Imagine
Commitments mean something. Before we make them — and promise the world to a “significant other” — we need a clear head and complete readiness to open our minds, reveal our strengths and weaknesses, and be 100% willing to do everything we can for a happy future and a fulfilling life.
If we fall short on this . . . imagine the consequences, think!
At one day in the distant future, like after 30 years of marriage, you could come to learn that your wife has been having a longtime affair. In such a case, what thoughts would fly through your head? What would you do? Who would you turn to for help? How would this impact your life, your kids, and the grandchildren? You put 100% into your marriage and despite what you did, she destroyed your marital foundation and you were clueless.
You would be distraught with feelings of lies and betrayal. How could she have hidden this atrocious long-term love affair — right in front of your eyes? Of course you would be hurt, outraged, distressed and perhaps physically ill. You would not stop wondering how she got away with it . . . and how could you have been so inapt, emotionally disconnected, not to find out?
Imagine . . . you were so secure in your life . . . just sailing through the birthdays, anniversaries, birth of your children and grandchildren. You imagined all was well until the virtual hand grenade hit your marriage.
Imagine. . . She did not even have the courage — or decency — to tell you the truth. She set you up for a life full of lies, and you believed it all.
Imagine! Where are you now with the real truth? Why didn’t she disclose before marriage she was having an affair with her married ex-lover for 3 decades? And you found out because your friends all suspected it for years. You’d feel like a heartbroken fool, who certainly did not deserve to be disrespected, betrayed and lied to from the one you chose to love — till death.
Imagine you would then discover that this outside lover was one of her old boyfriends and had always been present in your 30-year marriage. Your family was your life . . . yet now that you discovered the truth, how could you go on and have an intimate relationship with someone who was once the person you trusted the most . . . but now the one you distrust the most — with horrible but valid reasons? From now on, you would not be able to believe anything she says, because she broke your vows, your trust, your hopes and dreams. Since you would be so much older now, was it best for the family to stay together and just forget what had really taken place? Let her continue her long-term romance with that lover and look the other way?
Good luck trying to let it go, ignore your own feelings and accept that she loves him more than she ever loved you. You might be able to disassociate your emotions with your wife and engage in sex acts. But you know that the emotional attachment was gone . . . that love, trust and truth had left your marriage.
How could you make her love you more than him? How could you change her and get her to realize the pain and anguish you feel in spite of fears that you may never get over the betrayal of your marriage?
Imagine all those consequences . . . before it is too late, before you try to live with a lie in your own future; you try to live with only the hope that your life partner will never find out the truth.
Now — fortunately — all those terrible imaginations are not going to become true, if you decide to be honest about your weaknesses, events in your past live, secrets that can become disastrous — before making the commitment, whether it is all about crossdressing, or any other passions or dark areas in your life that you think you cannot ignore.
Imaginations are powerful. They can hurt — but they can also help. They can represent the difference between happiness and hopelessness. They can make all the difference in the world.
Imagine. Right now. And set the sail for a happy future by being true and honest. You will not regret it.
Cheers,
Dee A Levy, MA
The Cross Dresser’s Wife Our Secret Lives (Hunt)
www.crossdresserswives@gmail.com
cdwives@gmail.com
Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion
About the Author (Author Profile)
Dee A. Levy is the former spouse of a crossdresser. She has a BA in Women Studies and MA in Social Sciences and Comparative Education. She is the author of The Cross Dresser's Wife -- Our Secret Lives, available at Amazon.com, Kindle, Barnes and Noble, & www.crossdresserswives.com.Subscribe
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Well, folks, the two-week discussion window on this page is almost up, and Dee – once again – has chosen not to respond to our comments following her latest dollop of steaming brown stuff.
I’m wondering why. Two possibilities spring to mind.
Firstly, Dee actually believes that what she writes is The Absolute Truth. She really DOES believe that crossdressing is worse than passing on a sexually transmitted disease, and that those who partake in the activity are weak-willed, and are indulging a fantasy extra-marital affair with themselves. Her marriage to a crossdresser has given her the ultimate insight into everything that stinks about crossdressers and crossdressing, and because it’s The Absolute Truth, it’s not open to debate. She’s right, and everyone else is wrong. Game over.
Either that, or Dee is a troll. She deliberately writes rubbish that she knows will rile some members of her audience who live crossdressing day-in and day-out, just to get some warped thrill out of seeing them respond. The identifying characteristics of a troll are endless repetitions of a single theme, and not responding to criticism of their material … how familiar does that sound?
