The Game of Love

Dating as a trans woman, it can be a scary scenario. It was one that I thought I had written off for a while as I tried to heal from ongoing anxiety. They say you meet someone when you least expect it. “You’re just trying too hard, just let it happen,” they say. So, I stopped looking. Mainly because I had been stricken with very bad, daily anxiety since last November. I turned inward to try to deal with my issues.

About 2 months ago, I had almost forgotten that I had cast my rod into the Plenty of Fish sea and the line was still in the water. For those of you who don’t know, Plenty of Fish, or POF, is a free online dating service. I have had success before. Back in South Carolina, I met a lesbian woman. She was about 6 feet tall, a big woman. She was definitely the butch type to put it mildly. She definitely liked me. She didn’t seem to mind that I was trans either. But, she was a smoker and I just wasn’t that attracted. Shortly after, I reconciled with my ex trans partner. So that was that.

That encounter gave me hope, however. It showed me that there were cis lesbians ready to date trans women, even in sleepy ole’ South Carolina. I was encouraged. I think I did really well with this woman. She was ready to keep dating. I was not sure that I would ever find a date other than with my own kind. Then, I moved to California.

It has definitely been an experience out here in the Bay Area. Finding love has been a tough challenge. People are different here. Attitudes are different. It’s the West Coast vibe that West Coast people just don’t see. They think in a non-traditional way. Being from Pittsburgh, Pa. and spending 41 years of my life there, I developed some traditional values and attitudes. Pittsburgh is all about no-nonsense, hard work, family and a friendly, warm place to be. The Bay Area…not so much. The Cali attitude is reflected even in the dating scene. It doesn’t take long to recognize it.

Who are the people of California? As one friend put it so bluntly, “All of the nice people stopped in Denver.” Meaning that, the ones who ventured forth over the mountains back in the 1800s, were the bold, the brash, the adventurers, the driven, and the gold-diggers so to speak. In the late 1800s, San Francisco was a hive of scum and villainy much like Mos Eisley in Star Wars. Shootings and robberies were rampant and lawlessness was common as the city was flooded with people from all over seeking fortunes. This was only 160 some years ago. In terms of sociological development, it’s a blink.

While things have calmed down thankfully in 160+ years, the sons and daughters of the original settlers have merged with new generations of people who still come to seek their fortunes here. 167 years ago it was gold, now it’s technology, or biotech, or start-ups. People come here to break away from the traditional and the mundane. They want something different.

Unfortunately for people like me raised on the East Coast, South and Midwest, it can be a bit of culture shock. A lady at work who has been here for years since growing up in Tennessee agrees. “People here are like this.” (simulates horses with blinders on) “They don’t care about you, they are in a hurry.) She had just run into a difficult customer at the front registers. There are exceptions of course. But I have found that even in those exceptions, there is still that twinge of Cali attitude.

How does this affect dating? Well, to me, short of going out on a date just to date, I hope that every budding relationship will last my lifetime or at least many years. I am monogamous. Girl meets girl, girl likes girl, girl loves girl, girl sleeps with girl, girl moves in with girl, girl possibly marries girl. Apparently that is not the way it works, especially around these parts. This is the land of eternal dating, polyamory, orgies, cuddle parties, “hanging out,” free love, etc, etc. That doesn’t jive with my groove, you dig?

I guess I am a traditionalist. If you like someone, you like them. You would not look in the first place if you didn’t like what you see. With a dating site, you get to see some of their personality and their likes and dislikes which further help in the weeding process. So, by the time you get to the date, you know a good bit about his person already. On my profile, I make no bones about what I am looking for and that I am trans. I lay everything out. Sure, I don’t mention that I have anxiety, but at the time of writing, it was only situational.

I understand that maybe people are just not sure about what they want, even after a few dates. But, if you hit it off, then it’s going somewhere. I am not wired to juggle multiple dating partners. I just can’t do it. I always gravitate to one. Breakups are hard on me.  They hurt. I am usually always the one who gets hurt. Perhaps it’s because of my traditional ways. Playing the field just doesn’t appeal to me. I think it’s a dangerous game that only hurts people. If you can’t decide whom you like better, perhaps none of them are really good for you. If you really liked that person, you would not have eyes for another. The world would dissolve around you and there would only be you and they.

But, I guess that is an antiquated ideal in this day and age, especially in the land of free love and busy people. I have not had much success out here on the West Coast. From, Tacoma Washington to San Francisco it’s been tough. There is hope. I find myself “dating” a cis lesbian woman. I thought it was going somewhere after many dates and trips, but I find that I am in a competition with another girl. I am not crazy about it. It’s not ideal for me. I am trying to deal with it and see if I can do it. I worry about being different. I can’t help but feel like I am at a disadvantage in the competition. All I can do is be myself. All I can do is just try to have fun and not to worry about who I am up against in the game of love.

Tags: dating, featured, love, partners, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion