Dawn and Hannah: When the closet doors open!

Once you step out of the closet there is no going back. No matter what you think you can do or have to do. That is what I told Hannah numerous times throughout the first few days. The poor girl really did think that she was only out until her wife came back from out of state. She thought that would be the end of us, the end of what was the most important, life changing, world altering moment in her life. She thought that she would be satisfied with her week of freedom and could live the rest of her life knowing that she at least got to see the world for a moment. That for that blip of time, that after 28 years of confinement to the deepest most inner part of her soul, that after finding the person she had been looking for her whole life, that she would be content knowing that she knew I existed and that she found out for herself that she was a beautiful girl, she thought she would be happy with that time.

She felt bad that I was spending my money on her knowing that she wasn’t going to be able to use the things I bought her after the end of the week. She told me this, and I told her it was fine. I wanted her to know what it felt like to be swept of your feet, how it was to be treated like a lady should be treated, I wanted her to experience the best part of being a girl. I took her out to a casino and I let her gamble my money away. We walked hand in hand, arm in arm, she sat on my lap, there was no one in the world other than the two of us when were together in that time. It was an amazing experience for the both of us. I was in awe at how well she took to doing her makeup, she realized very soon after buying the blond wig and the dark wig that she was indeed not a blond. She was in love with her looks, she was in love with seeing who she really was. She was for the first time in her entire life able to be free.

Watching Hannah was and still is amazing. I love her innocence, the sweetness about her that makes me love her more and want to protect her fiercely.

All of this, and she still believed that in a few days it would all end. But that still didn’t stop her from coming out to her sister. Or to anyone that would take the time to talk to her. She was ready to be free and it worried me that she was tearing through this stage with such ferocity. But I wasn’t going to stop her. I let her do what she felt she needed to do, and I promised I’d be there for her every step of the way. I also knew that by her actions, she was lying to herself about being able to close the doors on Hannah. I told her I supported her in her decisions, that I didn’t agree with her or think it was healthy that she do that. I encouraged her to work things out with her wife. Sanctity of family being the biggest reason she was concerned about being able to be Hannah.

Even as much as I love Hannah and Mannah, if she came to me and said that her and her wife are going to work things out and Hannah was still a viable part of life, I would absolutely tell Hannah to mend their wounds and move forward as a healthy family. That would be an ideal ending to what has been an tumultuous life for Hannah. To that end, the people that she felt closest to, are the people that have shunned her the most. Although that is a huge blow to the ego and heart of Hannah, the overwhelmingly positive response to her is mind blowing and it makes me feel good about the world we live in.

My beautiful girls were first to meet Hannah after myself. They loved her. My boys have accepted her from day one without question, my ex has been amazing about it. She has told a brother; his acceptance was the most important of anyone in her life,he and his sister in law have bonded since she told her, her sister and her cousin are always there to remind her how beautiful she is. As well as a few friends from her military days and still the only people that have reacted negatively are the ones that are closest to home. She didn’t think that anyone in her life would understand, she was concerned about that, I was concerned that she was right and I would have to deal with emotions that could easily overwhelm me. I was concerned that I’d mess up and she would blame me for it all. I was more concerned that as she came out it would be as negative as she thought and I would have Hannah’s suicide on my heart.

There is no hiding the fact that transgender people have a high suicide rate. That after years of hiding and lying to themselves and creating the world around them that they thought would fix it all, that once they are out, they still have so many hurdles to overcome and the need to be out all of a sudden is overshadowed by the guilt of being out. The guilt of having to deal with the fact that by being out, that the lives of everyone one they know is going to be altered. The guilt that being out is being selfish. That finally deciding their happiness matters will cause hurt, confusion and sadness in others. The shame of being different and the isolation that comes from not having peers to commiserate with, it is all so much.

I have been here since Hannah was born. I helped her find her identity, I have helped her from feeling like she is a bad person, a dirty whore who should be treated with disdain and used for other peoples pleasure, to knowing that the ideas she put in her head growing up as Mannah were put there out of shame for existing and were Mannah’s way of repressing her. She didn’t have a healthy idea of who she was because of this and I had to show her that what she thought she deserved wasn’t what she really wanted. Working on her self esteem was and still is so important. Even as Mannah, she was never taught to value herself. She is an amazing person, and she didn’t know it. Her will is strong and she doesn’t give herself enough credit. Her lifelong battles, her career choices, all of it based around making sure that people don’t have to hurt, or go through their painful experiences alone, she used her anguish to save lives, to protect others, and in the end, to make sure that when she dies, she dies with honor. She didn’t want her life to be wasted on dwelling on her life. The drive to save others, my guess, born out of the inability to save herself.

