Tell Your Girlfriend, But Don’t Tell Your Wife

“Honesty is the best policy.”

The common wisdom is that a crossdresser who is in a marriage or serious relationship with a genetic woman is best off finding a way to tell her the truth.

“It’s only fair.” “Somehow or other, you are going to get caught eventually anyway.” “Even if she is not supportive, generally she will be tolerant as long as you ‘keep it private, even from me.’”

And I agree with that common wisdom as long as you have not already married the woman.

But I don’t agree that you should tell your wife.

There are two reasons I feel this way. The second reason derives from the first.

The second reason is anecdotal: I’ve seen and read about too many marriages devastated (immediately or eventually) by the revelation. Often, the pain accompanying that devastation is all but unbearable. Conversely, I know of many crossdressers, even crossdressers who are out and about in our community, who have successfully kept their secrets from their own families for decades. They might have been happier to have been able to share their secret lives with those they love; but they have decided that the risk is too high. They have dealt with things as they felt they must.

As for the first, the prime, reason: I think it comes out of an obvious truth about all human relationships, even loving marriages.

Underlying all human relationships is a social contract. Although it is a contract with terms that are always open to re-negotiation, the terms of the contract usually remain stable for many years. Partners understand the terms. Everybody abides by the rules. Relationships stay happy.

The sad, inevitable truth about that contract is the very great importance of the clauses that have to do with relative power: for example, the complex clause in that contract called: Presumed Authority. (On this list of topics, my opinion carries more weight; on that list yours does.)

So what happens when a crossdresser lets the genie out of the bottle?

First of all, of course, once released, you can never get that genie back into that bottle.

And with the revelation, the crossdresser has irrevocably changed the contract rules, and especially the rules about relative power. Especially, he has given his wife an immense power token that he immediately regrets having handed over, a power token of great value even when unspoken.

Certainly, the marriage can be saved if the crossdresser simply accepts the rewritten terms of the contract. Generally, that means ceding power and authority in the relationship to the genetic woman.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with a husband ceding power and authority to a wife. Such relationships can and do work well. But that doesn’t happen.

The crossdresser can’t accept the rewritten terms of the relationship. The crossdresser resents what he has lost.

Inevitably, there comes a time when the wife uses or threatens to use her new power token. The crossdresser gets very angry. The relationship is mortally wounded.

From then on, it’s a painful spiral down.

The reason the situation is different before marriage is obvious. The revelation is already assimilated into the social contract before the marriage contract is made.

In short, it’s not so much about the changed relationship itself; it’s about the consequences of the sudden, irrevocable change in the rules of the relationship.

In short, before or after marriage, don’t tell until you’ve thought long and hard, until you are sure you are being honest with yourself about your willingness to accept the new terms . . . forever.

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Cheryl Ann Sanders was a frequent contributor to Transgender Forum in the past. She has been absent for several years while writing and publishing a (quite successful) straight novel under another name. Many also know her TG novel A Woman’s Passion written under the name Alan Barrie. It was at one time the bestselling TG novel of all times. Although more than 15 years old, it still sells in dribs and drabs on Amazon.

Still others remember her essay that appeared here several years ago: “…And What I Wore.” An “occasional woman” at that time, this was a memoir of a weekend she actually spent as a woman with a man in New York City. That memoir can still be found in our archives. Unfortunately, the photographs that illustrate that archived version have been lost. A safe PDF version with its photographs still intact is available for download.

Cassie can be reached at alanbarrie@yahoo.com.

Tags: crossdressing, featured, opinion, partners

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion