WildeGeist

[WildeGeist]

I think I am figuring it out. I found myself.

[WildeGeist]

Just speaking for my Self, and hopefully this helps YOU. For me I battled many decades worrying about definitions and technical details. The whole man vs woman thing. The six months leading up to my HRT ( hormones ) I was sweating bullets about being confronted with folks demanding I provide my ” Pronouns ” . It was more painful those six months than the decades of hiding in the closet or wondering what I am. Now I am almost 3 Months into my Transition thing. My breasts are growing much more than anticipated or heard of. Hair and nails. But all that aside. Before HRT I was obsessed with makeup and ” girl stuff “. The shopping for shoes. The hours doing makeup and looks. But the day I started hormones that obsession ceased. I was able to relax. I am able to sleep. I am not so worried about being looked at as a man or woman. I feel HOMOGENIZED as both and more. A whole being. At the rate my physical looks are changing I think I will look very woman-ish. I imagine I will still think about the same; so my self perception is I will be a highly modified dude. My hanging parts I am going to lose them regardless from infection and injuries while in the Army. So I will go with the whole woman plan as I agreed upon at the start. I guess what I am saying is profess whatever and if you feel a need for transition do not put it off. I am not a doctor but have been studying neuroendocrinology as a hobby mainly because in my PTSD Groups since 1991 I noticed every soldier and veteran that started HRT was basically cured of PTSD and I truly believe that our bodies try to do all it can on its own to light up that Estrogen, but beliefs and worries of what is taught about Gender and sexual orientation ( which orientation ought to be a completely other subject not necessarily a transgender thing really ) these false beliefs and concerns bring on a lot of torment and anguish. I am so happy now not giving a hoot about having to feel like I have to immediately declare my Pronouns, or jump into a BOX. I AM ME. Ultimately I think that is most important. So it is my opinion if you are here in this Forum say Transgender, try it out. Try EVERYTHING. Go with whatever makes you happiest. And be flexible. Do not make contracts. If something rubs you wrong drop it like its hot! The Great Prophet and Sage Jimmi Hendrix said something to the effect, ” I have my own life to live. I am the one that is going to die when it is time for me to die. SO LET ME LIVE MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT TO.” I think those are valuable words Hendrix said. If someone addresses you as dude and it hurts, correct that person. Learn to stay on top of being assertive. Many of us on these paths have not been good at being assertive. Assertiveness done right prevents conflict and anger. BE YOU! Whatever that is, it is your call. Nobody else’. And strive to be happy with that YOU. My opinion.

[WildeGeist]

This is what I want for Halloween, this guys whole rig. Nobody would ever hear from or see me again . I would go ape shit non-stop until the grave with this thing https://youtu.be/JL6BRF0h-6U

I get a lot of notices in my email with links to discussions I want to interact with but the links send me to empty fields? I do not know how to find the discussions. Anyone desire to tell me how? [email protected] Thanks.

[WildeGeist]

Gender is a complexity whose totality is permanently deferred, never fully what it is at any given juncture in time. An open coalition, then, will affirm identities that are alternately instituted and relinquished according to the purposes at hand; it will be an open assemblage that permits of multiple convergences and divergences without obedience to a normative telos of definitional closure.Judith Butler

[WildeGeist]

Well, more and more since I turned 50 I was obsessed with having to get into my Tzoi mode. Ever since I was raped in the Army in 1986 my sort of bi-polar feelings of being torn between a man or a woman really became noticeable. Prior to that I did ever since very young prefer to be around women; never liked men much. I was not into dolls or that, but did have an infatuation with makeup and loved to watch women smoke for some really odd reason I will never know? In the Army I had all kinda of injuries besides MST. The Sergeant that raped me shoved me out of an airplane when I was sleeping and I was hit in the face by the plane on the way out and hit Earth at about 350 MPH causing multiple hernias. I had four surgeries. I also was stabbed with a bayonet through the top of my Achilles tendon down the back of it and into my heel all 6 inches of blade. The Medics left a wad of medical packing under the tendon which became a solid golf ball like cyst over time making it impossible to walk on my left leg for almost 4 years. Finally PT & I “popped” the cyst. Unfortunately this caused an internal fungal infection that mainly stays in my left leg and left kidney. This deep seated fungal infection is in my bone marrow even. And about 2-3 times each year causes Cellulitis in my foot/ankle/lower leg and occasionally infects my scrotum causing one or the other testicle to swell to the size of a Kona Avocado and look identical as one. Massive painful swelling called Hydrocele & Orchitis. Many times I was told they might have to amputate my hanging parts and I had better get to know my dress size ( which I already knew ) The Department of Veterans Affairs will NOT treat any of my Military injuries nor this now chronic infection because they say that would aid & abet Claims for Service Connected Disabilities which the VA then would have to pay me a pension for. Its odd they say this when I do get 20% SCD for my nose, one knee, and the scar caused by the bayonet wound? But they will not treat. So recently since COVID my Cellulitis returned. I went to ER they gave me a Prescription but I have no money to fill it. I begged the VA to mail me the Antibiotics and Oral Antifungal. The VA thought hey, if we ignore dude he will die and we can be done with him. I filed criminal charges against three VA workers. The VA retaliated by sending Secret Service into my place. But the VA plan backfired. The Secret Service upon seeing my condition sent a medical team to me. So now its a battle between the VA and FBI/SS. Meanwhile back on the farm I still have no medication. The medical team could only give me a massive shot of antibiotics; they can not fill a prescription. So to save my life I talked to KIND Clinic and said I need my scrotum hanging parts amputated. To do this I have to be on HRT first, then they can cut things off. I would Blog this and even YouTube & Twitch it if not for my electronic devices are all dead from my elbow knocking over a water pitcher. The ONLY electronic thing I have now is a laptop I found in the dumpster and put Linux on it. Something is wrong with the Motherboard so it crashes every couple minutes. Very hard to type fast enough to post here for instance. If anyone is in the Austin Texas area or can mail any old computer with a camera ( this broken R400 Thinkpad has no camera ) I can make just about anything work. I have quite a story to tell and want to share with Y’all in the hopes it may help with your own decision to move forward.
At this point other than this infection I have to cope with for now, I have no regrets. I wish I had done this immediately when I first felt inclined to do the HRT. I am 56 now and feel a little uglier than I used to be. However my ideas on Gender have hardly any bearing on my Sexual Orientation where I guess its more common to have them united. I have always loved the woman’s world. I never liked the man’s world though I lived it to the most extreme; SOCOM Army Ranger, Commercial Diver, Electrical Power Lineman/Cable Splicer ( Trouble/Transmission ), Professional Motocross Racer, Cyber Efficacy Engineer, Punk Rocker, etc… Soon after I started the HRT the only noticeable changes in my mind so far are I put on weight around the belly fast. My breasts are forming incredibly fast. I get a slight odd taste in my mouth. And NOT as infatuated with makeup which is funny to me. I do go and fondle my makeup, and make a shopping list but not as quick to glob it all on then fight to get it all off. I am more laid back on all that now figuring its all part of the package and use it all as needed whenever. I would love to keep Y’all abreast on things with live feeds and whatnot. But like I mentioned I am screwed at the moment. Long story short on my financial thing is I was fired in Hawaii a year ago March, put on an airplane the following morning by the CEO to be dumped in Shreveport Louisiana. My belongings were reduced to a 5’x5’x5′ crate and shipped to Shreveport where it all still remains to this day in a storage unit. The Vet Center in Shreveport told me to go to Texas or I will die in Louisiana. So I grabbed a laptop a guitar and a backpack and headed for Austin Texas. I got an apartment and fell ill. Then COVID-19 lockdown. I am in a 2bdrm apartment now that HUD is paying the rent portion, my $270 a month income does all the other bills and needs. Its like I am financially incarcerated in this place. I use a door I took off the hinges for a bed. No furniture in here at all. I brought in a wood pallet to make a table with; I need legs for it. After bills are paid I have about $20 a month to work with for soap and cleaning supplies. Thoughts of getting my things 400 miles away in Shreveport are dimming. The one and only local person in Austin I could even talk to on chat just this morning told me she has to go to a COVID Hotel for Quarantine. I am borderline depressed. I would like to leave my phone number ( Google Voice )( I have no phone or communications devices left but an old trash R400 laptop ) but unsure if that is cool here on this forum. So long as this machine stays up online I have Slack, Telegram, Hangouts, G Voice, Discord, Skype, etc… my email ought to not be an issue I hope [email protected] . I had some trouble at first figuring out how to reply here in this Forum. I will stay as active here as possible. Ask me ANYTHING. If I can be of any help it would help me to feel like I am worth something more than food for mosquitoes & bugs. Aloha Georg Curnutt/Tzoi Fuchsia

[WildeGeist]

I been on HRT now about a Month. I am all in.

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