I support you, but . . . .

| Sep 14, 2015
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I’ve been out a few years now and enjoying my life in so many new and wonderful ways. I wish I hadn’t waited until I was in my late 50s to begin this journey to live honestly. So many people know about me that I haven’t had to tell my story in such a long time. It’s nice to just be me and no need to explain myself. However, (and you knew there’d be one) I am finding some people who are near and dear to me, are now more up front about what they really think about having a trans* person in their life.

We support you, but _________ (fill in the blank) doesn’t want to see it!

I know couples that said in the beginning, they both support me and what I’m doing and how happy they are that I’m happy. However, it now gets mentioned by one member of the couple that the other person “really is in my corner, but he/she doesn’t want to look at me as I am”. It would make them uncomfortable to see me in a dress. I guess it’s the “out of my sight, I don’t mind you” approach to being a supporter. Don’t they realize how fabulous I look?

I’m with you 100%, but don’t tell ______________ (fill in the blank.)

I have heard on rare  occasions that one person is 100% in my camp, but they ask me not to tell “old what’s their name.” These good hearted folks, knowing how the other people feel about the subject, don’t want to embarrass me and, I’m sure, also don’t want to be the one to hear about all of the reasons I may be less than acceptable in polite society. I can see the ally’s point and sympathize, sorta.

Don’t say a word to ___________ (fill in the blank), they are too old and won’t understand.

This one I understand. I wouldn’t want to try and explain this to my grandmother, she just wouldn’t have understood. My mom saw a picture of me before she passed and thought I was very pretty. I also think my dad would have been there for me. I’ll never know for sure, but in my heart, I know. So, if you don’t want to tell your dear 99-year-old Aunt Fannie I’m trans, then that’s okay.

Can’t you let them get to know the ‘old’ you first?

This request usually comes with the added comment that they can meet the ‘real’ you, the one before you changed. In some cases, that’s just impossible. In other cases, it can be pulled off, with a lot of work and some imagination. The thought someone will like me more if they see how I looked before just doesn’t seem possible. Why should I start out meeting someone by telling them a lie? Doesn’t that also make me suspect the person asking may not be such a supporter after all.

I support you, but . . .

Do I get this? In some cases I do. The 89 year old mom who grew up in the depression and a world war may not understand how this trans* thing really works. I’ve met people who fall in that age group who do understand and fully accept me. The other examples, I understand much less. One, I don’t want to lie to anyone, especially myself. I’m Cate, get over it. The second bears asking, “How do you know you don’t want to meet me? You may like me.” Aren’t they judging us all without knowing any of us? Maybe by meeting the honest me, especially after knowing me “before”, they may gain a little understanding. I’m sure in a lot of cases, I’ll be the only trans* person they may ever know. Am I going to change any minds? I hope so. I’m warning all you out there. Be careful, you may find I’m a pretty likable woman.

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion


About the Author ()

I am Cate, a mature transgender woman. I am a writer, blogger, parent, grandparent, sailor, activist and happy. I am a widow, and live with my yorkiepoo, Belle. I love music, reading, cooking, outdoors, DIY, theater, antiquing and flea markets, home brewing, and seeing what is around the bend in the road or over the horizon. I own the MatureTransgender.com website. It is an outreach, support and resource for mature trans* people and especially for those who, like me, came out after fifty.

Comments (1)

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  1. JosyC JosyC says:

    Terrific! Thank you.