Remains of an Old Life

| Jun 13, 2016
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Recently, my roomie and bestie, Linda Lewis, and I went on a long road trip to Saginaw, Michigan, where she used to live. I tell the tale of that odyssey HERE. In any case, we had two objectives: to visit her older sister (the only member of her family still speaking to her) and to retrieve the contents of a storage space she’d been renting.

The contents of that storage space now take up approximately a third of the living room of our tiny one bedroom apartment. It is everything she owns, and since we returned, she’s been slowly going through it. Aside from her sister, she no longer has ties to Michigan.

Linda's storage items

Pile of Doom!

Some of the things she has shared with me. Old pictures from years past. Magazines with her on the cover. Videos from conventions she attended. I assume there is plenty in there that means a lot to her, but she is keeping private, as it should be.

We all should have some parts of our Lives just for ourselves.

I don’t have this luxury. When I was thrown out in late August 2013, Wife and I divided our joint possessions. She kept almost all the pictures and mementos. I didn’t fight it. They are all she has now to remember the “Man” she married. However, I still have things here in the apartment and in storage that I kept. I have my helmet from my Rescue Squad days. Old yearbooks. Some photos. Old concert T-shirts. Relics of a person who is long Gone.

Why do I keep them? Why didn’t I do what many people do each time they move, and just toss stuff?

Well, I have always been sentimental. I like having tangible items from times past to remind me of those times. After I’m gone, most of these things will be tossed into a dumpster, as they are meaningless and worthless to everyone but me. But to me, they are priceless.

Police concert Shirt

My 1983 Police Concert Shirt (being modeled by Wife)

Before I rediscovered myself in 2008, I sought answers in the past. Why was I so angry? Why was I in so much Pain? I figured that everything Had to have gone wrong in high school or college, so I concentrated on that. In many ways, my Penn State years were the best time of my life. But they were also painful– broken relationships, feeling like an Outsider at the Fraternity, and deep depression.

I even wrote a book about that time, hoping to dig out some Answers. I finished the book in September 2008. And by the end of 2008, my True Self began emerging from her long sleep.

Remember, I said High school may have been where it went wrong? Well it was — that’s when I began denying my True Self (1983). I figured a Guy doesn’t wear dresses, etc. And I was tired of feeling like a freak. THAT’S when the Pain really started. And the Deep depression. The Anger. Followed eventually by the Drinking.

Now here I am in 2016. I am living my Truth. Yet, I still keep these relics and mementos.

Why?

Is it to remember the person I once tried to be, yet never really was?

As I said, I’m sentimental. I still like holding an old concert shirt from 1983 in my hand and remembering the show. (And when it actually fit me!) My college things are tangible reminders of that time. I still have a bunch of old uniform shirts and things from TGI Fridays, as a reminder of working there (including my suspenders with their over 50 pieces of flair!). I have an entire trash bag full of Games Workshop Staff Shirts.

Taking up Space.

In my Storage Space, and in my Soul.

Where is the rent higher?

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll find the answer someday. Probably learning it from my Past… or my Future.

Be Well.


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Category: Transgender Body & Soul

Sophie Lynne

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  1. amandaf111 amandaf111 says:

    I have thrown away so much in the last few years. I left behind so much at my old house. I just could not take everything. I filled up giant trash cans with stuff from the past. It hurt to throw it away but that stuff was just weighing me down. I left behind my childhood furniture and my grandmother’s mirror. That was hard. I still think of them. I went from a whole house, down to an 11×13′ room. I still think I have too much. Being poor makes you less able to transport stuff around.