“Ms.” Behaving

TGForum readers of a certain age may recall when the movement to promote the female honorific “Ms.” gained momentum in the early 1970s. There remains a feminist magazine by this name, which was then enjoying its heyday. Although your present columnist is decidedly not of Liberal persuasion (despite being left-handed in athletic pursuits), she is compelled to acknowledge that it once enjoyed broad influence, before ultimately settling into niche status like many other publications — both left and right — in our socially fragmented internet era.

While coming-of-age in the 1980s and early 1990s, I did not devote a great deal of thought to honorifics. Despite my well-established (albeit privately manifested) transgender behavior patterns, I took for granted that I would be publicly hailed as “Mr.”, “Sir”, “Buddy”, “Yo dude”, etc. throughout the course of life. It would never have occurred to me otherwise.

In fact, I can recall an occasion in 1993 when, shortly after a job interview that did not result in an offer, I subsequently received a form letter to this effect in the mail, which text began with “Dear Ms. Lewis”. At the time, I ran my hands through my buzz cut, recalled the suit and tie I wore to the interview, laughed heartily and thought, “Wow, I obviously left no lasting impression upon that recruiter at all.” Clearly, honorifics were not important to me.

In the ensuing years, whenever I signed up for anything — from simple magazine subscriptions, to legally binding loan applications — I always included my full legal name, usually with the article “Mr.” up front. By then, I felt that I had reached a point in life where a nickname was not appropriate until after a personal introduction had been made. This remains my approach today; on business communication with professional colleagues and contacts, my email signature displays my full name with middle initial, listed directly beneath my casual name for reference.

One venue where I am officially registered is my church, where I have been a continuously active parishioner since 1996. The name on my mailing record had been my full birth name, preceded by “Mr.” In 2014, I began the coming out process there with positive results. I worship, socialize and volunteer freely, and try to be generous with my time and skills.

Some years ago, I was invited to join our ladies group, which I very happily joined and serve faithfully to this day. I was even nominated at one point to run for an open seat on the leadership council, a genuine honor which I respectfully declined at the time due to time constraints, as well as private uncertainty at the time over how to present myself.

Sunday best! (August 2021.)

Much of the congregation has known me prior to my full-time transition in late 2020. As a result, I am occasionally still referred to in casual conversations by male pronouns. I must admit that this does not bother me. I consider personal respect in such a venue to be more than simply honorifics. Since to my knowledge I am the first openly TG parishioner, I have been quite willing to follow the pace of others in order to make the best possible impression. (Such is my personality anyway.)

However, one morning last month, I sent an email to the church staff (the office manager and the administrative assistant, both of whom know me well) asking if it would be possible to update my mailing record to read “Ms. Christy Lewis” — i.e. the feminine honorific with my casual, fully legitimate name. I framed the question that way to make clear that the decision was theirs to make, with no obligation or expectation on my part.

Before the day was out, I had received polite responses from both ladies, indicating that they were quite happy to update my mailing record accordingly, and that the process had been completed. (I was informed that address labels had recently been generated for an upcoming mailing, but the change would be visible for the following one.) I thanked them both very much, and said that I was most appreciative. I certainly look forward to receiving the first updated mailing!

It was a small gesture, known and visible only to myself and the office staff — but it was significant to me. And the most pleasant aspect was just how uncontroversial it all was. My request was handled as if it were simply any other update to an address record. It will be interesting to see what other changes it may have on my personal interactions with the office going forward. Knowing them as I do, I can’t help but wonder if, upon receiving my request, these ladies looked at each other, smiled and said, “What took her so long to ask?” I now expect to inquire about similar updates elsewhere.

Like the average lady, I value my personal relationships and have attempted to build long-term ones based on mutual respect, trust and courtesy. I have attempted to craft an outward appearance that projects and enables this. I like to think that I don’t view people as members of groups, or apply labels to anyone. Our society and fallen world already place too much emphasis on such things.

The labels to which I aspire represent qualities — honorable, faithful, supportive, etc. — more than anything else. In this case, I feel like the label “Ms.” conforms to the facts. It is very gratifying to know that those who have had the best chance to observe me over a long period of time have acknowledged this assessment, and freely conferred this upon me. That truly puts the “honor” in honorific!

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Category: Transgender Opinion