Remembering the Missing Man
For those of you who have transitioned gender full-time . . . how do you think about, or refer to, your former self?
Not long ago, I was talking to a friend about the fact that I had now gone from taking Estradiol by pill, to patches, to a self-administered injection. “Bill never could have done that,” I said, “But I have no problem with that.”
My friend was surprised that I referred to my former self in the third person. I reflected on that for a while, and while the response was instinctive, it really reflects how I feel about the man I used to pretend to be.
The world knew me as Bill for fifty-eight years and eight months. Bill experienced a lot, learned a lot and made a lot of friends. But he wasn’t real. He wasn’t me. He spent all those years in denial, in fear and in hiding.
It’s been fascinating over the past thirteen months to watch myself through the eyes of others.
Not one person said they thought I was going to come out as transgender. A handful thought I was going to reveal that I was gay, while many others said something along the lines of this: “I always knew there was a wall around you, but I didn’t know why. Now the wall is gone.”
A couple of people told me they would be mourning my male identity and hoped I wouldn’t mind. One person was sad they didn’t get to tell Bill goodbye. I told them Bill was nice, but he was never real, and I hoped they would see that Claire incorporated the best, most authentic parts of him, plus a whole lot more.
I can understand the impulse to mourn a lost persona, but I think it’s also possible to carry the idea too far. On Facebook one day, a friend posted that one of her acquaintances had asked her to stage a funeral for her male self, to offer people a sense of closure. My friend thought that was a little strange, and I did too.
A wise young friend and I were reflecting on all of this and she said, “It’s almost like a happy death,” and that made sense to me. We might remember the caterpillar, but we don’t mourn her; we celebrate the butterfly that she has become.
Category: Transgender Body & Soul
About the Author (Author Profile)
Claire Hall was born and grew up in a large city on the left coast and has spent most of her adult years in a beautiful small coastal community where she's now an elected official in local government after spending many years as a newspaper and radio reporter. In her space time she loves reading, writing fiction (her first novel was published by a regional press a couple of years ago), watching classic Hollywood movies, and walking.Subscribe
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