Ghosts

“Marley was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that.”

So begins Dickens’ Christmas Carol. I dare say that anyone reading this in English knows the tale. A Republican, I mean Scrooge, is a bitter old miser who is haunted by four ghosts who show him the error of his ways before it is too late.

Anyone who has lived more than a few years has Ghosts. We are haunted. Especially TGs. We all have lost something or someone. Some people have one ghost; others have enough to fill a whole cemetery. Or more. These ghosts haunt us all the days of our lives- sometimes causing tremendous pain; sometimes in the distant background. For example, I have no living grandparents. The last one I knew well died almost thirty years ago. And his death is more a cautionary tale to me, so he is deep in the background.

The Ghosts of our Past shape us. Our lives changed due to their influence, then changed again due to their loss. Scrooge’s past formed him into the bitter soul he became, but not without his own choices compounding things. And so it is with Us. We make choices every day, some very basic; others monumental. I made the decision to transition. The other alternative was suicide. That decision affected so many people, especially my Wife and daughter. Wife is haunted by the Ghost of her husband — of who he was, and who she has become.

How do these Ghosts affect our day to day? It depends upon who they were. As I wrote above, my grandfather teaches me by his example. I try to do the opposite. It’s a cliché to say that we are the sum of our experiences, but it’s true. The decisions we make today are informed by those we made in the past, and by the decisions other made as well. For example, I decided to transition instead of Die. This decision was informed tremendously by the Ghost that torments me daily: my dear Sister Lisa, now dead these two years. I saw how her suicide affected those in her life. I felt the intense pain she inflicted. I didn’t want to inflict that pain on my Daughter.

People are haunted. Sometimes we learn truths from these ghosts. We learn that, in the end, we are Finite. We die. And someday we will be forgotten. Our influence as people is limited to our circles within life. I hope my Daughter will be influenced by my life, and I pray that influence will be positive.

Another truth is simple, and was given words by another Ghost — this one a now defunct musical group:

“The Future’s here. We are It. We are on our own.”

We are on our own. Our ghosts can haunt us all they want, and we can make all the decisions we wish for good or ill. But in the end, we have to live with those decisions, not those who haunt us. Their part in the play is finished, and they don’t regret our decisions — we do. We can decide to be a Positive force on life, or a negative. The Ghost pointed to Scrooge’s uncared-for grave, giving him a chance to see how his decisions affect others and would affect his own future. We as people aren’t usually that fortunate. Some of our decisions hurt others. Because not All ghosts are of the Dead. My transition will haunt my Wife until the end of her life. And I will carry that guilt until the end of mine.

My dear Sister Lisa is dead. I am, as of this writing, not. I can still try to have a positive impact. I can still do my best to shape the world my Daughter will inherit. Her Ghost haunts me daily, as do the ghosts of other dear friends who have made me who I am today.

We are all haunted. But will we all learn from our Ghosts? Can we be, as Lisa once wrote, “the Angels on Earth we are destined to be?”

Be Well.

Tags: decisions, featured, Identity, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion