carlaroberts

[carlaroberts]

I’m not sure it’s actually knowing, but a persistent feeling that has been with me as long as I can remember. Growing up in a small town where everyone knew everyone and everything about them, I was the child that joined with the girls on the elementary school playground, and avoided sports activities. I wanted to be one of the girls enjoying what they did, wearing what they were wearing.
I had been

In middle and high school, having to be in the boy’s locker room was terrible experience, even though my physical characteristics were much the same as everyone else’s, I felt exposed and embarrassed, and being less masculine, I was often the target of teasing and humiliation as if I were a girl. I remember wishing to live in a world where there were only girls and women.
I tried to engage in more masculine activities, and was quite successful, but I didn’t enjoy them, only doing them as a means to survive. But, surviving isn’t thriving, living in stealth, only allowing myself brief opportunities to express and experience the feelings of being my true self on rare occasions often fraught with anxiety.
After many years of working and accepting my culturally imposed role, I was finally in a position to claim my rightful place as a Trans woman. Too late in life for procedures that would confirm my identity legally where I live, I have been able to live and present in the way I feel is appropriate. There are those who question myself identity, choosing labels they feel comfortable with, but I am the one who decides ultimately, and I am happy to be Trans, whatever that means.
Carla

[carlaroberts]

Although I identify to others, as trans, I’m not sure I know, after 60 years. I have crossdressed, or wanted to since before I started elementary school. I have a picture from that time playing “Secretary” which I treasure, and I think it confirms that my feeling aren’t going to change. I was on since hormone therapy but stopped, as I didn’t feel I was going any farther than presenting. Regardless of how I present, I internally I lean toward the feminine, and always have. As a young boy, 6 or 7 maybe, I remember asking my baby sitter and her sister, whom I adored, if it was okay if I wanted to be a girl. At that time, crossdressing and trans, we’re not common words, and their answer was “We can dress you up, so you can be a girl”. It was truly the beginning of a lifelong fascination and love of all things feminine, even though I learned much of what I loved was off-limits. For them, it was just play and fun, giving them the little sister they did not have. For me it was validation ,acceptance and permission to be what I wanted for just a little while. Having stayed with them for extended periods of time, it became a routine and I loved it, only to be shocked to find not everyone thought it was cute.
By the time I was 13 or 14, I was well aware that my feelings and desire for the feminine, was not generally accepted, and other than Halloween or some sort of a gag or joke, it was necessary to hide my feelings. These did not go away or subside in adolescence, or young adulthood, and I tried everything from being an auto mechanic to military service to distract myself from these feelings.
To say the least, it did not work, resulting in my having difficulty having friends, being a loner and often depressed.
After many years of acting in a male role, I had almost come to accept my fate, especially after having kids. I had an image to maintain, of course, and I tried hard. But, my nagging feelings of not being what I felt inside just never went away. I had no idea others were experiencing the same things.
I had expressed my feelings to my wife long before we were married, and there brief periods of time when we would play dressup. I loved it but after having to return to a male personna was always difficult and depressing so it was not often.
Fast forward to the 90s, kids were out of the house and I began wanting to return to my old feelings and expressed them to my wife, but this time I told her these were very important to me and some game I wanted to play for entertainment. It took her some time to accept it, but she did, at least to some degree. After moving to a larger city, I discovered I was not the only one and began to interact with a range of different people, some crossdressers, some trans, as well as others, I could not define.
For myself and my wife and others, it was more acceptable to identify as trans, because many saw crossdressing as a fetish, so that’s where I am. Somewhere on the spectrum. To some who know I identify as trans, they can’t see past the clothing and makeup, because I am not 100% feminine.
Still I say I am trans, but I am not always sure.

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