Crossdresser’s Partners Speak — Now What?
The ‘cat’ is out of the bag. A wife just found out that she has been lied to, betrayed and deceived by her crossdressing husband, who chose not to disclose his life long condition. He misrepresented himself and the marriage for over a decade. The hand grenade has gone off and your marriage is in pieces. She is devastated. Now what?
Well unfortunately this scenario is too familiar to many CDW — especially the overwhelming majority who had no clue they were marrying a CD. But now that she knows, how do you proceed with the marriage? Some marriages will not survive, some will. What steps can you take to save your marriage?
Step one, acknowledge what you did and do not minimize it. Many CDW become furious (salt on a wound) when they hear their CDH saying, “It is just clothes. I don’t beat you or abuse you — so it is no big deal. I am not hurting anyone.”
If this is your planned approach, please think it through. If you act like her feelings mean nothing and are unfounded, you will most likely make things worse. By validating what she is telling you, she is more likely to disclose her emotions. Do not criticize her for how she feels. Listen. Validate. If you brush over the lies she is unlikely to believe anything you have to say. Know that your response to her reaction can dictate the trajectory of your marriage. A good way to start is to say; “I am sorry and should have told you the truth before we married.” And then you can perhaps tell her you love her and want to save the marriage and you are willing to go to therapy (alone and or couples counseling). This is often a gigantic problem because most CDW and CDH do not seek out counseling. Most CDW, along with many CDH, do not understand this murky, thorny, taboo subculture of crossdressing. Therapy can help — even if the marriage is over, both parties could use assistance getting through the process of divorce.
Step two — listen to her. Let her tell you exactly how she feels about you and crossdressing. Let her tell you what her boundaries are. Maybe she can ‘live with it’ if you never dress up in front of her, or possibly you can take one night a month and do your thing at a cheap hotel. You should explain about how CD makes you feel, since so much of it is sexually motivated.
It is significant to note that majority of CDW report not accepting and being uncomfortable with their CDH condition. Whereas some CDW accept it but normally not without with clear-cut boundaries. A large number of CDW report a loss of intimacy and also say that their CDH are less attractive to them. Obviously, since most CDW were betrayed at the altar forcing her to see you ‘dressed up’ or even to suggest having sex is not advised — unless she wants to engage. Otherwise, do not dress up around her, follow her boundaries, show her love and respect.
This is not a time for a CDH to be making any demands on a CDW. In fact, it is time to focus on her needs and desires, now that your condition has turned your marriage upside down. Humpty Dumpty (your marriage) is likely to be in pieces and it is up to you to try rebuilding the trust that is gone. Begin and end with the truth, piece by piece.
Blessings to all,
Dee A. Levy, MA
Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion
About the Author (Author Profile)
Dee A. Levy is the former spouse of a crossdresser. She has a BA in Women Studies and MA in Social Sciences and Comparative Education. She is the author of The Cross Dresser's Wife -- Our Secret Lives, available at Amazon.com, Kindle, Barnes and Noble, & www.crossdresserswives.com.Subscribe
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I value Dee’s column as I need to know what my wife may be thinking.
As i just came out to my wife (who is NOT Dee, btw), I just went through what she describes. Fortunately, I had the guidance of my therapist and close friends. And i did it pretty much exactly how Dee recommends.
Know what? Dee is absolutely right. Listening was the key. And I’m still married because of it.
(BTW- I wrote about coming out to my wife in my column here on TG Forum last month. *shameless plug*)
Dee is spot on here. It is NOT just about the clothes. Open communication is important, and counseling is a great tool to help navigate the minefield, and yes, it is a minefield.
Wives often feel numerous emotions and often ask themselves if they are ‘woman’ enough. They wonder if we have thought about transition (and nearly all of us have entertained the thought). They wonder about our orientation. They wonder what others will think. They wonder and wonder and wonder what it all means, and then they wonder why you didn’t say anything sooner.
It takes courage to tell our partners, and like Dee says, don’t minimize or trivialize your partner’s concerns. YOU dropped the bomb, not her. Even if she is ‘accepting,’ you still have to express yourself, and she is going to now want to know where you will dress up, with whom and what exactly you plan on doing en femme. What about the kids? Are they still in elementary school or are they all grown up?
Also, who on earth is your wife going to confide in without significantly risking her own friendships? Crossgender behavior and transgenderism is a topic shrouded in myth, clouded in shame and filled with misconceptions. THIS is why counseling is helpful. Finding a nonjudgmental platform to discuss this serious topic is absolutely necessary.
Lastly, approaching crossdressing like it is a hobby is like saying being gay is a hobby. It is part of who we are and an expression of internal feelings. Crossdressing is not a hobby. It is many, many things and manifests itself in many, many ways. But it is NOT a hobby and you risk a lot if you treat it like one.
Finding healthy ways of exploring one’s own identity while preserving the marriage or partnership is NOT easy, and like Dee says, for many reasons, some of the relationships cannot survive this blow.
Dee’s former husband introduced her to crossdressing in what I would call one of the most immature ways possible. DON’T pull the ‘I’ve got something to show you’ line and come out dressed up (fully or partially) and expect her to clap her hands in appreciation! DON’T show her pictures right away! There is no easy way to do it, but there is a right way, and that is by having a serious discussion. Having done that, expect a flood of questions…..