Making The Grade
In a recent post at my personal blog, I came up with a list of questions to illustrate the nagging doubts, worries, and fears that plagued me — and most transsexual women, as far as I can tell — prior to beginning my Real Life Experience. They are the sort of the thing my therapist collectively refers to as “white noise” — pointless sound that serves only to distract and frustrate — and that can only be extinguished by actually getting out and living life. I now offer you my list of queries, followed by further discussion…
• Will I “pass”? Will it matter?
• Is my voice good enough?
• Will I still be able to perform my job duties? Will people at work still listen to what I have to say and take me seriously?
• What’s it like to get up every day and slather on makeup? Do my hair? Pull on my Spanx?
• When will the novelty wear off?
• Will I get by if I don’t look perfect on a given day? On those days I feel fat and ugly?
• Will I still be jealous when a woman walks by wearing a great pair of shoes? Sporting a killer hair cut? Holding hands with her significant other?
• Can I be happy? Will I dread tomorrow, or anticipate its arrival gladly?
• Will I always have to look over my shoulder?
• Will I have to defend my identity every single day? Will I need to correct people about names, about pronouns, about “sir” all the time? Will it eventually wear me down?
• Is it all worth it if I never find love again?
• Will I hit a wall (metaphorically speaking, of course)? Will there be days I want to go back?
• Will I ever not stop in front of a mirror to make sure I look okay?
• Will I drift away from the transgendered community?
• Will I be a bitch?
• Will I ever stop using stupid male euphemisms in conversation?
• Will I ever not feel anxious using a public restroom again?
• Will I always feel like a gorilla when I’m walking?
• Will I make new friends? Will I get invited to do things with other women?
• Will there ever be times when I’m not consciously aware of how I’m “different”?
• Will people still like me? Love me? Respect me?
Did going fulltime silence the noise for me?
Check out my blog for that discussion.
This discussion is about something else.
Rather, here at TGForum, I’m curious to know which of these questions are deal breakers for you. If you could know the answers ahead of time, which would keep you from transitioning and why? Or if you’ve started transition, which of these could possibly lead to you choosing to de-transition? Basically, I want to know what you consider necessary for a successful transition.
Feel free to add to the list if need be!
Type your comments on Renee’s list in the Comment Box below and hit submit.
Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion
About the Author (Author Profile)
Subscribe
If you enjoyed this article, subscribe to receive more just like it.
My point exactly. Whether you are part time or have moved into the gender 24/7 you can’t worry about what people might think. They might hate you, love you or be indifferent. As long as you stay true to yourself that’s the most important thing. As you say, “Live life.”
That’s kind of a whole different conversation, Angela. Speaking from someone who’s planted her feet squarely in one place and isn’t budging, I can tell you that confidence does not equal passing. And not passing *will* earn you scorn from those who are too close-minded to consider anything outside their own little box. But having that confidence will make you care less about the people you can’t control, and that’s an essential survival skill in this racket.
Something you say strikes me as really profound in another way:
“I don’t know and there’s no way, short of asking them, to find out.”
We always worry about what other people think. “Did they clock me?” “Do they think I’m a freak?” “Do they see me as having an asterisk over my head?” Etc. It’s like Schroedinger’s Cat…you don’t know if it’s alive or dead until you open the box and find out. And frankly, there’s no reason to open that box. Live life.
As someone who goes back and forth across the gender border I have days when I go out enfemme and think that the whole world must know what I’m up to. On other days I go out, interact with people and get treated like a lady, called “ma’am” and referred to as “she.” I might be wearing the same kind of outfit and doing my hair and makeup the same way but it’s the way I feel that makes the difference. If I feel confident and grounded in my gender expression then even though I’m 5′ 11″ in flats, don’t sound like a petite woman when I speak (but I do speak with feminine cadence and style) then I get treated like a woman. Do people I interact with all believe I am a born woman? I don’t know and there’s no way, short of asking them, to find out. The important thing is that when I do feel good about myself my interaction with others is natural and I at least seem to be taken for what I am attempting to project. I actually have days when I worry about how I come across in male mode. Has my crossdressing made me too femme as a guy? Again, it’s a matter of just being the gender you are, or are projecting and not getting carried away with too many doubts. People will accept you if you are comfortable with yourself.
I don’t think you’re an unattractive woman at all Ronnie, but what about those women who were born women and are nonetheless unattractive? They didn’t have a choice in the matter.
I think GGs worry about a lot of these things too, but there’s a difference. Being unsatisfied with some quality of one’s own person is quite different than not knowing whether you can get by with it in day-to-day life. There are lots of things I’m not satisfied with about myself – the answer to “Is my voice good enough?”, for example, is a resounding no – but knowing that I can at least be functional in my role despite that has been a relief.
Sad to say, the questions that I know I’d have to answer, and couldn’t satisfactorily, are all about looks. I don’t want to be an unattractive woman. (Of course, who says I am now?)
On another note: I suspect that TS’s not only ask themselves these questions, but GG’s do as well…