Transition Brings an Emotional Storm

Finessing The Fine Line Between Love and Hate. When Is It Too Late?

Things change so much, so drastically, so suddenly, and often times accompanied by conflict, confusion, and hurt feelings. It’s so abrasive and unexpected that you find yourself somewhere you didn’t intend to be and don’t want to be, and yet, even though it’s not what you want, you end up right back there again. Relationships are work for everybody. That is no secret, compound that with the added stress of divorce, school, and everyday life and it’s easy to see how things can go askew. Sprinkle in a bit of HRT and a male to female transition and life becomes a mash up of emotions that are hard to convey, feelings that you are not used to having, and two people who wake up everyday uncertain of how today is going to go, and if it is even worth trying any more.

As Hannah is growing more into herself she has found that her fears about being alone and shunned were unfounded and that support for her is everywhere. Even though many people may be of the thought that there is only male and female and nothing in between, it doesn’t take much for most to realize that is not the case once they have the chance to meet someone who does fall in between. Although they might not necessarily understand it, they usually find out that it is nothing as perverse as it was once thought to be. For her, it gives the opportunity to help break down the wall of ignorance that outdated information has built up. For them, it gives them something tangible to compare their thoughts to, it gives them another way to think. It is a good thing.

As I watch her grow and see her reach out and find the acceptance she is seeking, she needs my support less and less, which is absolutely the way it should be, but it is emotionally hard for me. She had wrapped my head so tightly around her going through this alone and in the worst way, that I instinctively and genuinely felt I needed to protect her from the rejection and hurt she expected. Of which she has only seen very little. From the beginning I have encouraged her to do whatever she needs to do to find herself, even if I don’t agree, she needs to experience growing up as freely as she deserves. She is healing her emotional wounds from the past as Mannah, as well as discovering herself, as her mind and body are discovering themselves.

Everything about her mind and body is in conflict right now and all I want to do is help her and guide her and be part of it all, and I am slowly and reluctantly learning that is not really my role. Today as it stands, I am not really sure what my role is day to day. We are off, we are on, we are in that regard a normal couple discovering themselves, learning how to coexist and be happy. I fear that I am hurting her more emotionally than helping her. This is where our ineffective approach to communication is damaging, because I want more than she wants to give, and I give more than she wants to get. I expect more out of her emotionally than anyone has, I don’t know how not to. Ultimately I am me, emotionally high maintenance, and she is her, emotionally distant. Without meaning to, I am causing her to distance herself from me.

I do hope that as she is finding the support she needs and is able to talk candidly about how she feels and what she is going through in life. I don’t hear much about that these days. She doesn’t open up to me the way she used to. Somewhere along the way, she started to view the value of my input as more critical than insightful. The person that told Mannah that he was not a bad person or sick for wanting to be a girl. The person that helped him let go of his shame and free the person that she is supposed to be. The person who in a matter of days went from talking to a broken and defeated man to freeing the fun, innocent beauty that is Hannah. The person who told Hannah her happiness matters as well. The person that promised to protect her is now the person that now says the words that cause more harm than good, more often that not they hurt more than they heal. That is obviously not the outcome I was going for and I am angry at myself for not seeing it time.

In my mind I’ve always felt the evolution of our relationship would eventually go from romantic to friendship and I have always been okay with that, because I am her friend before all else. I never held expectations of a long lasting love affair or a lifetime of blissful coupledom. I have always said that I am here until she decides that I am no longer what she wants in her life. We both know the dynamics of our relationship are on the verge of another shift. To me, we are at a point in time where freeing the one I love is inevitable. I know that once she is free she will not be coming back to me. I am okay with that, I just don’t know that I am ready yet. And although she clings to me, it is out of fear of the unknown, the idea of ending up alone, losing the only person that she knows for certain is okay with the fact that she is a different kind of girl.

I had told her that I thought that maybe our relationship isn’t working out because she isn’t in the type of relationship she really wants to be in and should entertain the idea of trying to date men, that is what women do. Her response is that men don’t want to be with girls like her. And although she didn’t say it, I felt like her response said “I am afraid of leaving you, that even though I am not happy, I stay because at least you accept me, and I may not find that again.” That is a lot to take away from that, but as I said she clings to me now. The way we hold each other and embrace each other has changed as well.

Once upon a time she would lay her head on my chest and melt into me and I could feel her fears go away and her soul relax. She now clings to me like a child too scared to let go, but one who wants to experience the world. Her soul doesn’t relax and she no longer melts into me. She is clinging to the familiarity. What she doesn’t know is that there is a person out there that can do for her what I can’t. I’ve told her this, but she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t understand that within herself is the person she longs to be with. That when she learns to love herself, she will find the love that she wants and deserves. This is true of every person, and I struggle with this myself.

I have my own insecurities that I bring to the table. Ones that I didn’t even know existed until Hannah came into my life. Insecurities that I have asked Hannah to help me through, but ultimately, insecurities that are my own. Insecurities that have aided in the way our lives are turning out. She doesn’t need the added stress of my problems in her life. I don’t know how to be there for her, and not burden her with my own anxieties and concerns. I don’t know how to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. She is my support system. She is the only person I know that knows what I am going through. Once, we had the healthiest relationship, albeit strange, that we both had ever had, and now we just seem to exist. There is a fine line between love and hate and although it is not something that I like to admit, we are walking on it like a tight rope and I don’t know that we’re going to make it to the other end. I’d rather let her go now and her find her happiness and be her friend through it, then lose her altogether because she and I aren’t compatible romantically.

Tags: featured, Identity, partners, Transgender, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul