Story of a Girl

| Apr 15, 2019 | Reply
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“This is the story of a girl 

Who cried a river and drowned the whole world 

And while she looked so sad in photographs

I absolutely love her, when she smiles

How many days in the year 

She woke up with hope, but she only found tears 

And I can be so insincere 

Making the promises never for real 

As long as she stands there waiting 

Wearing the holes in the soles of her shoes 

How many days disappear? 

You look in the mirror so how do you choose?

Your clothes never wear as well the next day 

And your hair never falls in quite the same way 

You never seem to run out of things to say”

I seem to identify with this song by Nine Days from the year 2000. The words tell of a girl who is lovable but sad, full of hope but not really making her way too well for some reason. Maybe she’s a dreamer like me, waiting for someone or something to whisk her away to a better life. 

I feel very uneasy lately. I am running out of money and need to find a job really soon. I’ve finally started to put in applications. I’m scared. I keep going up and down with my emotions. 

“How many days disappear?

You look in the mirror so how do you choose?”

These words really hit home. The days just seem to disappear into dust like after a Thanos snap. Sometimes, I feel like I am turning to dust. Perhaps, it’s the rain. Perhaps, it’s the fear of financial insecurity. Perhaps, it’s my meds. I can’t seem to stay on a good track. The A train gets derailed with even a slight imperfection in the tracks. 

How do I choose? This is an ongoing issue. In essence, we all get to choose how far we go with being transgender. We can’t choose to BE transgender or not, but we can control how far we go and what out final product will be. I’m stuck in neutral. I have so many other issues ahead of being trans and what to do about that.

I try, every damn day, to get up and make the day count in some way. But, I feel like a bum or a failure without a job. It has been a tough winter. Spring shows promise, but I need the other kind of green to come in, not just the buds and grass. I need the green that seems to be needed to make this life go. 

This is the story of a girl 

who’s feeling lonely and lost in her life. 

While she looks so good in photographs

she doesn’t always feel it

when she smiles. . . 

I’m hoping for good things to happen in the coming weeks and months.

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul

amandaf111

About the Author ()

I am a transwoman originally from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living full time for 5 years. I work in retail but am an artist/Graphic Designer and aspiring writer. I tend to address the controversial in my writing. I would love to change the world one article at a time. I moved to The San Francisco Bay Area to start over, again. But recently moved back to the East Coast. The adventure continues...

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