Live and Learn

What have I learned two years into my full-time transition? Well, for one thing, it seems that I unexpectedly chose a good time to do so. Although (like all of us perusing TGForum) I temporarily and painfully lost access to many social outlets in 2020-21, I did manage to be more visible publicly than ever, including places where I had not previously gone public. Not only was there no resistance to my appearance, my presence was gratefully received.

Being full-time made a huge difference in my appearance. In mid-2021, when I was shopping at a privately-owned local boutique, the manager paid me a wonderful compliment to the effect that I was the only person she knew who “got fabulous during the pandemic.” As flattered as I was to hear that, I really don’t think I did all that much. I simply put my best face forward on a daily basis beginning in 2020. Aside from any visual improvements, there are personal routines, attention to detail, socialization with and feedback from others that have helped me learn.

Recently, I visited my local car wash for a full exterior and interior cleaning. Since it was a pleasant and mild spring Saturday afternoon, I wore a socially and climatically appropriate outfit, in bright spring colors and with a seasonal print scarf tied onto the strap of my handbag. After the wash, my car was dried and treated before being driven to the adjacent detailing area for the interior cleaning. I walked over to the waiting area; there were two adjoining benches there filled with other patrons, and I chose to stand off to the near side at the end of them.

Before long, a 40-something guy who was sitting on the shaded bench next to me unexpectedly demonstrated his gentleman’s credentials and very chivalrously offered me his seat. I was extremely flattered, smiled and thanked him for the courtesy. (He characteristically replied that he enjoyed being in the sun anyway.) While waiting together for our cars, I engaged him in some casual conversation; another pleasant surprise, as we were the only ones present that were not absorbed in a device. My car was ready a few minutes later, at which time I got up, smiled and wished him a nice weekend as I left. The experience left a spring in my step for the rest of the day.

Later that afternoon, I went to my salon for fresh highlights. While I was waiting for the color to set, I was approached by one of the other stylists, who tapped me on the shoulder, and introduced me to her client — who had noticed my white sandals and wanted to know where I got them! When I mentioned the nearby retailer, she was quite pleased, as she was on her way to that very store to pay a bill.

Easter Sunday afternoon at the beach!

The next day, I visited my fitness club and upgraded my membership to the level that includes access to amenities offered exclusively to female members — including access to a women-only fitness room, which I have since utilized regularly. The new membership level also features unlimited registration for all classes, so I now partake of cardio dance, yoga, pilates and body combat sessions. I interact with the instructors and the other members, and feel right at home. Another positive precedent set for whoever may come after me!

The big learning experience has come at work, where it seems I have successfully made a positive new first impression since transitioning. Two years in, I am an established everyday fact, with positive working relationships at all levels. When I am gathered among groups of female coworkers, we are routinely referred to by men and women alike as “ladies”, “girls”, etc. Small gestures like that are so fulfilling.

One day, after a very fun group luncheon at a local tavern, a colleague who I like but am not always fortunate to see onsite approached my desk and cautiously asked me which pronouns I preferred. I smiled, and responded as I have with others in various venues who have asked me the same thing – that it was entirely up to her. (We have both been employed at my company for many years, long before I began transitioning.) She was very respectful and friendly as always, and made it clear she wanted to know out of respect for me. I was very honored and assured her that as long as personal courtesy was involved, there was nothing to be concerned about.

Since my current position affords me a significant amount of professional visibility within the company (as do the obvious personal factors), I am very conscious about setting a good impression and making things as relaxed for everybody as possible. No one should feel like they have to plan their words in advance, or worry about my reaction if they make some sort of unintentional verbal misstep. There are no Orwellian speech codes at my desk. My colleagues appear to have picked up on that, and are completely comfortable with me.

This seemed to be confirmed at our recent Cinco de Mayo celebration, our first real company-wide social event since normal operating conditions were fully restored at the office last month. A very large proportion of the staff was onsite that day, including many colleagues that I do not interact with on a daily basis — some of whom, due to the 2020-21 pandemic and our subsequent remote hybrid policy, I had not seen in person for two years (i.e. when my transition was just beginning). Although I played it as cool as possible, it was obviously a day of great anticipation for me.

The weather was sunny and mild. I arrived about 30 minutes early, pleased to see an overflowing parking lot. I wore a light sweater and ankle pants, sporting fresh highlights on my longer hairstyle, along with a bright pink mani/pedi — ideal for our new “relaxed casual” dress code. When I made social rounds throughout the day as time allowed, I observed only smiling faces when I was recognized. During one conversation with three female colleagues, I was told directly by one of them (who I hadn’t seen in two years) that she liked my appearance. When I thanked her for the compliment, she emphasized, “No, I mean it. You look really good.” The other ladies agreed, and I was very flattered and said so. That brief exchange said all that needed to be said about the subject.

Cinco de Mayo 2022. (I’m the one without the sombrero!)

After a few other such reunions during the workday, the reception began in the late afternoon. All of us assembled in the outdoor party area for Mexican food, drinks and music. While I would never be considered a great mixer, I mingled freely with many individuals and groups. I was sought after for photos by colleagues, and I learned that I even ended up prominently displayed on one’s social networking page as a result! I was thrilled to have seen everyone, and to have enjoyed a truly social event with people I genuinely like.

Aristotle observed 24 centuries ago that the human being is a social animal. We were made for socialization. The extended lack of live, non-virtual social outlets obviously had a devastating impact on our people skills and personal habits. It will take years to undo the damage we have inflicted upon ourselves, in bizarre and misguided attempts to impose laboratory conditions upon the general public. The huge public problems — behavioral, cultural, educational, professional, medical, political, legal, fiscal, monetary, etc. — that were introduced or exposed by this failed effort may well come to be cumulatively worse than the one we were trying to solve.

So live and learn — literally and figuratively! Don’t be afraid to go out, face life, be yourself, and try new things in appropriate ways. Perfect conditions are not part of the human experience, so don’t wait for them. Being visible and recognizable has its rewards in ways that can’t be tangibly measured, but are no less genuine!

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Tags: featured, Transgender, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion