Crossdresser’s Partners Speak — Now What?
The ‘cat’ is out of the bag. A wife just found out that she has been lied to, betrayed and deceived by her crossdressing husband, who chose not to disclose his life long condition. He misrepresented himself and the marriage for over a decade. The hand grenade has gone off and your marriage is in pieces. She is devastated. Now what?
Well unfortunately this scenario is too familiar to many CDW — especially the overwhelming majority who had no clue they were marrying a CD. But now that she knows, how do you proceed with the marriage? Some marriages will not survive, some will. What steps can you take to save your marriage?
Step one, acknowledge what you did and do not minimize it. Many CDW become furious (salt on a wound) when they hear their CDH saying, “It is just clothes. I don’t beat you or abuse you — so it is no big deal. I am not hurting anyone.”
If this is your planned approach, please think it through. If you act like her feelings mean nothing and are unfounded, you will most likely make things worse. By validating what she is telling you, she is more likely to disclose her emotions. Do not criticize her for how she feels. Listen. Validate. If you brush over the lies she is unlikely to believe anything you have to say. Know that your response to her reaction can dictate the trajectory of your marriage. A good way to start is to say; “I am sorry and should have told you the truth before we married.” And then you can perhaps tell her you love her and want to save the marriage and you are willing to go to therapy (alone and or couples counseling). This is often a gigantic problem because most CDW and CDH do not seek out counseling. Most CDW, along with many CDH, do not understand this murky, thorny, taboo subculture of crossdressing. Therapy can help — even if the marriage is over, both parties could use assistance getting through the process of divorce.
Step two — listen to her. Let her tell you exactly how she feels about you and crossdressing. Let her tell you what her boundaries are. Maybe she can ‘live with it’ if you never dress up in front of her, or possibly you can take one night a month and do your thing at a cheap hotel. You should explain about how CD makes you feel, since so much of it is sexually motivated.
It is significant to note that majority of CDW report not accepting and being uncomfortable with their CDH condition. Whereas some CDW accept it but normally not without with clear-cut boundaries. A large number of CDW report a loss of intimacy and also say that their CDH are less attractive to them. Obviously, since most CDW were betrayed at the altar forcing her to see you ‘dressed up’ or even to suggest having sex is not advised — unless she wants to engage. Otherwise, do not dress up around her, follow her boundaries, show her love and respect.
This is not a time for a CDH to be making any demands on a CDW. In fact, it is time to focus on her needs and desires, now that your condition has turned your marriage upside down. Humpty Dumpty (your marriage) is likely to be in pieces and it is up to you to try rebuilding the trust that is gone. Begin and end with the truth, piece by piece.
Blessings to all,
Dee A. Levy, MA
Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion
About the Author (Author Profile)
Dee A. Levy is the former spouse of a crossdresser. She has a BA in Women Studies and MA in Social Sciences and Comparative Education. She is the author of The Cross Dresser's Wife -- Our Secret Lives, available at Amazon.com, Kindle, Barnes and Noble, & www.crossdresserswives.com.Subscribe
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