So much happens in our childhood that defines who we are as a adults. Hannah’s childhood was marred with so much pain and trauma that it is no wonder Hannah is so childlike now. She was able to keep her innocence while Mannah had to lose his to protect himself. The life choices Mannah made were not good, his behavior, anything less than becoming of a gentleman. His treatment of women, well, that a of man who was never taught to respect them. He was not a loyal husband, he admittedly had several affairs, and many different girlfriends while married. All of it self destructive behavior that could ruin his life, his career, his marriage. But while he was actively participating in his own demise, he was also looking for the person that would tell him he was okay. The person that would help him to feel the way he wanted to feel.

Again, he didn’t know that what he wanted and what he thought he wanted were not at all the same. Because of the stigma of being gay, or bi, or ultimately just really perverted, he had created a world in his head that punished him for wanting to be a girl. He had basically derived a horrible, degrading, over sexualized idea of what it meant to be a girl and knew that when the time came to be out, that it would ultimately be the end of his life. This again, is where I am going to say that meeting me was the best thing that happened to him. I know that there are people out there that would gladly oblige what he thought was the proper course, and I am angry that Hannah or Mannah ever thought they would ever deserve to be treated that way. I don’t take it lightly when Hannah tells me I saved her life. At first I thought she was being dramatic. But now I know, I was put in Mannah’s path for a reason. I am thankful I was there to catch him when he fell. I am honored that I was the one to be there to help Mannah finally let go. I am blessed to have Hannah in my life.

The longer we are together, the more we have grown, the more I love Hannah, the more I love myself. Through all the sadness and the heartache, confusion and pain, there is much that both of us have gained. What started our adventures with forays into sex shops and gay bars to get settled into being out as Hannah, has turned into shopping trips out by herself. Going to the grocery store, shoe shopping and realizing when the time comes, that she doesn’t want big boobs. As her hair grows out she still wears the wig I bought at the beginning, although we’ve changed the style. She has been through several laser treatments for her facial hair, and has been on hormones for two months.

At the beginning of her hormone therapy there was concern that sexually she would become useless. We researched what would happen and it seemed to say that her penis would become null and that basically sex would be non existent. I made sure she was okay with losing that part of her life, and although it bothered her, she was at peace with it. I, on the other hand, figured I would just have to be a bit more imaginative because I wasn’t going to let her resign to that fate without trying. Ultimately after getting through a mental barrier, not much has changed from prior to hormone therapy, in that regard other than we have more fun. Our intimate life is very exciting, and we enjoy it greatly. From role playing to gender bending, we rock the socks off of each other and quite regularly compliment each other on being the most awesome couple in the world.

It’s been a little over 8 months. So much has changed, so many emotions and hurts have been dealt with. Teaching her how to open up and communicate, learning how to communicate more effectively, we both grow from being in each others lives. She lives with me now. That has only made our bond grow more. She literally makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and I am so comfortable in my skin around her. She knows more about who I am as a person than any other person on the planet. Although I feel like a total jerk for even having any insecurities in comparison to what she has had to deal with her entire life, she is good with dealing with me.

I still think that it is important for people to see and hear about the other side of being in a relationship with a person who is transgender and transitioning. People have questions that need to be addressed, there is curiosity and of course prejudice. But ultimately the only way to break down the walls of misconception is to be open and honest about it. So when people ask questions, I answer. So when people ask her questions she answers. It truly isn’t anyone’s business what people do with their bodies or how they live their lives, but the only way to make it normal for people is to be open and honest and to discuss the things that leave us confused and with questions.

It is confusing for people to hear that she is a woman but that she wants to keep her penis. There is a misconception that all transgender people have an issue with their genitals. They don’t. There are so many risks associated with sex reassignment surgery that the risks don’t outweigh the gain for many. The ignorance that people govern their lives by can easily be wiped out by a little research. The idea that someone has to mutilate their body and most likely lose their ability to have sexual gratification to placate the ignorance of people who chose to remain close minded is barbaric. Keeping transgender people separated from their peers out of fear of sexual perversion is perverse in itself and again is born out of ignorance to the facts.

When I am asked about it, I tell people that yes, she is keeping her penis, that yes, she is still a woman, even if she has a little extra between. That I’d much rather have her be happy and healthy in mind and body than have to go through the trauma of surgery and the real aspect of having a collapsing vulva and having to use tools to keep that from happening. And of course the loss of orgasm. Were are in a time where feminism is making a positive step towards universal acceptance of women being able to be themselves, love themselves for their true beauty and the mark they leave on the world, too not be judged by the skin we’re in but loved for it. Being a transgender woman shouldn’t mean sacrificing her body , her self esteem, her right to sexual freedom, so that she can be seen as a woman. She is a woman like the rest of us. Beautiful for who she is and amazing for what she has to offer the world.

Tags: featured, Identity, Transgender, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul