Project-ing Halloween

Since starting this Quixotic journey for my PhD, I haven’t had time for hobbies. Or sleep. Now that I’m on the “read stuff, write stuff” portion (Dissertation proposal) I’ve found some time to. . . lay around and stare at the walls and wallow in depression and Imposter Syndrome. In an attempt to use this time more productively (in other words, actually accomplish something instead of sitting around like a blob), I figured I’d re-start some projects I’d put off for, um, a year or so. Chief among these were painting two artificial pumpkins (for Wife and Daughter) and a wooden tombstone, all of which I bought at a craft store last year, swearing to myself I’d have them painted in time for Halloween this year.

After not touching them (in fact, they were in storage) for most of the year, I started research for the tombstone a couple of months back. I wanted to imitate those really cool pre-colonial tombstones in old churchyards with the cool iconography and such. I found some I liked and saved them on my ancient computer.

You see, when I was younger, painting miniatures used to calm me down (usually). Then, when I worked for GW, painting minis became a mandatory thing, and so lost its hobby aspect. That said, my techniques vastly improved. It took over a decade after leaving GW for me to attempt mini painting again, and I was sorely out of practice. In the intervening time, I’ve started painting again, painting game pieces for Heroquest, and a couple other games.

As I type this, that tombstone is out on our balcony, drying in the sun. I spent many hours on it. I was going to use my name on it, but I figured that may upset some people, so I used a fake name. In any case, it’s all but finished.

In addition, today is the Penn State Homecoming game. My fraternity is having a tailgate starting at three. I probably won’t go, as I know I’m not wanted there, and don’t need the stress. In addition, on Monday the Proud Boys founder will be speaking on campus, bringing his thugs with him. Rumor says they’ll be blockading the LGBT Center where I work. That’s all I need — a physical confrontation while I’m dressed for work. Stay tuned.
See, that’s the point — I’m trying to find ways to relax, focus, and counter the Darkness. Painting, writing, drawing — they help relax me, even if they take time from my scholarly pursuits. But if depression is going to take that time anyway, I may as well try to do SOMETHING. We, dear readers, have enough stress, with so many of us living double lives, or unable to express our Truths at all because it would mean disaster. Yes, those of us who violated gender norms by transitioning continue to have stresses, as we are targets, especially for hate from the GQP and their minions.

I will finish my degree, God willing, but right now I’m trying to stay alive, now almost 14 years since re-discovering myself on Halloween 2008.
Be well.

Tags: featured, halloween, Identity

Category: Transgender Body & Soul