My New Battle With Anxiety

| Nov 30, 2015
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amanda113015I am not right. I don’t feel like me. Anxiety has overtaken my life recently and it scares me. Perhaps writing about it will help. I have been keeping a journal. This is day 20 of the new battle.

It was the day after I saw my doctor. I’d been fighting a bit of balance/vertigo issues. I also had a nasty rash that wouldn’t go away. It was time to see my doc in San Francisco. She is at Lyon- Martin, which is a great facility that treats only women. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, lesbian, bi, queer, trans, etc, Lyon Martin helps treat you. This can be quite comforting and affirming.

My young doctor’s name is Psyche. So Bay Area, right? Doctor Psyche. (Pronounced sike-e) I imagine her parents were neo-hippies or enlightened somehow. She is very nice. I worry about her youth a bit because of possible lack of experience, but the facility is so affirming, I try to overlook the youth. I told her about my anxiety up to that point. It was localized to panic attacks at night occasionally with a bit of low, generalized anxiety here or there. Nothing like now.

We talked about Spiro and my concerns about it. I have read some research on Spiro possibly causing depression, anxiety and a lower ability to deal with stress. NOT good for a trans person. All trans people should ask their doctor about this research. We have to deal with enough. So, she decided to put me back on Citalopram 10 mg. I had taken this med for six years prior to tapering off and stopping back in the spring of this year. I guess I just thought I was ready to stop. I wanted to try life without it. Citalopram is a generic for Celexa. Celexa helps depression but it has been found to really help anxiety. It has gotten me through so many tough times with only some anxiety. Divorce, leaving my house, uncertainty about my future, moving in with my ex-partner, starting HRT, moving to South Carolina, moving to the Bay Area with a traumatic stop in Tacoma, Washington, almost being homeless here in SF and finally smoothing out and finding a life. Yeah, so then I decide to screw it up and go off of that med that helped me through all of that. Dumb.

On November 10, after I took my first pill after being off for six months, my anxiety rose to a new and enduring high. I don’t know if it’s the side effects of being back on it or something else. Sometimes, things can get worse before they get better on Citalopram or any anti -depressant. I’m not particularly depressed in my life so I was always hesitant to take Citalopram. But it’s supposed to work on anxiety.

Every day since has become a battle. Right now, as I sit, I feel anxiety. I have been battling sleep issues. I have always loved sleep. I rarely have trouble. Six years ago, I was having night terrors and panic attacks after. I had some generalized anxiety too. I was at a very stressful job with a really hard-ass boss. I believe that contributed to it. Now, maybe it’s my job and my new hard-ass boss, ironically with the same name as the other one. Maybe it’s fear over GRS and fear about consequences. Maybe it’s being so far from my family, my ex-partner and my hometown. I do feel isolated. I have friends here and a support group. People care about me. But, it may be too much, too different, too far. I don’t know what is bothering me so much. It’s really scary. I tend to dramatize things, I realize. Everything always seems like it’s going to last forever. Sleep is so important to me and for health. When I don’t sleep well, I don’t live well.

I have heard a magnesium deficiency may contribute to nervous/anxiety problems. I am going to look into supplements and asking my doctor. I see her on December 7. It’s been an eternity. I’m trying to just breathe and relax, get as many hugs as possible, eat as well as I can, keep exercising, etc. It’s scary to battle a vague, undefined ailment. It’s a battle of the mind.

My hope is that things will smooth out soon. I am taking my meds as instructed and trying different times to take it. I really, really hope it’s just a transition to smoother times. I definitely know about transitions. I just want my life back. I want to be happy again. I want to sleep soundly again. I want to be able to go places and do things like have GRS. Right now I am taking it day to day. I definitely need comfort and hugs, but I also have to be strong. It’s hard to, but I must keep moving forward.

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul


About the Author ()

I am a transwoman originally from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living full time for 5 years. I work in retail but am an artist/Graphic Designer and aspiring writer. I tend to address the controversial in my writing. I would love to change the world one article at a time. I moved to The San Francisco Bay Area to start over, again. But recently moved back to the East Coast. The adventure continues...

Comments (1)

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  1. Nadia Nadia says:

    Dear sister, I’m sorry to hear about your unexpected difficulty. My thoughts are with you.

    Regarding Spiro, it is not the only anti-androgen out there. I don’t use it myself, instead I take injections of Depo-Provera as my anti-androgen, in addition to estrogen pills of course. Some t-girls use cyproterone (Androcur), although you have to order it online from overseas. Others say that estrogen is all you really need. So many different opinions and personal experiences out there! If you don’t like the side effects of Spiro, I would say just experiment a little bit and see if the other alternatives work for you.

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