Ask Amanita, “Was I a man?”

Dear Amanita, 

When I hear other trans women talk and write about their past, I often wonder: Did I used to be a boy or have I always been a girl? I have only found out that I’m a woman five years ago. Does this mean, I used to be a man? Or have I been a woman and just didn’t know it?

Emily

Dear Emily,

Thank you for your question.

Of course, I am not able to tell you who you are and who you have been. I can only tell you that it is fine and common and valid either way and it is a common question.

Many of my clients use the expression “when I was a boy/man” or they use “male to female (mtf)” when they describe their transition. I then usually ask a few questions. In particular, I ask whether they really feel they have been a boy/man before they came out or whether they use these expressions because this is what they have been told they were. Sometimes this is very difficult to tell. I also ask which expressions and way of looking at their gender in retrospect makes them feel most comfortable. Is it internalized cis-focused thinking about bodies that leads us to use these expressions? Or does it describe how you actually felt at that time?

I noticed that the time that they might describe when they use these expressions varies. 

1. Some consider no time in their life to be male. They have always known they were female and call themselves girl/woman in all times of their lives.

2. Some didn’t know early in life, but now they know that they have been female from birth.

3. Some say they used to be boys/men before they found out or before they came out and started presenting female.

4. Some say they used to be boys/men before they started hormones.

5. Some use surgeries as a decider and call before “male” and after “female.” Sometimes they also use “fully female” to describe themselves now.

When I work with journalists, I tell them not to assume and not to assign. When journalists talk about a trans woman and write “When she was still a man. . .” or when people say “I used to know her when she was still a ‘he,’ I cringe. I often doubt that the person that they talk about would be comfortable with these expressions. In my view, your gender is truly independent from the looks of your anatomy.

Despite society telling you that it wasn’t possible, you managed to find your female core – you found your true gender. Therefore you are female. And females can come in all sorts of shapes, with all types of genitals and all types of hormones running through their bodies, with or without facial hair, with or without breasts. But it certainly is a challenge to feel feminine when society only shows you one type of body as a “female body.” And it certainly is a challenge to find out you’re not the gender that was assigned to you at birth. So, good on you for finding out nevertheless!

No person can prescribe or define another person’s gender. I cannot tell you if you have been a boy ever in your life. I cannot tell you that you were or that you were not. I can only tell you that it is fine either way and that you can use whichever language you are comfortable with as long as you speak for your own perception of your own gender and keep in mind that if you use expressions like “fully female,” you indirectly say that others aren’t fully female yet. I know that it is difficult to hear that another woman might have a different narrative – it might feel invalidating. Nevertheless, all our stories and journeys are unique and only you know who you are and who you were. If you tell me who you are, I will believe you. And I think that is the main point.

It might be that you are (still) in a situation when you feel male in some situations and female in others. You might be non-binary or gender-fluid. Just as valid. The way I find out with my clients whether they are gender-fluid or whether they change from one gender-presentation to another is to guide them deep into their feelings, comforts and the obligations they perceive. We talk about situations in which they feel more male or more female and I ask what that means and what makes them feel good. Which are the situations in which you perform gender to please someone else? How would you feel if you were the only person in the world and you hadn’t grown up with anybody telling you who you are and how to behave?

On some days, we all might feel less feminine. For me, personally that is when I’m sad or sick or very focused on something and I forget gender. As a cis woman, I don’t get confused in these moments, but I understand that for many who are trans these moments can feel like a threat. The sentence that I hope will sink in for all of us is that it’s all okay. It’s okay not to be sure and to be sure. It’s okay to be. And it is okay for you to choose the language that seems most suitable for who you are and who you were. Because it is your truth and no one else can know it.

Amanita is featured on the Being LGBTQ-podcast with Sam Wise this month.

If you have a question for Amanita contact her via email.

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Tags: featured, Identity, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul