“Message from Stan’s Wife”: Part 2

Part 1

Last month Linda wrote about an ‘eternal love triangle’ involving a ‘CD admirer’ named Stan, Stan’s wife Susan and a pretty young crossdresser named . . . Well, she wasn’t given a name and we weren’t told whether she was pretty or young. Come to think of it she could be you or she could be me if we were to be dating a married man. The last article ended by repeating an e-mail titled ‘Final Message from Stan’s Wife’ where the wife reported finding evidence  that rather than being remorseful about his dalliances her husband was planning further trysts for his upcoming business trip to New York.

A guide to the players:

Stan – a man in his late 50s, originally from the North East, now living and working in Florida. He is a long-time admirer of crossdressers and MTF transsexuals.

Susan – Stan’s wife of three years, knew of Stan’s ‘friendship’ with many TGs but was becoming annoyed with his apparent affairs and now wants to end their marriage.

‘Our heroine’ – an unnamed crossdresser who upon receiving an email message from Susan realized she was about to find herself under the rubble of a crumbling relationship.

Linda – a nosey old hag of a crossdresser, always on the lookout for an interesting story.

Linda writes:

That ‘final message is worth repeating. Susan is frustrated that she is trying to put a stop to Stan’s addiction to crossdressers and he is not cooperating.

I am very sad to say that while I was considering your offer of clarification I discovered that Steve did indeed have a pre-arranged sex tryst scheduled  while he was out on business  in New York. I could not take the pain anymore. I have been aware of ads, dates, and pre arranged hotel rooms in the past. Naturally these things upset me and I plead, with Stan to end them. I cried, name called, and generally bitched until I had to leave the house due to frustration. The more anxious and suspicious I got the more he withdrew.  I have been more tolerant with this problem than with any relationship in my past.

I am truly heartbroken that it has come to this. From the start I had no idea where to go with this situation. I went to bars and he introduced me to a TG friend of his. It was a pleasant meeting. I Googled for information about spousal attractions to TG’s. There was no valuable guidance. I certainly do  not have a Personal vendetta against Transgenders. I asked Stan over and over for understanding. Stan could not clarify the situation. Every time I found that he was flirting or chatting with a TG it sent me into an emotional frenzy. He ask me to tell no one as to protect his reputation. The fact that I had no one to turn to just made it worse. Imagine if you had a problem that was destroying your marriage and NO ONE to confide in because you are protecting your beloved spouse. It stays bottled up and the pressure expands with every incident.  Yes i am heart broken. Again I weep as I type this letter. I do not expect a resolve from you. I am just giving you a perspective from the other side. I will pray that as time goes by that Stan finds happiness and comfort in life.

Peace, happiness and health to you.

Susan

What a tough situation for Stan, I thought. His wife had pretty well laid down an ultimatum that he cease his practice of going to rendezvous with crossdressers yet here he was on a business trip to New York which, next to Los Angeles, is THE place to go to meet pretty crossdressers. Poor Stan; it wasn’t a case of what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. He was yet to arrive in New York and already all kinds of excrement was hitting the fan!

But what had this to do with our heroine? She wasn’t in New York and she had never been to bed with Stan. Perhaps she should have taken Susan at her ‘final message’ word and figuratively moved the conversation to her Recycle bin but she couldn’t resist being the one to have the final word but also to throw out a proverbial olive branch.

Thank you for sharing Susan. I am sorry for the two of you that you both have not been able to resolve the issues around his addiction and the feeling it causes for you.

I am also sorry that you write this was your final message. I do not enjoy that you are in distress but I have felt very honored that you have at least opened up to me.

Feel free to write any time and maybe I can be that e-shoulder you need going forward.

A quick reply came back:

Thank you for your compassion in my time of grief.

Have a blessed day.

Susan

I see from the dates on the emails that it was getting close to Christmas so perhaps our heroine, single and with family mostly estranged, had a lot of time on her hands. She wrote a very long message back to Susan. The subject changed to:

Maybe Final Message from xxxxx

It is a strange world in which we live. It is very hard to fully understand this world. Some people make a very good living trying to explain the mysteries of our world to other people. The mysteries come in many forms: why do volcanoes erupt? Why do hurricanes happen? Why do some birds migrate and others don’t? Why can’t our football team win more football games? Why are some people crossdressers and why are some other people attracted to them?

Over the years I’ve found myself with a lot of questions ‘why’ trying to understand my behavior and the behavior of others. Why do I love to cross dress but I have no strong desire to be a woman? When I was a teenager why did the mere act of wearing lingerie cause in me enough sexual arousal that it led to ejaculation (followed by revulsion). Nowadays why does a man’s interest make me feel so good? When I place an ad on Craig’s List why do men, married men, express an interest in me?

