The Purge

Having a great interest in history, and being privileged to come of age during the largely happy resolution of the Cold War, I have spent many hours reading about Russia, Italy and Germany–civilized lands that took hideously wrong turns in the chaotic aftermath of the First World War. Between 1917 and 1933, these nations all rejected their functioning if flawed constitutional monarchies, and embraced political doctrines (communism, fascism and national socialism) as their new state religions.

All three countries then applied as uncompromising an approach to their domestic and international opponents as would any other theocracy. They inflicted enormous damage on themselves and the world–ultimately even practicing modern versions of ritual human sacrifice. Finally, their societies collapsed from within and without, at which time they were compelled to recognize and admirably confront their errors.

As a result, from our vantage point in the early 21^st Century, “purge” has come to be a loaded term. It can refer to a process as violent as the liquidation of non-persons in totalitarian states, or simply the suppression of dissenting voices within a leadership structure to create false unity. It can also evoke the behaviors that so-called “woke” blokes perform, in desperate attempts to avoid (or cancel) certain subject matter, opinions, information and individuals that threaten to be the proverbial prick in their consciences.

The Cancel culture, 1930s style.

But for many TGForum readers, purge has a different meaning (thankfully, much more benign)–the act of getting rid of one’s feminine possessions, out of a desire to escape the shame and guilt that can become associated with such items and behavior. There are many motivations for this, some well-intentioned and some not. Like almost everyone reading these lines, I have done this at times. My personal experience is probably typical.

I began embracing feminine styles, activities and interests as far back as I can recall. For whatever reasons and motivations, I found it all genuinely enjoyable and fulfilling. But I almost immediately grasped that there was a meaningful difference between participating in certain domestic and leisure activities with my mom or my sister, and borrowing clothes from their closets or sampling items from their makeup tables. So I learned early to compartmentalize that aspect of my life.

Purging was easy under the conditions of the family home. I simply and quietly returned borrowed items to their proper owners, and pretended that nothing had ever happened. Most of the time, no one was indeed any the wiser. But eventually the secret got out, and it led to some awkward and unwanted conversations. As an adolescent, I was touchy enough about life already, and it was easy in the pre-internet era to feel like a completely isolated freak over such issues. So I trapped myself in a cycle of binge (enjoy limited private outlets for feminine dress) and purge (return the items to their owners and deny everything).

Once I became an independent adult with my own apartment and a reliable source of income, I could assemble a small wardrobe, beyond simply a few casual ensembles to wear when lounging in the privacy of home. Even so, the feelings of insufficiency would arise, and I would occasionally make the purge. This would take the form of disposal, donations, relocating items to offsite locations, and other maneuvers that felt in some ways like I was amputating a part of who I was.

Of course, offloading my pretty clothes didn’t change anything. Although I could abstain for lengthy periods of time, I would always eventually indulge again, and feel afterward as if I were little better than an addict on a binge. In retrospect, I can perceive the effect this had on those near to me. I was emotionally distant, and there was not much joy in life. People took their cue accordingly.

But as of 2021, I am completely out and living full-time with a daily wardrobe of clothes, shoes, accessories, etc. for all occasions. Internal and external issues have been resolved with happy outcomes, and I am a more fully integrated human being. I no longer “wear women’s clothes”–I wear my clothes, all of which are female in style.

So after some genuine consideration, I finally took the plunge this past summer and purged nearly all of my remaining male wardrobe. (The occasions for which I may have need of such items are now very few and far between.) Since my male clothes had become superfluous, having two full wardrobes was impossible to justify temporally or spiritually. After pondering words like “He who has two coats, let him share with him who has none” (Lk 3:11), it seemed fitting to donate those items to a men’s clothing drive supported by my church.

Likewise, since I don’t aspire to be a hoarder, I also purged some of the older, lesser used items among my daily feminine wardrobe. This made my closet more open, organized and modern. To have more clothes than one reasonably needs is problematic in every way–especially considering where and how most such items are sourced and manufactured today. (I was a college student in 1989 when the Tiananmen Square massacre took place.) I also spend far less on clothes and accessories than before, now that the goal is maintenance and not expansion.

As a result, my wardrobe increasingly consists of staples and statement pieces, as opposed to a vast selection of items randomly acquired and rarely used. My closet no longer looks like a chaotic grab bag, nor does it look as if two distinct people share my bedroom. Instead, it resembles that of a woman who has an occasional guy visitor!

No more dreary bedding for me!

The more ordered closet complements my bedroom as a whole, which I recently updated with appropriate new bedding–including a pink and black floral comforter set, with pink sheets. This will eventually serve as a stepping stone to similar affordable but significant updates, such as fresh linens and curtains to further beautify the bed, bath and other spaces. (My home office desk now features white and pink computer accessories!)

Daily feminine life has become refreshingly normal. Whether at home, office, church, errands, leisure, travel or elsewhere, I have adapted very happily to the new routine. The alternating feelings of illicit indulgence followed by inadequacy and failure that I used to experience have gone away. People now see a relaxed, accessible and happy lady that they enjoy associating with.

As we approach 2022, consider purging any behaviors, habits or flaws that might be negatively affecting your life and the lives of those close to you. Don’t define yourself by your behavior, and don’t allow your possessions to possess you. Think about ways you may be able to de-clutter your environment. Our homes should be homes, not warehouses. Give of yourself and share what you have with those in need. As the old saying goes, you can’t take it with you.

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

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Tags: featured, opinion, Transgender, Transition

Category: Transgender Opinion