Double Vision

In 1978, the British-American band Foreigner recorded the song Double Vision, an arena rock staple that eventually reached #2 on the charts. According to lead singer Lou Gramm, its title was inspired by an on-ice injury he witnessed during an NHL game, with the injured player forced to leave the contest after taking a hard hit and suffering this condition as a result. Yet with lyrics like “I’ve been from one to another extreme” and “There’s no disguise for that double vision”, it seems almost tailor-made for TGForum readers.

Hopefully, none of us are dealing with injuries or vision issues. But perhaps we’ve led double lives in our own way at times. (Even the band name is theoretically appropriate, if we occasionally feel like outsiders in the world we inhabit.) The sense of having one foot in both camps — male and female — makes for interesting adventures on occasion, if not always for an orderly life.

For most of my life, I kept a pretty clear line of demarcation between my modes of gender expression, and with very few exceptions, ne’er the twain would meet, as the old saying goes. I zigzagged back and forth between genders, and I became a polarized person. There was no happy medium in my life; whether at school, work, home, etc. the edge was there and palpable. In general, it was manageable. But it certainly was stressful, unsatisfying, expensive — I had to have two of everything — and time consuming. It was also necessary to constantly look over my shoulder, trying to maintain the separation.

I can recall a business trip to downtown Atlanta with four of my colleagues (all male, all in our mid-30s) in the mid-2000s, many years before I was out at my office. One evening after work, we found ourselves dining at the rotating Sun Dial Restaurant atop the Westin Hotel. During the dinner, one of my colleagues noticed an attractive lady sitting near the bar area by herself. He also noticed that something seemed a bit unusual about her, and quietly but jokingly commented to us that he suspected that she was not a genetic female. Immediately we began to assess her and determine whether that was in fact the case.

Within a few seconds, I suddenly deduced that this was so. Her look was all but flawless — she had a nice figure, wore a pretty dress, and her hair and makeup were freshened up for the summer evening. But it wasn’t a physical cue that tipped me off, it was something more subtle; she had a newspaper with her, and she was reading it like a man — i.e. holding it in front of her like an open book, instead of folding it into one page over her knee like a magazine. I kept this observation to myself, and tried not to participate too much in the conversation.

For my part, as one who was beginning to test the waters of public exposure, it was quite an eye opener. First, it showed me that despite a nearly flawless appearance, one unrelated cue gave her away, and it was noticed by my colleague; this taught me the importance of such details. Second, it showed me like nothing else could to be very cautious in how and where I chose to go out, when I did. I took note accordingly, and it was a long time before I dared to take such chances at work. (Full disclosure: The two colleagues from this group who were still fellow employees when I eventually did transition at work have been completely professional and supportive.)

Thankfully, conditions permitted me to transition full-time in 2020. I even was blessed with some ability to lay the groundwork in advance, which proved to be very helpful in the process. One thing that quickly became clear was how much less stress was involved. Once there was no longer a need to worry about maintaining separation between two states of existence, many things about life became more relaxed and content. Many people in my life picked up on that rather quickly. Some have said how much more they enjoy interacting with me now.

Certainly, that does not mean that life became perfect; such a state of affairs in this fallen world is an impossibility. But it does seem to have become much more even, in all the right ways. I did previously spend a lot of time feeling like a foreigner in the world, above and beyond the usual. There was certainly a sense of extra alienation that came with not feeling like I truly belonged anywhere. Most of that has since evaporated. In its place, there is a welcome sense of consistency.

There would appear to be no double vision any longer. A corrective seems to have been applied which has cleared up previously blurry things. Of course, I am still quite nearsighted; that much has not changed. Back when I received my first pair of prescription lenses at the age of six, I was amazed at the fact that I was actually able to see things in proper focus, very possibly for the first time in my life. It was like a dream come true to be able to see both near and far.

Recalling my earlier experience with my colleagues, I no longer worry about being read as transgender. Why would I? People will make plenty of snap assessments about me every day; they might as well have the ability to make the correct ones. It is sad to contemplate that there are people who will not venture outside their home without taking cover behind a mask — literally or figuratively — of some variety or other. As for me, I have been out with an open face everywhere I would expect to go, thankfully without negative results.

I am very grateful to be a person of unity and integrity, in hopefully every meaning of the words. I no longer have a doppelgänger, intentional or otherwise; there is only one of me. (I can already hear some of you saying, “Yeah, and thank heaven for that, lady.”) Double vision no longer “gets the best of me” — single vision is now the rule in life. It’s a welcome relief!

Tags: featured, Transgender, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul