The Dam Is Breaking!
More than once I’ve heard the phenomenon of coming out as your true gender later in life as being like a dam breaking.
Ladies, mine is breaking and it’s breaking fast. I’m overwhelmed with joy, leavened by a little fear, mixed with a sense of wonder that after fifty years of every door being bolted and locked, they are now swinging wide open and all the right people are appearing in my life.
When I started down this path, part of me hoped that dressing as a female in private, and perhaps on out-of-town outings, would be enough to satisfy my inner needs. After all, that would be a lot less costly in a lot of ways. But it only took one session with my therapist to affirm that I have known for decades: I am a transgender woman, and I’m going to transition—sometime during 2018.
The same community my therapist calls home also has a trans-friendly and trans-experienced electrologist (“Honey, you’re just another girl with a beard,” she told me) and I’ve had my first two sessions with her. I also found a doctor there with experience in hormone replacement therapy. The only disappointment is that the earliest I could book an appointment with her is early April.
I keep telling myself that everything will come together in due time. I’m still a klutz with makeup. I am making progress with my movements and voice, but the more practice the better. Not only do I have to continue developing my workplace transition plan, but I need a public plan as well, due to my role as an elected official.
I’ve been able to gather a great group of women around me offering guidance and support on all these steps and more. One of them has given the group a name: Claire’s Coven. I want and need all the magic they can stir up.
I’ve been selective in who I’ve come out to so far, and everyone’s been supportive, with some surprisingly affirming. I do have one colleague, though, who just don’t get it, but I honestly think she’s trying. She sees me as a good and sensitive man, and can’t understand why I can’t stay that way. She said things like breasts and nail polish are only superficial markers. She’s articulating the argument that I’ve seen some feminists make — that transgenderism reinforces outmoded gender stereotypes.
I tried to explain to my colleague that it’s something far deeper than nail polish. As most if not all of you reading this know, it’s something deep inside, that’s been there for as long as we can remember. You can’t change it and you can’t ignore it or lock it up forever. I’ve finally thrown off a lifetime of needless shame and guilt and that’s amazingly liberating. Now I am finally on the path to living as my authentic self and it’s a wonder and a gift.
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Category: Transgender Body & Soul
About the Author (Author Profile)
Claire Hall was born and grew up in a large city on the left coast and has spent most of her adult years in a beautiful small coastal community where she's now an elected official in local government after spending many years as a newspaper and radio reporter. In her space time she loves reading, writing fiction (her first novel was published by a regional press a couple of years ago), watching classic Hollywood movies, and walking.Subscribe
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