Would you really want this fairytale for your daughter?
Anytime this hard core humanist/feminist sees examples of the pornification of women, I wish I could ask these sleazy, sexual pigs . . . since you find pleasure in porn, strip clubs and disrespecting women — how would you like your daughter to grow up and become a prostitute or porn star? Everything is fine — until it’s their daughter. Suddenly things are different. It is okay for every other man’s daughter to be apart of misogyny and sexual exploitation but not their daughters. Every stripper, porn star has/had a mother, father, she is someone’s child and if she is yours then most likely you would never want to see her end up naked in a sleazy strip club with slimy men, who are treating your precious daughter like a sex slave or object. That is not what fathers dream for their daughters.
What does this have to do with male to female crossdressers — who just happens to have daughters? Since too many cross dressers do not comprehend or accept what they have done to their wives and way too many minimalize her pain — maybe if they could see it through their daughters eyes — it might help to awaken their consciousness and open their eyes.
Let’s pretend. Go for an Oscar performance (you are NOT a crossdresser) and you lived long enough to walk your daughter down the aisle. This is the day she and you have longed for. She is marrying the love of her life. Everything is like a dream. Your daddy’s little girl is so happy — until one day you notice, something is wrong. You ask her what’s troubling her? She never tells you about her living nightmare. She’s been married now for 10 years, 2 kids and over the years you know she is not okay. She is seeing a therapist, drinking and depressed. You inquire again but still she can’t tell you — until she has a breakdown. Her children recognize the sadness in their mom but she is the lioness, trying to protect her young. They will not find out what is ripping her heart out. She tries to do the daily chores, work, clean, shop, etc. but she is not okay. You wonder, is she ill? Is her husband cheating? What happened to my daughter? She used to open up to me . . . why can’t she tell me what’s wrong? Why is she so sad and quiet?
It ends up when you learn your son-in-law never disclosed about his life long condition of being a crossdresser. He decided it was time to come out — and your daughter was just gonna have to accept it. He broke her heart — lied to her, betrayed her — at the altar — she is devastated. Where can she go for help? She hates her husband crossdressing. She did not sign up for this. There is no more intimacy in her marriage and the last thing she wants is to be intimate with the stranger she married. As her father — her FIRST protector — what would you do? Tell her — it’s no big deal — it’s just clothes? Or would you be moving her out with your grandchildren, calling the divorce attorney and supporting her needs? She is clear — no way does she want the life of a crossdresser’s wife.
My dad, god bless his liberal soul, upon finding out what really happened to my 20 year marriage — one that was full of lies, kept saying, “Why didn’t you tell me? I could have gotten you and your child out.” He was devastated and cried with me. My family, as we knew it, was gone due to my ex husband’s choice to lie . . . over and over and over. Of course, my father — despite his love for my ex — wanted to kill him! My ex took away not only my joy — but also that of my family’s gatherings etc. All because he chose to lie. The lies shattered our family. And my adult child ain’t happy either. He thinks his father is a freak and the rest of my family is pretty much in agreement.
It might be hard for some of you to comprehend what I am desperately trying to expose. I suppose for those of you who are fathers — this was hard to read. Good. We are making headway.
So, is your daughter a selfish bitch because she does not understand her crossdressing husband? Is she selfish because she does not want to sleep next to someone who is in lingerie? Is she a horrible wife because she refuses to engage in sex acts when all she sees in her head is her CD husband dressed up like women? Is she a prostitute because she stayed with her CD husband until her children grow up? She feels like she is a lesbian. Do you understand what just happened to your little girl? If she gets divorced is it her fault that the marriage vows were broken? Is it okay that her CD husband ignores your daughter’s wishes — not to mention boundaries? Do you understand many daughters (and wives) are being emotionally and mentally abused?
I hope that some of you are having an AH HA moment!
KEEP THIS IN THE FOREFRONT OF YOUR MINDS. Your wife is somebody’s daughter too . . .
Blessings,
Dee A Levy
The Cross Dressers Wife *Our Secret Lives
Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion
About the Author (Author Profile)
Dee A. Levy is the former spouse of a crossdresser. She has a BA in Women Studies and MA in Social Sciences and Comparative Education. She is the author of The Cross Dresser's Wife -- Our Secret Lives, available at Amazon.com, Kindle, Barnes and Noble, & www.crossdresserswives.com.Subscribe
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Actually I wasn’t promoting dishonesty with newly-weds today and certainly because there are now answers and visibility. What I commented on were several situations that I am aware of with 50+ CDs where the wives are totally closed to hearing anything evenwhen the situation was disclosed many years ago. Dee paints too much a black and white situation for my comfort and whereas I know she has ample examples to demonstrate her point of view, it doesn’t represent most of the CDs that I know.
“As for telling your fiancee that you like lingerie when it is the farest thing from your mind when courting” … Like lingerie? Don’t most men like lingerie? I thought the issue here was whether they like wearing it. And yes, it IS kind-of important to fess-up when you know full-well that a crossdressing urge isn’t going to go away, and that it may actually become stronger as time goes on. If anything’s naive, it’s believing that you’ll be able to hide it for the next half-century or more.
“For some lingerie on the guy can be a turn-on but for others it’s a total turn-off”. I thought I said that?
“I went for over 40 years before I even recognized the true nature of my feelings but Dee would damn me for that.” Actually, I doubt she would; I certainly wouldn’t. You can only admit to what you know at any given time. In the days – a mere couple of decades ago – when accurate information about crossdressing was almost impossible to come by, most of us thought we could get away with hiding what we are. I’d be a hypocrite if I condemned people for that. So we have a legacy of problems that only time will be able to work through.
But in the middle of the current information revolution, there’s absolutely no excuse for perpetuating what we know to be bad advice. So I’m not laying into you for what you’ve done in the past, but for promoting the view to newly-weds of the future (which I may assume form part of your readership?) that one should enter into a life-long relationship hiding something as potentially damaging as the urge to crossdress.
I understood her comments just fine as I understand that for some women, any hint of non-masculinity is a deal-breaker. Perhaps you should go reread her comments. As for telling your fiancee that you like lingerie when it is the farest thing from your mind when courting, well I wouldn’t tell her that I made love to other women either or that I masturabe every night. Don’t be naive. Everyone keeps secrets – them too.
Now if I dressed regularly, sure I should tell or if I felt like a girl, yes, she should know, but that’s a far cry from some of the closet CDs that are barely that. It’s my understanding though that Dee’s ex was a total wanker (I know you know that expression) so she probably has reason for her feelings. I object to the black and white morality and the impression that all CDs don’t take care of their families when it’s far from the truth.
And who’s being obvivious Graham. For some lingerie on the guy can be a turn-on but for others it’s a total turn-off
Hell no, I’m not ashamed. I went for over 40 years before I even recognized the true nature of my feelings but Dee would damn me for that. And my case in point is a dear friend that did tell his wife before marriage, but it got pushed under the carpet and now that dear friend, after many years, dresses regularly. But if she was to tell her wife now, there is no doubt the marriage would be dissolved. Actually she made some pointed hints and the wife became intentionally obivious.
I see no contradictions here, Tasi.
There’s no reason why lingerie for either or both parties can’t form part of bedroom play. It’s no different from handcuffs, domination, or using sex toys. Some couples like these sorts of things while others don’t, so any such activity has to be introduced by agreement. You wouldn’t suddenly force restraint onto your partner – so why would you want to force your desire to prance around in her underwear into a situation where it might make her feel uncomfortable?
The fact that you haven’t understood Dee’s comments about women not wanting to sleep next to a man in lingerie suggests that you’ve missed the theme of this entire thread. If you’re in the position where you already have a wife who feels this way, you’ve clearly made a major error of judgement somewhere along the line! We’re discussing why you should disclose lingerie fetishes et al BEFORE you get to the point where you have a wife to consider … not how best to save your skin when you knowingly get into that situation through your own stupidity and selfishness. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that your comments are off-topic in this instance. So you really shouldn’t be asking “at what point does this fetish go from a harmless pastime done infrequently to something that is marriage threatening?” – but since you are, the answer is at the precise moment you say ‘I do'” … because that’s when your problem becomes hers.
And as for your comment “better to keep the secret than risk the marriage” … I shudder to think how much damage you’re doing if you regularly defend or promote this sort of dishonest and deceitful behaviour in your other publications. You really should be ashamed of yourself.
Let’s shed some light on some questions that are being talked around. Dee claims she is not against crossdfressing per se, just that’s it’s not disclosed before marriage. Yet her last paragraph disclaims that premise…doesn’t want to sleep next to a man that wears lingerie….and so on. Of course these are honest feelings and many wives feel this way. She doesn’t like crossdressing or at least “not her husband” so it’s not just about disclosure.
You want a reason why why men don’t disclose the facts – there it is. And Dee just gave us the example. I know of wives that intentionally refuse to acknowledge that their husbands may have this proclivity and their husbands know this. Better to keep the secret than risk the marriage.
Unfortunately as so happens in later life, this need becomes stronger to the point where relief and guilt demand some disclosure so the wife is drawn into the closet too. And who’s at fault. The man of course because he always wanted to be seen as a man and not some anomaly.
At what point does this fetish go from a harmless pasttime done infrequently to something that is marriage threatening.
Now we all know that surprising the wife by walking into the room in her lingerie is not the way to disclose your condition yet some do it. Stupid, stupid. Now you have problems that can directly be laid to the CD. But what if you gentley raise the subject and are rejected. Ah! fewer options now.
I have a daughter and if she had a CD husband, it’s not my role to tell her to come home or to threaten her husband. He may likely be a good man and provider and loving husband. My role is to support her in any decision that she makes, not to tell her how to run her marriage.
Once disclosed, society’s value impact how the wife will deal with it. An English female friend, who likes the T community, commented that in the UK it’s no big deal, but in America, well, many of our values are antiqudated and effected by this black and white morality that seems almost unique to America. The younger generation seems much more open to gender diversity, but those of us raised in traditional families in the 50s and 60s, well it’s a problem.
As usual, Graham and I will disagree as I disagree with his stance on female masquerage. And can’t find clothes that fit – no more a problem that any plus-size woman has.. can’t tell you the number of stars that have rectangler or invited-V shapes and square faces. Want me to tell you how many sources there are for 6 in heels in a size 15. As a fashion writer, I can tell you that the retailers are providing clothes for the CD market but they won’t publicly say that.
I agree that honesty is the best course but let’s not rant when there are too many shades of grey
Thanks Dee.
When you say “let’s wok together to support more knowledge about cross dressing”, I don’t know whether you mean literally … but if there’s anything I can do to help you in your work, please ask. I’m sure Angela will pass on my personal e-mail address if you prefer to contact me privately.
G x
Quick response to Carmen Noel …
Yep, I hear what you say about honesty working both ways. My first long-term partner was OK with me crossdressing in private, but when I “came out” and wanted to wear women’s clothes in public, it became problematic. Unfortunately, no-one could have foreseen when we started living together 12 years earlier that things would go that way, but I was as honest as I could have been, and she respected that. We eventually parted company because she feared that living with an “out” crossdresser would be harmful to her career as a financial advisor; I couldn’t see why, but by that time I was no longer prepared to argue.
It’s true that she could easily have blackmailed me in the early days of our relationship with threats of telling my employer and all my friends that I was a crossdresser (except that she was likely more embarrassed about it than me). But once I’d started going public, that threat ceased to exist, of course. And that’s where the DEGREE of honesty comes into play. The crossdressers you refer to that have been blackmailed by their apparently-accepting partners haven’t really been honest at all – they’ve simply shared a secret with one other person. I know many crossdressers who’ve done this … and it’s frequently not out of a sense of duty, but more as a means to try to assuage their guilt and self-hatred. The problem is that if times subsequently get rough, such information can become a powerful weapon. But it’s not just spouses that get nasty – I know a crossdresser who came out in confidence to a work colleague, who then threatened to tell his wife.
The only answer to this conundrum is to have no secrets from anyone, because without secrets, there can be no blackmail. When I refer to honesty, that’s what I mean.
Graham and Carmen Noel,
Thank you for understanding! I am NOT against cross dressers-in fact I have made so many new friends-I love them. I support your right to cross dress and have equal rights. I would fight for your rights. What I will not do is sit back and watch 70% of you walk your brides down the aisle-without disclosing you are a life long cross dresser. You are misrepresenting yourself to your lifetime partner-that is what I find disgusting, immoral, to betray your wives/partners. It means so much that you both understand this…yeah-we are making progress!
I agree, society needs to understand cross dressing-and it takes time for societal views to catch up. In the meantime, equal rights and civil rights should be given to all cross dressers-transgenders-etc. But I think it is unethical, and should be illegal to misrepresent the marriage and get your wife bonded legally to a liar…it is not fair to her.
Yes, if you are a CD-tell your girlfriend-it is only fair to her and gives her the choice if she wants to be a cross dressers wife! You can set boundaries-talk it out-instead of lying to her for 10 years-after the babies and then your BIG LIE becomes hers…and SHE is the one with the SCARLET LETTER!!!! NOT YOU-like someone else replied thinking the SCARLET letter is on the CD-not this time honey-YOUR wife or ex wife is wearing that now…
Bottom line-let’s wok together to support more knowledge about cross dressing. People are so afraid to dialogue about this and once we can start to communicate things will change…
Blessings,
Dee A Levy
Melisack, I am so glad you were not my father. You still obviously and sadly are missing the boat-it is about the LIES more than the clothes…Your daughter deserves to have a husband who is honest-not some CD who has lied every day by ommision to his life partner! She was betrayed-decieved-lied to-she is not discriminating against CD-she is more likley furious and devasted because the man that promies to love her, cherish her spent his time LYING to her…
Dee
Dee is accurate in everything she has written and it calls for us as transgendered persons to look in the mirror and ask ourselves to what level are we being honest with those who we love. I don’t think any cross dresser should ever marry without being honest but by the same token no wife of a cross dresser should marry and then use that against their cd husband. I have always been honest about my cd life in dating relationships. Of the girls I have been in a relationship strong enough that I felt they needed to “know,” they seemed to be more intrigued than having any problem with it. When we parted ways it had everything to do with us not being right for each other than what I wore. But I have had to deal with the other side of this as well as know far more cd persons who have married somone who is “fine” with having a cd husband only to not be fine later and use it to hurt, punish or blackmail thier husband or partner. Just want to remind anyone reading this that honesty works both ways with all parties involved.
The minorities in this country that have more rights than they once did, have those rights due to going out and fighting for them. I will generalize here to make my point admitting that generalizing is not fair. As a cd population we have politely asked for more rights anonymously due to wanting to be safe rather than gone out and taken a stand and fought for them. Gaining rights will be a slow process this way and at some point in time we may need to take that stand. To me it gets better all the time but realize it will not happen quickly until we are less closeted. I hope I have not stepped on anyones toes in being so blunt.
I would have no problem with anyone I care for marrying a cross dresser but would want that cross dresser to be open and honest with their mate and a quality person first and foremost. Thanks!
There are a number of interwoven issues here, BarbaraJean. If you view crossdressing as a means for men to break out of their current cultural straitjacket, then I agree – freedom of expression must flow equally in both directions, otherwise it’s discrimination … and since modern dress codes are always aimed at men while women are never told what they should wear, it’s invariably men who are discriminated against in this respect. However, a fact which is always conveniently ignored by crossdressers is that crossdressing isn’t just about the freedom to wear non-male clothes … it ventures into what I’ve called “female masquerade”. A woman has much greater freedom to present how she wishes, certainly, but it doesn’t involve a fake penis, a fake beard, and using an overtly masculine name – in other words, she’s not pretending to be a man. So by all means compare a woman’s freedom of expression with a man’s, but do it on the basis of “like for like” – a woman wearing trousers is NOT the equivalent of a traditional crossdressing man.
