Wheels and Lies
If I have a theme in these columns, then that theme is deception. I lie to cover my true self from my loved ones — all of them. It’s a song many of you know and can sing to me by heart- if they find out I will be homeless/disowned/fired/ fed to the Blue Meanies. My parents? Forget it — old school hate types. Wife? Hard core religion. Job? I work in Education, where anything that even sniffs of “different” is cause for dismissal. So I lie. And I hate lying.
I went to the Keystone Conference. My covering story was that I was at a conference for my profession. Everything that happened, I told my wife — just not the part with me wearing a dress. And makeup. Oh, and a bra, heels, cute jewelry, etc.
While at Keystone I was without my computer and was all but cut off from news. The following happened in the world: Walker illegally pushed through his union busting legislation despite protests of hundreds of thousands of people, Japan was crippled by a horrific earthquake followed by a nuclear nightmare, and so many other things that make up the world. In my world, all that happened was that I gave a presentation dressed in a great skirt suit, and I lied to my wife and to my employer.
But to whom do I lie the most? Is it to my wife? My friends? No — you guessed it — it’s to myself.
How do I lie to myself, you ask? After all, if it isn’t me putting on the pantyhose, then who is? Do I have multiple personalities? Yes. No! Shut up, I’m talking! No, I don’t. I am Sophie. I dress myself, thank you. But the lie comes from who I am, and where I may go. Here’s what I mean: ONE of the following paragraphs is a lie.
I am content being where I am as a crossdresser. Being Sophie once or twice a month is enough to smooth over the desire in me. Ok, well I could use some more time as a woman, but this is as far as it goes. I can balance my time as a woman and as a man well enough that I don’t need to go further. I don’t need to disrupt my entire life just so I can wear breast forms in a bra. After all, so far, Sophie has mostly been a creature of parties and bars and conferences. It’s not like I understand the day to day of being female. I’ve only gone shopping a couple times, and never somewhere really crowded. I haven’t gone to a gym, or somewhere in just jeans and a top and no makeup. No, my female side will continue to be an important part of me, but as a creature of the nights, and not of days.
Being a part-time woman is not enough. I am Sophie and she is me and I need this more and more. I think about it constantly. I am a woman. I need to live my life as best as I can. I need real breasts. I need to be recognized as female. Cost be damned — it’s not like my male life is any good anyway. I need to learn more about how to be the woman I truly am. After all, so far, Sophie has mostly been a creature of parties and bars and conferences. It’s not like I understand the day to day of being female…yet. I’ve only gone shopping a couple times, and never somewhere really crowded, but I’ve done it. It’s progress in small steps. I haven’t gone to a gym, or somewhere in just jeans and a top and no makeup, but DUH. I still look like a guy with no makeup. My female side is who I AM and I must bring her out!
Ok. Which one is the lie? Here’s the problem — I don’t know either. But both are what I tell myself, sometimes within minutes of each other. Notice I didn’t say anything like “Why are you wearing a skirt? You’re a man! What kind of a freak are you?” I’m past that point now.
In some way, I am lying to myself. I am trying to comfort myself by saying I understand what is going on inside me, and that with that understanding I can continue my life. White lies. Lies to keep me functioning through the day, some would say.
Functioning. Not living — functioning. Trying to earn enough money for whatever the next step may be. Surely, lying is better than facing an ugly truth right? No, I say not. But what is the truth and what is the lie? And how will I know?
Some of us say if you don’t KNOW, then don’t do it. You’re not trans. Others say a person needs time to process all that this means. The “go-slow” club.
So the lies continue. And Walker’s law is stopped by a court order. Japan fights its disaster. Life continues going. As Jerry sang:
“The wheel is turning and you can’t slow down,
You can’t let go and you can’t hold on,
You can’t go back and you can’t stand still,
If the thunder don’t get you then the lightning will”
Truer words were never sung. Or written.
Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion