How Do You Know if You Are Trans?

[Anonymous]

Forgive the wall of text, but I’ve shortened this story about me to avoid writing an entire book.

I’ve been wearing girls clothes (mostly in secret) for as long as I can remember. When I was about 3 years old, I asked my mom to show me how to put on makeup & she showed me & let me put on make up with her for the next couple of years. She didn’t realize that I wore girl’s clothes until she found me in my best friend Jessica’s Annie dress while I was at her house playing Barbies (I loved that movie, & the dress, since I saw it in the theater many years ago).

I’ve always envied the clothing that girls got to wear & didn’t like that I couldn’t wear what I wanted.

Unfortunately, I was born in the southern US in a Southern Baptist family, so things went badly. I got in rather serious trouble, & was very careful about being seen until more than 35 years later (& I’m still not entirely comfortable going out of the house dressed the way I want to).

It wasn’t until 2 years after that I next tried on girl’s clothing. My aunt had thrown out one of my cousin’s old one-piece bathing suits, & I asked my cousin if I could have it & if she’d help me try it on & she helped me. That was the last time I told anyone (I’m not even sure that my mom told my dad about it, though they bought me dolls until I was 5 & stuffed animals until I was about 14).

I also played with action figures like G.I Joe growing up, but to this day still don’t know if that was to fit in, or because I wanted to. I tried to hide it all so hard that I got lost in my sexual identity, & behaved like a cis-gender boy/man, which further confused me, even now.

I think my mom thought that she was doing the right thing, but I’ll never know for sure now that she’s gone. Adolescence would have been difficult & dangerous when & where I grew up, but I don’t know whether to be upset about the situation. After all of these years, I’m not sure that it matters because both paths would have been difficult (& I had a very difficult time growing up presenting as a male).

I had several female friends & girlfriends in high school that refreshed my memory about how to apply makeup, nail polish, etc. (though this was during the late 80’s & early 90’s when I could get away with just telling them I was goth, or just ask why they were doing something, like putting their nails in ice water to help them dry faster). I even used to wear my ex-wife’s clothes when I was at home by myself. Now I live alone & can run around the house all day wearing whatever I want to.

It wasn’t until my mom passed a few years ago, that I slowly began to wear women’s clothes in my house (aside from my children, she was the only person that I let touch me, so the only people now that may notice is my kids when I hug them, because I’m not comfortable being touched). My father’s still alive, & I’m not sure that he would be able to accept it if I came over to his house in one of my dresses or something telling him I’ve always wanted to be named Laura ever since I was a small child.

For the last 2-3 years, I slowly began wearing women’s underwear again (My mom taught me how to sew when I was a kid, so I can alter clothing to a certain degree, that way, I can wear a bra with no boobs & not have it obvious when I go out; I’m about to get some breast forms so I can wear my regular cup size bras when I’m at home, or if I’m ever comfortable going out), then moved to the rest of my women’s clothing. Then recently began using makeup again in a way that it’s difficult to tell. When I leave the house, I generally only wear lingerie, cute socks, & light makeup, so people can’t really tell very easily. I’ve been working everyone into it very slowly & easily, in case I ever decide to come out to anyone but my kids. Starting with wearing women’s underwear because I like cute underwear & I like the feel of a bra not to mention cute socks & a lot of other clothes that I find really cute.

I started out getting clothes from thrift stores to see what did & didn’t fit me & because I don’t have a lot of money. I only had the courage to go try them on in the dressing room at Goodwill one time, I usually buy them & try them on at home. Now I get them from thrift stores & Amazon. I just wish I could find shoes that fit me, it’s a lot harder than I thought. There are a few choices here & there, but they’re rare from what I’ve been able to find.

As much as I would like to, I’ll probably never transition the way that I want to. Partially due to family & friends (not to mention society at large, especially in the bible belt where people are rather intolerant) & partly due to the fact that I suffer from mental illness & would be afraid of what HRT might do to my mental state.

At 42 years old now, I’m still not entirely sure how (or even if I want to) use any particular label. Sexual identity is not the same for everyone, & the fact that mainstream society confuses gender identity, love, & sexual orientation as one in the same.

I’m going to have to tell my kids at some point because they’ll find my wardrobe & stuff after I eventually die. They’re really accepting of people, as I was & always have been, of the opinion that we are all just people, regardless of race, gender, beliefs, or anything else; so their mother & I have always made sure to teach them to respect all people. Between that, & the fact that they’re millenials, the acceptance of all people came pretty easily to them, but it still makes me really nervous every time I’m about to tell them & chicken out.

I’d love to go out in public dressed the way that I want to, but potential hate crimes committed against us, & the fact that my whole family lives in the same area as I do, kind of scares me. The psychological damage I suffered when my mom found out when I was a small child made coming to terms with it all difficult, to say the least.

I only wish that I could be around when everyone eventually accepts the transgender community, but I’m sure I’ll be gone from this Earth by that time, which I find rather sad, but I think we’re gradually getting there, having seen the advancement (& steps backward) towards universal civil rights in America. Maybe the world will get lucky & we’ll mostly accept one another for who we are, as people before I die. Either way, I take comfort in knowing/having faith that it will happen at some point.

I hope all of that made sense, it was kind of a long post that I had to go through several times & probably mixed a a few paragraphs & other small grammatical errors.

Laura

[Makayla2019]

Hi everyone.

My name is Makayla and I am new to the forum.

I was reading this post with interest as it is obviously a similar story or challenge for a lot of us.

I have been on my journey or identifying as transgender for almost a year now.

I am still struggling though with the question am I trans.

I have since a small boy aged 4 or 5 had a fascination with women’s boots and that grew into a what I thought for a long time was a leather fetish. For me that was just what it was.

But I started to realise that when wearing boots I felt different at peace a calmness.

As I have gotten older I stared to experiment with wanting to full dress and present as female. This became more and more appealing and filled me with a real sense of joy.
I started to want to go out as makayla and experience more.
I tend to dress fashionably and don’t put too much makeup. I Aim to try and pass so to speak.

But my outfits are always based around boots. And it’s this connection to leather that worries me.

It’s in some way like a comfort blanket and or how I have found a link to my feminine self.

But the inner voice is constantly telling me it’s just fetish.

I find now though that other things that enable be to present a female element like a rose gold watch, earrings, or even a nice scarf is starting to give me the same comfort.

But deep down I can’t let go of this fear.

Am I trans or do I really just have a leather boot fetish.

Thanks for listening
Makayla.

[Crossdream]

Hi every one here
Happy new year
Since long time I feel I should have been female, though I am born and brought up as Male.
When I see beautiful ladies I feel y I was not born like them
I admire women
I empathize with women
I love women
I like the company of women
I do not think about guys at all

Please let me know what is wrong with me.
I may prefer to change myself as lady if I shift to so.e western country where my people are not there . But transition should be perfect . I like to hear from you people . Of late I see some changes- body became soft, body hair vanished completely, breasts too developed though small . Since then my urge to become a lady increased . Newly joined here. Just now . Let me learn from you hence forth. Bye

[Christinainside]

I have so many memories I have been upacking in my brain for the last 5 years. My first memory that helps me believe I was born a woman was when I was like 6 I was so jealous of my sisters panties and clothes and style and loved spending time learning girl stuff with her. I remember sneaking in to her room to acquire panties to wear because they were pretty and I felt like I should wear them. I remember when I was like 11 I looked in to the basement because my older step sister was showering and admiring her physique and remember thinking the female body was perfect. I got into so much trouble for that because I was a perve for looking which was the time My step sister and step mom really started hating me. I remember at 13 or 14 going into my bosses house on the farm while he was away because I just had to see his wifes clothes and smell her perfumes. I stole one pair of her satin flowery panties because they were the most feminine and I hid them in the couch I slept on in the basement and I would wait till the middle of the night and pull them out and wear them for awhile. Womens panties and what not have never been sexual for me but alluring and when I wore them I felt right and like thats what was supposed to be. I got so fucked up for over a week for that because I got caught for going through her stuff! I was disgusting and a pervert and took so many punches and knees to the privates and my dad whipped me with his belt so bad I had to miss school for 3 days cause of the bruises on my neck face arms everywhere. It was then that I burried the woman I felt I was because it was safer and didn’t make me a pervert or hurt people I love. God I remember how feminine and cute those panties made me feel and how they made me feel ok and not like a pervert after getting the shit kicked out of me. But 34 years later while I thought I hated myself for what I thought were bisexual tendancys I slowly over the last 5 yrs have grown and learned and figured out I am far from the facade I created of the alpha male mans man! The opposite actually! I remembered all the thoughts and memories I surpressed. Over time I realized that womens clothes are nothing fantasy or fetish or sexual to me but normal and comfortable and I love them so much because the bitch I was born inside so badly wants to be born. So I have kind of known my whole life and nothing I ever did changed her or got rid of her at all try as I might.

[RobbenWendy]

I suffered from penis envy, and went through a mild castration complex, because since I was born I was raised by my Mother who was very sexual, but my being intersex and assigned male at the time kept me from the devastating incestuous tie that I am fortunate never was with her, but was with my Father. I have crossed dressed when I dressed, and sewn clothes for my family when I was young, and had to say I am sorry to my Mother a number of times for throwing out her wardrobe, and shoes. You see my Mother was a professional seamstress with Burlington since there was just one factory. I had ideation about being a straight woman when being disciplined by a number of women who raised their family to understand the means and the meaning of suffrage at all cost.
Somehow I just always know, and also would mention to a peer if I thought I could trust them, that I am male, but also female. It seems my sexual orientation also transitioned as I would have to discuss it if I was in a relationship with a woman being that I believed I was actually Gay. Transitioning to female has made adjusting to every aspect of my upbringing, rearing, and raising that much easier, as it seemed I was the last to know, and recognize about most things about my story with my family, due to the fact that I wanted to have a good time most of the time, without consideration of having a sex drive, a sex life, and a sexual orientation very seriously.

[annajamey]

That is a good question for all trans, especially someone do not know whether he/she belongs to ts/tg/tv. I always use Google to search phrase to get results and solve my issue. Such as “how to judge my transgender”, “method to judge” or some other phrase.

[Anonymous]

Hey. I have had years of the same issue. I build up to being convinced I am Trans and then ‘bang’..back to being sterotypical male in a stereotypical society. I console myself that if I am on my own for prolonged periods, then the TG thoughts pervade. I still don’t have the courage to go out dressed up though. Nor have I mustered the courage to go to the doctor. Partly put off because they won’t give me HT because I smoke. Anyway Carla1212 ansd Mertera, I am in your space. I just want a pair of boobs. There are times that you wish you could start all over again – today is so more understanding than when I grew up…but someone also told me about balancing personal issues and collateral damage (ie family). Don’t know. It’s a horrid world.

[Anonymous]

PS, we also want (as humans) to belong to a tribe. I am quite happy in the TS/TV/TG /CD/GF tribe, but society doesn’t see it that way.

[carla1212]

Hi,
Yah this can get very confusing! Well I always say you just kind-of make your peace with it. Key thing is: Nobody is perfectly sexually fulfilled (well, maybe for about 15 minutes after nooky-time…), nobody is 100% sure of their sexuality, nobody is really all that comfortable with the way people perceive them. I find these thoughts very reassuring, even if the reality is frustrating. I’ve been cross-dressing and dating men since I was a teenager and one thing I learned is that even the most macho, apparently straight men — even men married to beautiful, loving wives — find themselves in a place where they want girls like us instead. They are tortured by their own desires. They don’t know why, they can’t explain it, they try to run away from it but… they need us like the air they breathe. So why should we be any different? We get confused by our desires, we can be genuinely puzzled. Like every morning I look at my male clothes hanging there, ready for work, and I keep thinking: Are these really my clothes? Darn, I wish I could just throw on a dress and a little makeup, poof up my hair — it would feel so good! But with my career, it would never work. So I just wait til I get home and — poof! — back to being Carla. I think it was Robert De Niro or somebody like that who said “Life is acting.” So I guess we just have to act our various parts and (another quotation, John Lennon this time…): “Whatever gets you through the night / is all right.”

[Seraphina]

A bit late to this party….

I will be 50 later this year. Since telling my wife (partner of over 20 years) about my lifelong desire to dress like a girl I’ve been suffering from increased uncontrollable dysphoria. It seems like I’ve gone from occasional CD with a bit of a lingerie fetish, to almost certain trans girl, going to the shops fully dressed, in the space of 2 months.

I read that this is common; that when you admit/come out to yourself it frees up your mind, gives you space to think (almost for the first time).

Now I can’t help but think about it all the time, I can’t imagine buying boy clothes ever again, I’ve been researching hair removal for m body and face, and I’m talking to a gender therapist about the next steps.
It’s certainly a rollercoaster ride.

Hope you’re all staying safe xx

[RachelleGates]

I didn’t understand myself until later in life, after which I was made to understand it’s quite okay not to know and even question your gender identity. Your gender identity is valid no matter the situation.
Here are a few tips that will help you understand yourself better:
Get a journal and write how you feel regularly
Talk about to to someone you trust, might be a friend or even a relative
Learn about other trans people and what it entails. You can join LGBT groups, google, or read any material with helpful information
See a therapist or counselor associated with trans community

Hope this helps.

[carla1212]

Hi Seraphina,
Yes, your experience proves it: Your transgender identity has been pretty much bound and gagged but now sees the daylight — and the permission — to make its escape. Once you taste that freedom it’s very hard to go back and you may discover it’s about a lot more than dressing. You mentioned that you are married, and I am sure you very much love your spouse, but… be ready, you may discover that your life choices were shaped by a prison of denial. When I was a teenager, out and about as a passable cross dresser, I at first just thought it was all about looking pretty, feeling good in the clothes; and the kindness, attention and compliments I got from men were just that and nothing more. Then I managed to attract a man that I myself was attracted to and — uh-ooooooh! — I realized I had been trying to look pretty because I wanted men (especially certain ones!) to love and desire me. The very notion that I could be attracted to a man took me by surprise: I thought: “Yikes! Does this mean I am gay? Or does the fact that I can look like a girl make it okay?” Up to that point I just thought I’d be rampantly heterosexual like my dear old Dad and all my macho Italian relatives, but it suddenly hit me that I looked nothing like them. And I realized that I only got slightly turned on by the sight of a pretty girl, but majorly, wildly turned on when certain men would look at or flirt with me. I found that if this man (who became my first boyfriend) held me or kissed me, I’d just totally melt — and melting, feeling small and weak in his arms, suddenly felt way better than trying to play the part of a male. And once he got over the shock of what was in my panties, it became a fully sexual relationship and then… wooooooow! It took a long time to get my mind 100% around this and acceptance alternated with denial for many years — I ended up in a macho military career that totally didn’t fit me, and my post-military civilian career just built on my military experience… I don’t want to call it all a mistake but it’s not what my feminine self would have chosen if I had really acknowledged her existence. I’ve made peace, no more denial, no more guilt, but I have to wear a man’s clothes part of every day until I retire. Yet I am only happy when I am playing my feminine role, cooking for a man, pleasing him, pampering him — I could have been happy like that for my whole life. Moral of story: The sooner you find and start living the whole truth of who you are, the better, and yah, be ready in case you surprise yourself!

[TinaIsDead]

You know you are it when you do NOT want to be it, but your body is a trap and you will never be anything else. That’s how you know. And don’t you dare claim anything else.

[noiadoug]

Hola no se si soy trans.
Estoy operada de todo menos del pene y me gustan las trans
que soy?

.

[AmyJacks]

Dear Mertera,

I think much depends on what you are doing and how you are feeling during
the act of sex. Are you feeling like a man doing the act to a woman, or a woman
having the act being done to her? This is inlet ant as it distinguishes a man with a
fetish from a trans woman who enjoys the act of sex.

In either case, what is important is that you enjoy yourself, and talk to a professional
counselor about this, if you feel comfortable in disclosing such things with them.

Amy

[Author]

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