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What Happened to The Real Me?

| Apr 16, 2018
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What happened to The Real Me? I sometimes wonder, who is The Real Me? I am not sure anymore. I don’t know what I have made myself into in the last 6 and a half years. I am such a far cry from what I was in 2010.

I have been here in California for 3 years, 5 months and 18 days. I feel like I have lost my soul out here. I went looking for a new life and found a hard place that loves to take, take, take. I really don’t know how I have survived this long. I find it staggering actually. I am not really “making it” here. I just hang on. The end of this dream-turned-nightmare may be at hand.

I feel like I have lost myself. I don’t know where I am headed, what the hell I am doing, or who I am. I THOUGHT I knew what I was doing in October of 2014 when I journeyed to this place. I THOUGHT I knew who I was. I don’t anymore. I have lost all of that momentum.

I was ready to get GRS in the summer of 2015. Things were clicking along. I had my letter and a consult scheduled. That’s when something changed. Everything went to hell. The Anxiety Storm started. I went into a protective shell. Everything became hard. I wasn’t sure what was going on with my body and mind. Perhaps it was all too much, too fast.

It has taken me over two years to get over that tough period. I am still working on it. I am in withdrawal of a powerful anti-depressant that I started back up after going off of it for 6 months. I had been on another drug for the previous 6 years since my first huge panic attack that sent me to the hospital in 2009.

I have always been anti-drug. I really don’t like to take or be on any drugs. I think they just cover up the real problem. Yes, sometimes they are necessary. I feel like I am slowly waking up from the numbness of my protective shell. Like the spaceship that awoke in Independence Day, things are starting to turn on again. All of the little gizmos are lighting up and things are getting exciting.

Is The Real Me Awakening? Is this Trans Wars Episode VI: The Real Amanda Awakens? Who is Amanda anyway? Sometimes I still don’t know myself. I look in the mirror and I am not sure who is looking back. I am not sure I would like the old reflection, but I may still be uncomfortable with the new reflection. I feel like something needs adjusted. Perhaps it’s time to step back a bit.

I drank the Trans Kool-Aid in late 2011 when I quickly went from dressing, to part-time, to hormones, to name change, to full time in a span of 6 months. It was quite fast thinking back upon it. Perhaps, it was too fast. I was in The Pink Cloud and thought that I had waited long enough. The opportunity arose when I became laid off from my job after 8 years. If I transitioned while I was off work, I would never have to transition on the job…ever. Unless, I ever (gasp) de-transitioned.

I took hormones hoping for breasts of at least a B or C cup, since it was said to expect 2 cup sizes less than your mother at the worst case. Well, that is bullshit. I am still an A cup and my Mom was a 38DD. I have since read that your paternal grandmother would be a closer match. Grandma F. was not very big at all.

I thought, maybe, if I took hormones and my body changed enough, it would make it too hard to ever change my mind and that I was just destined to be a girl. Well, that didn’t exactly happen. I have softened. I have gotten fatter. My boobs grew a little. My body got some fat re-depositing. But, I don’t see THAT much difference. I was always soft. I had a very high estrogen count for a male before hormones. That was balanced by a normal testosterone count, but it made me very soft all over. I had a great head start for transition.

But, maybe I should have waited. Maybe I should have lived with being part-time for a while. I remember thinking I didn’t want to do that because I had an opportunity and, I thought I had waited long enough from childhood until age 41. I knew that hormones would not work on my 41-year-old body as well as a young punk. Maybe I should have let it breathe for a while, like opening a fine wine. You don’t just pop that cork and guzzle it down, you wait, let things settle, breathe.

I didn’t do that. I was unemployed and was well into extended benefits. The Gravy Train was going to run out eventually. I had to make a decision. I don’t like major decisions. Being around other trans folks was intoxicating because I wanted to follow in their footsteps. In hindsight, I was a Baby Trans caught in The Pink Cloud. I had been dressing for years, but this was for real. I didn’t seem to care how real it was. I went for it.

Did I just think it was a good idea at the time, or did I REALLY want to transition? That is the question. It’s so hard to know the answer when you are excited and ready to go for it. I am not sure I thought it through as well as I should have. I tend to make rash, emotional decisions. I bought a car in 2016 that I never should have because I made a rash, emotional decision. I did not research the car. I trusted the nameplate. I got burned. The car plummeted in value and I now I have negative equity and a car with a suspect transmission. It was a great deal, and I have a good long warranty, but still, I should have backed up, let the “car fever” subside, and make a more rational decision.

So where does that leave me now? Is this reflection in the mirror The Real Me? I really don’t know how I have gotten to this point. It all seems like a blur. Strange, I have been watching the TV show Psych from the late 2000’s online. My ex-wife and I loved the show. I look at the dates of the episodes when I watch and I am up to the point where things started to go down. My wife had announced to me that she wanted a divorce. She found another guy and was cheating. She was sick of me and catching me in weird situations and finding clothing.

The current episode of Psych was Season 5, Episode 1. July 14, 2010. That was a week after she “caught” me as I released myself from any qualms about dressing like a girl and hanging out around the house while she was at work. I am still not sure why she cared at that point. She said she wanted out. I am still not sure why, to this day, she freaked — again. Perhaps it was a reflex at that point. But, after that, it became clear that we were heading for a divorce.

I really took to the dressing and finally, finally sought out others like me. I had refrained from doing that for fear of what they would inspire or awaken in me. I was exactly right. I was inspired. I met others who were like me. I was also drawn to the “serious” ones. I knew my thing was not just a fetish. I knew it was more, but, how much more? Did I go too far? Perhaps, I dove in headfirst when I should have dipped a toe in first. Maybe I made a rash, emotional decision to transition. Who is The Real Me?

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul

amandaf111

About the Author ()

I am a transwoman originally from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living full time for 5 years. I work in retail but am an artist/Graphic Designer and aspiring writer. I tend to address the controversial in my writing. I would love to change the world one article at a time. I moved to The San Francisco Bay Area to start over, again. But recently moved back to the East Coast. The adventure continues...

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