Answers to Old Questions
“Questions” Originally Posted 08/02/10
I was out Saturday night.
As I was driving from Amanda’s to the motel, I started asking questions of myself. Let’s face it- I was dressed head to toe as a woman- that WILL spur thought and some soul searching!
When did I become comfortable wearing a skirt? Like second nature comfortable?
When did I stop being fascinated by looking down and seeing I have breasts (when dressed) and see it as perfectly normal??
When did Sophie become critical to my life?
When did “oh my God I’m out in public dressed as a woman!” become “Ok, I’m dressed- where can I go that’s safe-ish?”
When did I suddenly own more heels than guy shoes?
When did losing weight become a “dress size” thing instead of a “health” thing?
When did lying to my wife about my whereabouts become so much easier? (but still hurt just as much.)
Why do I want to keep doing this so badly?
Last week I posted the list of questions above, which I’d first posted twelve years ago on my original MySpace blog. I remember posting them while in what I call a “Pink Hangover”, which is the feeling after being yourself for a while, then having to revert to male mode. In August 2010, I was two years back from my 25 years of denying my Truth. I was in turmoil, as my feminine side was growing and becoming more confident, and I didn’t really try to stop it. I really didn’t know how I could.
What was tearing me apart was the fact that I hadn’t told my wife about any of it. I was lying to her about my monthly activities (as I only went out once a month for Renaissance and Angela’s Laptop Lounge.) She thought I was out playing D&D. I used to say “I was out with the guys, but I never told her how the guys were dressed.” Cue rimshot. Everybody laughs. I hate lies. Cannot stand them. And here I was lying to the person to whom I’d pledged to “love, honor, and cherish.”
In fact, my original brief for my columns was about concealing your activities from the people in your life. Learn to lie with Sophie. Yay me. Eventually, I could no longer live with myself lying, and told my wife. But these are old stories, which I’ve detailed in my columns here and as it happened in my blog. Yes, I still have a blog. Don’t judge. So I’ll answer my own questions with the knowledge that I’ve gained in twelve long years.
As I was driving from Amanda’s to the motel, I started asking questions of myself. Let’s face it- I was dressed head to toe as a woman- that WILL spur thought and some soul searching!
Not really a question, but my attitude on this has changed. Yes, masculinity is self-policing, but in the end, they’re only clothes. I’d love to say clothes don’t matter, but as a child of the ’80s, when the name you wore on your jeans was crucial (I wore Levis), I know how people judge others by their clothes- especially many women.
When did I become comfortable wearing a skirt? Like second nature comfortable?
Simple- decades before when I dressed as an early teen. I’d just denied that particular Truth.
When did I stop being fascinated by looking down and seeing I have breasts (when dressed) and see it as perfectly normal??
That hasn’t changed- but now it isn’t a bra filled with silicone breast forms. Yes, breasts are normal for me now, and have been for almost a decade since starting HRT. I still enjoy looking down and seeing them there- they’re my prize for the experiences I’ve endured.
When did Sophie become critical to my life?
I knew then but didn’t admit it: Sophie IS my life because I am Sophie. Without Sophie, I’d no longer be alive. Of this I am certain.
When did “oh my God I’m out in public dressed as a woman!” become “Ok, I’m dressed- where can I go that’s safe-ish?”
I’ve written elsewhere that I Miss the thrill of those days. It was the thrill of doing something that I KNOW society disapproves of- breaking gender norms. This was punishable by being beaten, or by losing my career, marriage, family, friends, and being labeled as a deviant. With the exception of the physical beating, all of those things did eventually happen. I’m still careful about where I go, as there are many places that are dangerous for transgender women, and the number of those places are growing with time, due to our being demonized by the GQP.
When did I suddenly own more heels than guy shoes?
That was by the end of 2009, I think. I only ever owned maybe two pairs of shoes and one pair of sneakers at the most before transition.
When did losing weight become a “dress size” thing instead of a “health” thing?
It still is, and I’ve gained a lot of weight these past few years due to inactivity and, yes, HRT. My bad knees and arthritis aren’t helping any exercise regimen. Nor does depression.
When did lying to my wife about my whereabouts become so much easier? (but still hurt just as much.)
The simple answer was: Practice, practice, practice. I felt I had to do it, so I became more accomplished due to necessity. I still very much regret lying like that. Among many other things.
Why do I want to keep doing this so badly?
As I said above, it’s because “this” was the Truth I’d denied for all my life. I HAD to keep dressing, and, consequently, growing, learning, and exploring this life. I’ve made so many amazing friends on this journey, and lost too many to death and distance. I’ll never make up for the Pain I’ve caused my Wife, or for the many years of pain I caused myself. I just have to keep going and do my best with what time I have left.
Be well.
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