She Knows

| May 21, 2012
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“So, um, I’m transgendered. Could someone pass the potatoes?”

Oh, if it were only that easy.

I told my wife about Sophie.

I’ll let that sink in.

Yes, she now knows.

After nearly four years of lies and hiding, of hating myself, justifying it, feeling the weight of my conscience . . . I told her.

Bob said it best when he sang:

Every step of the way we walk the line
Your days are numbered, so are mine
Time is pilin’ up, we struggle and we scrape
We’re all boxed in, nowhere to escape

(Bob Dylan,“Mississippi” from Love and Theft, 2001)

I couldn’t live that way anymore. No escape — no way out but to tell her, and may God have Mercy on my Soul.

Well, I am still among the living. I haven’t been thrown out. She is actually supportive in her way. She doesn’t understand, but she “accepts.” How much does she accept? We’ll see. This weekend is the first big test of that — she will know that I am out and about as a woman. She says she may go visit her brother this weekend. In Washington DC.

Details? W,W,W,W,H,W?

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away . . . I started planning. Actually my three loyal readers know this part. I’ve been planning on telling her for months. Assuming I’d be tossed out on my padded butt, I started making plans. Place to stay, health insurance, legal referrals. . .  you know all that stuff.

It came down to all I needed were two things: A time and money. Well, I’ll never have money so; I knew if I waited for that, I’d be communicating from the grave. Time? Hmmm.

My loyal legions also know that my mother in law (MIL) lives with us. She is a rabid, hard core Republican. How right wing? She thinks Santorum was too liberal. Yeah, that bad. How intolerant? I had my ears pierced three years ago, and she STILL gives me grief and says I look “gay.” And, to top it off, when she’s around, my wife is totally a miserable person.

So, my spies informed me that MIL was going on another cruise. Actually, she told my wife and wife told me. In any case, she would be gone for two weeks. When she’s gone, my wife goes back to being human again. So, my time would have to be early in those two weeks. Why? To give her time to process everything before MIL returned. So, I knew I would need time to actually do this talk, so it couldn’t be a night I had to go to bed early for work at oh-dark-thirty the next morning. Looking at my schedule, only one day fit the criteria: Thursday, May 3, 2012.

Having secured the date, I practiced what I would say with my therapist. I spoke to my “Big Sis.” I second guessed. I ran around in circles in blind panic while screaming like a banshee. Actually not that last bit, but I felt like it. I was scared! Yes, I am woman enough to admit that! In fact, Thursday I was a total wreck.

I waited until after our daughter went to bed. Wife wanted a shower. I had a drink or three (being me.) Texted the entire western hemisphere. Once I told her, I couldn’t “untell” her — the genie would be out and no putting it back. Finally, she came back to our “living room” (where we watch TV.) I poured us both some pinot noir and I told her I wanted to talk.

And I asked her not to interrupt me.


Then I took a breath. Okay, it was longer than that but you get the idea. My legs were shaking so bad, I tucked them under me. I held the wine with both hands to hide my shaking hands.

Yeah, it was like that.

And tears ran down her face. And mine. She asked me to put down my glass . . .

So she could hug me.

*cue music swell*

*audience goes “awwwww”*

She knew something was up — I’m not a good liar. She thought I was planning to leave or that I was having an affair.

She asked questions, which I answered. Lots of questions. She agreed that MIL can never know because she would absolutely go berserk. Pitch forks and torches.

And the questions still come. MIL is home now and the gloom has descended again. Wife mentioned I seem happier. And I am. The weight of the lies is gone. It’s a total “Frodo destroys the ring” feeling of being unburdened.

She still asks questions. She doesn’t want to see pictures. She asked if I thought about the surgery, and I said I had. She said that doing that would end the marriage. So there’s one boundary. I somehow think that won’t be the only one. And I know that eventually there will be a meltdown. A Reckoning.

So this weekend she may go away. Is she running? Fleeing from her husband that will be wearing a skirt and makeup? Yeah, probably. I don’t blame her. In any case, the test will be Sunday. How will she look at me? What will she say, knowing that the night before I was out as a Woman? As Sophie Lynne. With people just like me.

Now is a time for something even Scarier. The rest of my Life. What is my next step? Who am I?

Sophie Lynne April 2012

Can you see the Real Me?

Well, now that the fog of lies has lifted, the pain of This is Sharper. Clearer. Harder. My next step is electrolysis. Wife has consented. Well, I told her I already did laser and started electro, so she said to keep going. After that?

Now the search truly begins. Guess it will never end. I will always be seeking the truth of Sophie Lynne.

And that’s just fine.

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul

Sophie Lynne

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Comments (10)

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  1. megham megham says:

    some thing went wrong with me,
    feminization is taking place in me without taking harmones
    can any one explain this magic

    • angela_g angela_g says:

      Rather than post your feminization question on Sophie’s article you should post it in the Discussion Board as a new topic. One answer though could be that you have reached middle age and you hormones adjust by themselves. Your testosterone decreases and your natural estrogen can cause breast sensitivity and growth.

  2. megham megham says:

    coming out with our own people is tough job!
    if you could do it, itz big relief!
    next is facing the society !it is easy in the west!
    next is pooling funds!
    last thing is the real change!
    you have to choose your surgeon,surrender to him, by the time you open your eyes, you are changed!
    sky is the limit for ffs!
    you may win a beauty contest!

  3. melissam melissam says:

    I hate to say this but MIL is toxic to your marriage if what you say is true. No one deserves to live in that kind of misery. Your TGism just adds to the tension because it sounds like open discussions are not possible.

    You have a monkey off your back by disclosing the truth, and that is a relief.

  4. melissak melissak says:

    Cute writing Sweetie! LovetheI’msonervouspart! Hah. Your wife’s choices? Crazy soul sucking Mom, or witty intelligent CDing husband? Gosh Sweetie I hope she picks you for her own sake!

  5. Linda Jensen Linda Jensen says:

    I’ll bet you feel a very big weight off your shoulders. There a lot of steps to go through but with luck she will see that Sophie Lynne goes way back and was part of that package she long ago came to love.

  6. regina-nj regina-nj says:

    Wow! Congratulations! Yes you will have some rough times ahead, but you have shared with your partner! When you published that you were stealth you were playing with a Big Fire! Thank You for telling her! CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN!

  7. shelagh-s shelagh-s says:

    Congratulations on your courage and honesty. That’s an incredibly difficult subject to broach. I know, cause I had that conversation a year ago. The questions about the remodelling of my hoohoo were tough. At the time I told her that I wanted an orchiectomy. She didn’t like that idea either. And there was the similar line in the sand drawn about SRS. And Facial Feminization Surgery – that would be the end!
    So, now I’m celebration my first year on HRT; in January I had full FFS and my wife was there with me. I’m am happy I had FFS. Even though I’m tall I’m fully passable and have been full time for 3 months. I feel like my marriage has never been better than it is right now. The revelation initiated a chain of events and conversations that required a lot of soul searching and complete honesty to navigate the seas after the initial emotional tidal wave struck our relationship. We have had to become more open with each other, which can be challenging, but at the same time very healing. Patience, patience, patience was my mantra during the first 3 months from my reveal. I also found her acceptance grew as my transsexuality was confirmed, first by my diagnosis with GID, and my official name change. These things I feel confirmed to her that this wasn’t a hobby that was messing up her life; that I needed to be a woman in the world.
    Now I am her wife, and to the world, I am a woman. At this point SRS is off the table. She makes me feel special as a rare woman with an “outie”, rather that a member of a crowd of 3.5 billion women who don’t have one. I prefer women. I can imagine being with a man, but I choose not to. I guess I’ve become a bit of a female chauvinist as time has passed.
    What I’m trying to say is that dreams can come true, and love can continue and grow. If you’re in the USA, you might want to be sure you’re living in a part that accepts same-sex marriage though. You may; if you are the recipient of grace, be in one a year and a half from now! 🙂
    God bless you. It can be lonely for awhile. Hold fast to love and the vision of the life you want and need. It does get better.
    with sisterly love, Sheela

  8. Kaida Kaida says:

    Congrats and good luck.

    I have it easy in that regard, my partner 110% supports me.

  9. tasidevil tasidevil says:

    Ahh! Sophie. Good on you. Been there, done that. It’s hell. I’m a Phila girl too-just a lot of years ago. Like they say, it does get better. And BTW, you’r lovely.