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The Timing of Self-Disclosure is Everything

| Oct 9, 2023
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A 22-year-old visitor to my website,, shared his unhappy experience revealing his crossdressing interests to his girlfriend. He thought a lot about whether he should tell her and decided to come out.

No doubt she was probably in her early 20s as well and inexperienced with such things. She cried, told him to leave, and refused to answer calls and messages, ignoring the flowers he sent as a peace offering. The experience left him feeling lonely and guilty for enjoying such personal pleasures in feminine attire–something he has been doing since age 5. Knowing he can’t stop; he is reluctant to reveal this interest to another girl and asked what women propose [we] do.

In my response, I first applauded his brave honesty in disclosing his true self to his girlfriend. While she did not respond with the support or understanding he may have wanted, I told him it was for the best because many crossdressers and even transgender people do not reveal their interests or desires to a spouse or life partner until much later in life and the results can be devastating. As painful as it was for him, he did the right thing.

I also told him that finding a woman willing to accept his chosen lifestyle as part of a romantic relationship may be a challenge. I shared the views of other women I know in this situation and found that many of them just don’t understand men’s attraction to this lifestyle. It is foreign to us, and humans tend to shy away from things they don’t understand or don’t like. I tried to soften the blow by telling him that it was likely not that she disliked him but was afraid because she didn’t understand the attraction to wearing women’s clothing. As many of us women first do when we are confronted with this situation, she probably wondered if he was gay.

His shame and guilt were surprising, and I responded that his passion for crossdressing was not uncommon and that men worldwide enjoyed the lifestyle. I encouraged this young man to seek a counselor to help him sort through the conflicting emotions and the pain of the harsh rejection. I also mentioned the vast number of websites dedicated to providing support to people with his particular interests, such as TGForum, in an attempt to soothe his guilt by finding comfort in the company of similar people.

It saddened me to read his story of rejection after an earnest attempt to be honest and show his true self to someone he cared about. Although some women provide unconditional support or look the other way so long as the dressing is done in private, the stark reality is that many women don’t like it and would not have married their husbands had they known before making a legal commitment, having children, and becoming financially dependent. They feel betrayed.

The decision to reveal or come out as a crossdresser or transgender is a deeply personal one. There are potential consequences either way. But as difficult and painful as it is to show this very intimate side of one’s self, I still believe it is better to do it at the beginning of a developing relationship rather than after marriage or commitment, and far better than to try to conceal it because the accidental and unexpected discovery of such behavior can shatter relationships and families. If you are a crossdresser or transgender woman who enjoys the support of a spouse or life partner, consider yourself very fortunate indeed. Don’t forget to say thank you.

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Category: Opinion


About the Author ()

I am married to a long-term crossdresser. Visit my blog at to learn more about my experiences with this rare community.

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