Women fought for the right to wear trousers, you know – it didn’t “just happen”. They won their presentational freedoms by making themselves visible and vocal as women wearing traditional men’s clothes … and the result is that men’s clothes – trousers and shirts – are now cut to the female shape specifically for women. If a man wants the right to wear women’s clothes, he must be prepared to fight for it too. Unfortunately, for as long as I’ve known, crossdressers have been complaining to each other that they can’t get women’s clothes to fit their male shape – so how about addressing those concerns in public, guys? Where’s there’s money to be made, manufacturers will fall over themselves to lead the market. However, cowering in the closet wearing badly-fitting 1940’s-style women’s clothes and a big wig isn’t going to win any votes. If crossdressers haven’t got the courage to ask for what they want for fear of being laughed at, then frankly they don’t deserve to get it.
On your last point, I have to agree … at least in part. One can always feel a bit more relaxed (and relieved) about problems when they belong to someone else, regardless of whether it’s living in poverty, being attacked, getting a divorce … or discovering that your husband is a crossdresser. But the whole issue of “discovery” is problematic. The number of crossdressers has been put at between 1% and 10% of the male population – and I’ve even heard 50% quoted by Dr Vernon Coleman. The reason no-one can narrow the figure down is because the overwhelming majority of crossdressers are in the closet. Indeed, many married crossdressers will go to their graves without their secret being discovered – and if they’re really clever, it won’t be discovered afterwards either. So when you say “just not my husband”, be careful – it MIGHT be “my husband”, and his wife would never know. And it’s this deceit which is causing the problems Dee describes – not crossdressing per se.
You’ve probably heard me say this before, and I promise that you will again. Where’s the proof? Look around you. There are many young men nowadays – especially in the clubs in big cities – who dabble in androgyny and genderfuck, and there are many young women who find it sexy. (I cite Eddie Izzard as a case in point.) Indeed, having a tranny boyfriend on your arm was at one time the “in thing” in London. But the same woman who gets turned on by her boyfriend’s public crossdressing may not be so enamoured if the first thing she knows about it is when she finds him stretching the seams on her favourite dress, or masturbating into her expensive underwear.
So it really isn’t about crossdressing, and it really is about being honest … and the sooner that crossdressers en masse understand that, the sooner we can start earning the respect we desperately need.
Well, I am a protective father of two daughters, and protective grandfather to three granddaughter’s, only I’m also TS rather than CD. My ex wife, mother of my daughter, was a closeted lesbian, who came out after ending our marriage. So I understand the difficulty with disclosure of CDings and TSism and being gay, and the affect on people’s relationships way better than most.
Sticking to MTF CDing, there would be no reason for a person to not disclosure CD, and girls reactions to it would differ greatly, if all were raised to think CDing was Ok. I think your POV and hypothetical err because you are asking me to be sympathetic to my daughter who wants to be comforted because she thinks she can no longer see the caring tender person she married because they changed their clothes. All those Beauty and The Beast Disney DVDs I bought her that taught her to look past appearances were for naught? It would seem to me she is asking to keep living by all the same societal rules that put shame and perversion labels on CDing, which rules led her husband to not disclose. So she wants no responsibility for sustaining the rules? She expects her Husband to have voluntarily worn a Scarlet Letter? Again, it appears she failed literature class.
I wouldn’t endorse her continuing discrimination against LGBTQ behaviors. I would expect her to understand that both she and the man she loved were victims of social rules, and I’d expect her to be very very introspective about this …
So much today is the talk about equality. Women want to be equal to the man, but they don’t want the man to be equal to them. The woman should be allowed to be who and what they are, but the man must always be the epotome of a man.
Why is it OK when it is someone else, but Just Not My Husband?
Dee – thank you for another really great article.
Unfortunately, what’s really needed is a major advance in the public’s understanding of crossdressing; the closet door needs to be blown open, and the 19th-century paranoia within allowed to come face-to-face with 21st-century human-rights values. Oh sure, the gutter media will have a field-day, but they’ll get over it. And there may be a few “casualties of war” along the way … but nothing that’s worth fighting for has ever come easy. The prize will be our self-respect; sadly, without this, we can’t hope to respect our partners and children, and so are destined to perpetuate the emotional devastation you describe so graphically.
So I hope there WILL be a few “ah-ha” moments in response to what you’ve written. If it causes a few pangs of guilt, and prompts a handful of crossdressing fiances to “come clean” before reaching the altar, then you’ve done a good job. And who knows – there may be a few more activists on the scene too. Keep up the excellent work!
G x