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Sophie Lynne | Mar 28, 2016

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Last Friday, March 25, 2016, I marked two years Full time as my True Self. Where does the time go?

It really seems like yesterday that I hit “Post” on the facialbook letter I wrote “outing” myself to the world. It seems like yesterday that I woke up and knew that my boy self was gone forever.

Since then, the following has happened:
-I have changed my driver’s license gender marker to F.
-I have started the long process of changing my name.
-I have worked as a Woman at my job.
-I have donated all of my “guy” clothes to a veteran’s charity.

Since then the following has also happened:
-I have been harassed at work.
-I have been threatened online.
-I’ve received harassing phone calls
-I lost almost all of “his” friends.
-I’ve been “dead named” and misgendered at least every other day.
-I still can’t find a job that pays above poverty wage.

A dear friend, Kimberly Huddle, asked the following: “And looking back on it all, would you do it the same?”

A very good question, Kim!

The answer is…

Well, let’s look back on it all. I came out via Facialbook to the mass populace. To closer people, I had a video I sent them (actually two different ones — depending upon how close I was to the person.) I then went off to the Keystone Conference in Harrisburg, Pa. for a week. During that time, I fielded emails, Facialbook messages, and the occasional phone call. Then, the following week, I came back and… HERE I AM! Deal with it!

I haven’t looked back since.

March 31, 2014 was my first day of work as Sophie. Yes, Transgender Day of Visibility. And many customers were confused. Some still are. But I didn’t do this for them.

First Day of Work as Sophie

I have some family members who haven’t accepted me yet. I didn’t do this for them either.

I lost so many friends. But this was not their battle to fight.

So the answer is…

Y’know another thought is about my daughter. She seems to have accepted me fully. She chooses to continue to call me “daddy,” and that’s fine. Some people would dispute this decision, saying its “misgendering” and “disrespectful.” And I say, she’s my daughter, and she has to deal with it as an eight year old. And if she wants to call me “daddy” that’s one of her ways of dealing with it. I have bigger fights vis a vis her care and upbringing.

And my marriage? It’ll be 23 years this April. 25 years that we’ve been together. But we’ve been separated for two and a half years. We won’t ever be a couple again. Wife is a strong supporter, and we still love each other, but she doesn’t wish to be married to a woman.

So the answer is…

Well, I gained SO many friends since then. So many people who know the TRUE me, not the lie I perpetuated to everyone including myself. Some of these people are closer to me than blood. I would die for them. And without them, I would’ve died long ago.

The Darkness. I write about it often. For those who don’t read my blog, that’s my name for suicidal depression. I fight it every day. It has claimed one of my dearest friends. It claims so many of my brothers and sisters. Was it worse before transition? Yes. As was my self-hatred. And my zero self-esteem.

So, the answer is…

No.

I wouldn’t do it the same way. There are things I would do differently. I would love to have known then what I know now. I would’ve had a LOT less Fear. And a lot less sleepless nights.

But, I would still have done it.

Sophie Now

You are reading these words because I transitioned. If I hadn’t, I’d surely be dead by now. I am much more Alive as a Woman. I no longer look in a mirror and see a Lie.

Am I perfect? Am I everything I’ve always wanted to be? No. I want to have GCS to make me a whole woman, but I can’t afford it. And there’s weight to be lost. And FFS would be Wonderful.

But I’m Alive. And I’m female.

We live now in dangerous times. The right wing is doing their best to legally eradicate us. They are winning. Some states are even thinking of putting bounties on the heads of people like me and mine. That’s not even discussing the GOP candidates who would make our country into either a fascist state or a theocracy (take your pick.) Yes. These are indeed the times that try men’s souls, Mr. Paine. And women’s as well.

But even with that, I still stand proud. And I’m still glad I transitioned. I had no other choice.