For the most part these questions have remained idle curiosities. However your messages and particularly your recent expression of your ‘grief’ have me taking a closer look at these and other ‘why’s’.

I do not know your Stan very well. Am I right to assume you two have been married about two years?  I take it that he didn’t hide his interest in crossdressers from you, even introducing you to one of his friends. As I recall when I met him two years ago I would have gladly gone to bed with that handsome man but the time was not right for him. He was certainly trying to control his addiction.

I intentionally use the word addiction because I think that people with an obsessive behavior, sexual or otherwise, are as addicted to that behavior as an alcoholic is to drink, a smoker to cigarettes.

We are conditioned through life that men are meant to be with women and that one person is meant to have one partner, for life: that is the way we are supposed to be wired. That is the way God made us, we are told.

Then we think that some people get cross-wired in that some men have a sexual attraction to other men, women to women. We know that happens. There is debate about why it happens but only a small minority in our society do not accept that it does happen.

If that were the only cross-wiring that happens life would be pretty simple.

However as we grow our minds are being shaped. Some of the shaping is done consciously by parents, teachers, television and other learning media. However I believe some of our mind’s shaping is done at a sub-conscious level.  I don’t know why I became interested in crossdressing but I’m pretty sure it happened somewhere in the five to eight year old range and it first became associated with sexual arousal around the age of 11. There was no one telling me ‘you should be a crossdresser’. However I do remember adults around me saying to each other that I would make a very pretty girl.  I had and still have the bluest of eyes that more suggest the softness of femininity than that roughness of masculinity. For a man of a young age it does not take much for a behavior leading to sexual arousal to become addictive. For an 11 year old it is overpowering.

Pedophiles, necrophiles, rubber and latex fetishes and a host of others are not innate interests nor by the time one becomes an adult are they activities that can be easily controlled. They are examples of addictive behaviors.

So, I would suggest, is as you use the term being a ‘tranny chaser’. I prefer admirer but it is the same thing.

My guess is that Stan had this compulsion long before he met you. My guess is also that he tried to control it for your sake but like a failed alcoholic he has fallen short in his attempt.  My guess is that somehow wired in to him is a sexual urge that his wife just can’t meet. That would not mean he does not love you. It is sex, not love.

I have a crossdresser friend who got very lucky when she met her current wife. After a few months of dating they were getting pretty serious so she told revealed all. It took some time to get it all out and she did not leave the part out about her enjoying the company of men.

The response was that although she didn’t know about Linda ‘she’ was a very important part of the person she had come to love. She didn’t want to mess up that person. So they worked out things.

OMG! She was talking about me.

My wife’s reaction to my revelation no doubt saved our budding relationship. If she had issued an ultimatum “Linda or Me!” I would have tried to purge but would have eventually been going around behind her back. She would have become suspicious and she and I would be in the same position that we see Stan and Susan. Instead we are a very happy couple together. We worked it out. But I digress.

Our heroine’s description continued:

For a while they would go out together as two girls. But that stopped with time. Linda didn’t like that she had trouble getting in to the BFF role. Apparently her partner did not like it when she could sense male interest in the two of them as women.

So now Linda goes out on her own. She does not tell her partner what is going on but her now wife has the general idea. Her standard bidding is: “Be careful”.

My gosh! How did I drift so far off course?  I probably should not send this to you but I will anyway.

The point I wanted to get across is that while you see Stan’s actions as betrayal it is probably that but like any addict he is not fully in control of his actions.

Secondly it is wrong to stereotype all us transgender folks as ticking time bombs of STDs. We want to stay clean as much as the next person does.

Finally I wish you well.

Well, that was quite something to see myself as the subject of a treatise on crossdressing as addictive behavior. I do not think I had ever thought of myself as addicted but I suppose it could be true. However this essay is not about me. It is about Stan and Susan. Besides if my attraction to crossdressing is an addiction does that mean Stan’s addiction to crossdressers is also an addiction? I didn’t know but our heroine obviously felt there was a similarity.

I did agree with my friend’s main point that Stan’s interest in crossdressers is not so much a betrayal of his relationship with Susan as it is an expression of behaviors ‘imprinted’ at a much earlier age in to his sexual psyche.

‘Imprinted’? The word is Stan’s’; not mine. Not long after this exchange of emails I got a chance to talk with Stan. I asked him about his sexual interest in TGs and how it started. If he gives permission I would like to tell you because it gives support to the idea that our sexual patterns are formed quite early in life but not so early as to be part of our genetic make up.

Next time I will tell you how Susan responded to our friend’s essay and how Susan suggested our friend should ask Stan to accompany her to a New Year’s Party.

Tags: crossdressing, featured, opinion

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Fun & Entertainment, Transgender Opinion