Things I Had to Learn…

…and wish I knew at the start

Victoria on the road to discovery.

At this moment I am sitting in my car starting this article, which (yes, I did pull off the road) because the thought I have in the title “Things I had to learn” also has a sub topic, “and wish I knew at the start.” Let me first tell you a story of how this came about.

There were two men talking and both men have daughters. The man asked his friend, “Why didn’t you tell me that having a house full of women would be like this, and does it get better?” His friend replied, “You had to find out for yourself and it gets more interesting,” the man then asked, “Tell me what to look for?” His friend replied,”You have to find out for yourself!”

I have been on this journey for many years and it was not till late 2011 that I actually began to get comfortable with myself. As I look back even further I used to be the one looking at the ladies out and about town with their friends and on many occasions I wished I was that brave! I know many of you see my photos and read my stories and some are saying (and a few have written) that very wish I once had is now a reality.

So, keeping this a brief topic I will share some things I have learned over the last few years so you won’t have to experience them or you will know what to do in those situations.

Here are some tips from me:

 LEARN TO BE COMFORTABLE

Don’t be afraid when you feel yourself feeling comfortable to the point where you’re just feeling great about yourself. For me, I am at that point where I can pretty much go anywhere within my personal safe zone and be me. I am very comfortable in being me. Now to get here I took baby steps so don’t rush it! I made that mistake in my early years and was not prepared. I was not comfortable in who I was, as I am today. As I say, always stop to take time to create a list of goals and make your large one the last thing on the list. Within the goals set small ones that will get you to the larger one.

Plan your outings and save gas and money. I used to drive for hours using up gas like there was a refinery in my backyard. Today I plan each outing from start to finish. As I am writing this I am sitting in a McDonald’s after watching people come in and out but no one is bothering me.

Become comfortable with your clothes and how they should move and make sure they are fitting your body type. It took a few years for me to perfect my body shape! Now that I have found my shape I can pretty much buy clothes that work for my shape without trying them on.

Quick tip: Remember that nail polish is not always 100% off so use a cotton swab with remover around the edges of your nail bed.

HEIGHT DOES NOT MATTER

Being tall does not mean you don’t pass! I am tall and yes I pass about 70% of the time and I may be a bit low based on my last outings! Your ability to pass is also based on how comfortable you are! If you appear comfortable in who you are, including your clothing, most people will look at you and you have one time to make that impression of who and what you are. I can tell you when I was shopping for some shoes I had a customer at the store compliment me on my height and told me she has a friend that, along with her friends daughter, is my height! So I told her being a tall woman we have to carry ourselves a bit differently which is true because my mother was tall and she carried herself the way I carry myself.

THE PRONOUNS

When I first started I did not care much about how I was addressed. Till I began going out in public. I do remember when I thought I had everything together and a man addressed me at Payless as I paid for my items saying, “Have a nice day sir.” I was hurt and did not show the signs outwardly till I got in my car and of course that was another blow to me which forced me get things together so that would never happen again. It has happened a few time but now I ignore it as ignorance and often wonder how many tall women have to deal with this! I will say my mother did — believe it or not — and one guy who had called her “sir” turned extremely red when he noticed she was very pregnant!

(Editor’s Note: Sometimes people will call you “sir” when they are trying to be polite but don’t know how to address a crossdressed male. Just say, “I prefer miss” and educate them.)

I feel it is very important to make sure you’re using the correct pronouns to describe yourself and that includes around people and online. Use of the correct pronouns, I found, enforce who I am and makes me feel great. If you have images of a woman on your online life but your marked in your profile as male it causes confusion with a very few, however it is not dishonest to use the gender you’re presenting. I will say there is nothing like reading “(female name) is celebrating his birthday” on Facebook.

Do not celebrate openly when you’re addressed with the female pronouns! It is like a red flag confirming what they thought.

I am comfortable and to keep me happy I prefer to be addressed using female pronouns. I expect it and accept them.

RESTROOMS

As I began the journey I would read the questions on forums about which restroom to use. I would personally go to the lady’s room and I remember my first time. No one in there — then all of a sudden people came in so I sat there in fear! Yes I sat! I did not know what to do so I waited till they left then washed my hands and got out of there! Fast forward to today. I do use the lady’s room and the fear is not there and so far I have had only one experience with a woman walking out as I walked in. She had an attitude but frankly I did not care, I had to go so I sat down and did my business, washed my hands, made sure everything was in place and left.

So the big question is which restroom should you use? Use the one that goes with how you’re dressed or what the law will allow in your part of the world.

CLOTHING & MAKEUP

This is one area that I have touched on briefly in this article and it is now time to expand it.

I will start with makeup which is basic for many of us. (I enjoy seeing women who have that “perfect” skin tone and do not require any make up! I am working on that myself!)

One thing about makeup is that too much makes you look fake and not enough does not make you look right. I noticed in my case that I can go light on foundation if I follow a proper skin care routine, which is to cleanse and moisturize my skin. Doing that tends to help with shaving and makeup application plus it makes your skin look healthy — which you want to have no matter how you present. Applying makeup works best when you’re using a makeup brush and I learned this from color match session at the Mac counter so I am a fan of and only use brushes. Also, it has extended the time between makeup purchases.

Here’s a clothing tip. The one thing that is important is that you see the clothes as your clothes! When you were growing up you saw your clothes as your clothes without assigning a gender to them so that should be one of the first things you accept when wearing your cute dress or nice pants! They are your clothes — especially if they fit you!

 LESSON

What I wish I would have known in the beginning is that it takes time to find yourself on this journey and it is best to slowdown and learn with each level. If you take your time it will be a more fulfilling experience and the growth will be beyond your dreams. So learn to slow the train down and become who you desire to be. You can’t bake a cake in two minutes and have it come out right so look at your journey like you’re baking a cake!

Tags: closeted, confidence, featured, Identity, Out & About, passing, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender How To