Costumes

It’s Halloween!

For so many of us, that means it’s the only time of the year we can express our True Selves in public. It’s our “High Holy Day”– our “Holy Day of Obligation.” Some people look forward to this day all year.

I know I did. The idea of escaping the Pain of who I was, if only for one night, was all I could think about every year. Year after year.

Most of my readers are familiar with my story: Halloween 2007, my Wife and I went to a party dressed as Lois and Clark. She had just given birth a few days before, so we didn’t stay long. She wore a suit. I wore a white collared shirt unbuttoned half way, a Superman t-shirt, had my hair in an S curl, and of course, my glasses. We had fun, but it was an early night, as we had Daughter with us. The party was pretty much all the women doting, oohing and ahhhing at the baby.

A week before Halloween 2008, Wife and I are out to dinner for her birthday. We start discussing Halloween costumes. She suggests that we do Lois and Clark again. I’m cold on the idea, as I hate repeating a costume. She then suggests that this year I go as Lois and she goes as Clark. Before I could reply, the food came. I spent the rest of the night pondering. Could I do this? Has my girl side been completely squelched? I decided to do it. After all, what was the worst that could happen?

Halloween night, after a week of frenzied preparation (and the help of my friend Elizabeth), I was ready. Wife was disgusted. I reminded her of her costume idea. She dressed and we went to a party. There, my friend Dawn did my makeup. Wife left early, then I went to the Bookstore. I surprised many people. Then several of us went out, and had a blast.

On my way home, I realized how comfortable I was in a skirt — how much I’d missed it. How I needed it. The dam burst, and my feminine side came rushing back.

And now, eight years later, I’m living my Truth. Wife and I are separated. I am at peace. For what it’s worth.

But that brings up the clichéd question: Was my male self the costume? Was it a Mask to hide my truth?

And by extension — what about all of the people who hide their Truth all year for this one chance to publicly express it? Which self is the costume, really?

In my case, the Male shell WAS a mask — a costume — a role I played. It was the role I was expected to play. After all, I had a penis, so I was supposed to be a Man. For me that meant swallowing all emotion, drinking too much, and fighting. It meant Pain.

I can’t say that I was good at the role of a guy. But I found out I can be a great liar. I lied to my Wife about it for years. Eventually the Pain and Weight of the Lies became too much, and I told her.

Now I’m out on my own these three years (thrown out by my Mother-in-law.) I’m living my Truth. But do I still wear Costumes? Yes. I’m still learning Who I really am. What it means to be Sophie.

I’m Fifty years old, but in many ways I’m still just a child. Still learning and making her way in a Big, Dark world.

And what child doesn’t LOVE Halloween?

Be Well.

Tags: featured, halloween, Identity, Transgender, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul