behaving as female all comes naturally and I am not pretending, not acting, not forcing it. It just… well, happens.
For example, and don’t laugh. . . when male I am careful with money, maybe even a little on the thrifty side. I rarely buy clothes or shoes and my wardrobe can best be described as a joke! As a female I have wardrobe after wardrobe of clothes and shoes and things, and am happy to spend money in amounts and on things I wouldn’t spend ordinarily as him.
When male I am relatively shy and retiring (business matters excepted), with few, if any friends, and keep well away from the limelight. She is different and, whilst not gregarious, certainly is much more of a social animal who, of course, just has to be seen!
So, when SHE is here, where is HE? I can’t find any trace of HIM. HE just disappears. Off to another planet, off to another parallel life? I just don’t know.
I know HE will come back when (sadly) the makeup and wig come off and the female clothes are discarded. In fact, at one time, when my opportunities to be SHE were limited, this reversion to HE would almost break my heart, and it would take me hours to get over it!
Still, if HE can disappear, so can SHE. When the necessity to be HE is unavoidable, SHE has to hide away. Sure, there may be some traces of HER in day to day life (i.e. relatively long fingernails, shaped eyebrows, hairless body) but, for the most part, SHE is not around.
So, just where is SHE?
Does anyone have the answer(s)?
PS: don’t say “out shopping” ?
Like to make a comment? Login here and use the comment area below.
Category: Transgender Body & Soul
About the Author (Author Profile)
Christine has written numerous (at least 150) articles, columns, op-eds, features & stories for well known T magazines, websites & e-zines; she also works as a part time fiction editor for Club Lighthouse Publishing, and is a co-editor of an award winning T-girl Magazine. In addition, she has written 8 adult books mainly in the T sub-genre which have been published by Club Lighthouse Publishing, for whom she has been the best selling author for the last 5 years.Subscribe
If you enjoyed this article, subscribe to receive more just like it.