One of the aims of this forum is to engage people in debate … it must be, otherwise why is there a window at the bottom of the page which invites us to “leave a reply”? There are precious few TGF members who actually respond to anything that’s posted on this site, so one might think that all responses would be encouraged and valued. But when a regular columnist writes a series of controversial pieces, then consistently refuses to justify their position – or even to engage in any sort of discussion – well, what’s the point in having an interactive forum? It just becomes a blog for bigots and disaffected individuals to vent off their prejudices, happy in the knowledge that no matter how offensive the stuff they write, they’ll never be accountable for a single word of it.
Hi Graham,
I think that many of our readers don’t take the time to login. If they’re not logged in they can’t comment. So I take the opportunity to urge everyone to login every time you visit TGF!
Angela
I also happen to agree with Dee’s point of view, Linda. As I’ve written many times in this forum – and will doubtless write many times more – it’s essential that crossdressers start being honest with the outside world. But first, they must start being honest with themselves. In many – I would say most – instances, the problem that partners have with crosssdressing isn’t the activity itself, but all the secrecy, subterfuge, and lies that crossdressers find it necessary to indulge in to cover their tracks.
However, I disagree that “The issue is not whether crossdressing, transvestism, gender dysphoria or whatever is an activity of choice. That doesn’t matter here.” On the contrary, it absolutely DOES matter. If someone doesn’t understand – or can’t be bothered to find out – what crossdressing is about, what right have they to dictate our agenda, and how much credibility should we give to any advice they offer? Dee claims that she was married to a crossdresser for years, and yet her recent comments highlighted in my earlier response suggests that she lacks even the most basic understanding of the condition. Her CDWives website even quotes DSM’s infamous section 302.3 about “transvestic fetishism” – the “shoot first, ask questions later” policy that automatically brands all crossdresers as perverts. I don’t think that’s helpful in the slightest … especially on a site that claims to offer “support” to crossdressers’ partners.
“Could she have picked a better analogy?” If you mean the one about comparing being a crossdresser unfavourably with passing on a sexual infection to a partner, then yes, she certainly could. And frankly, that matters too. In fact, the use of such offensive language should matter to ALL of us here, and frankly, I’m appalled that I seemed to be the one only one around these parts who said so ta the time. Replace the word “crossdresser” with “homosexual or “black” or “Jew”, and I think you’ll get the gist of what I’m saying.
Oh, and finally – do you not think that greeting us all with the term “girls” is ironic? You say “I do not always agree with Dee’s point of view but on this one I’m right beside her.” Are you really? Dee’s talking about honesty within the crossdressing community; is not referring to us as “girls” symbolic of the problem of DIS-honesty? Crossdressers aren’t girls – they’re men, and the sooner we all get that through our thick heads, the better. Read my first paragraph again, particularly the sentence “But first, they must start being honest with themselves” …
Girls, you are missing the message of the article. I do not always agree with Dee’s point of view but on this one I’m right beside her.
The issue is not whether crossdressing, transvestism, gender dysphoria or whatever is an activity of choice. That doesn’t matter here. The issue is whether you should disclose your interest/ condition or whatever to your partner before the lifelong part starts or not. She feels yes you should disclose and so do I.
Could she have picked a better analogy? Perhaps hiding the fact that you are infertile when you know she wants to have children might be closer.
But that doesn’t matter.
Dee is not really talking to us old broads who have already made our beds, made our choice and if we married someone like Dee we have had to deal with the consequences. Her message is really to the person like the one we were 20-30- 40 years ago inwardly dealing with feelings of gender identity while outwardly pursuing the girl of our dreams. I hope the next generation get to read her message and get to make the right choice.
I can only imagine why anyone would want to publish such a rant. I suppose its total lack of empathy or understanding draws a stark contrast with the tolerance and insight that most of us seek. That could be useful – I suppose? Unfortunately, her obsession characterizes this women as unfavorably narrow minded and judgmental. None of us really know the basis for our crossdressing propensities, but are they genuinely more selfish than all or most of the compelling behaviors of other men and women? Dee is not a person that I would care to discuss anything with – until she releases her anger!
Graham has a point. Seriously Dee, if you want credibility in this community, you need to recognize some realities. 1-crossdressing is not a choice, an affair is 2. not all of us even knew what transvestism was when we first married. 3. not all wives are tolerant or accepting, even when knowing. Is it better to not tell and keep the marriage together? I still find it incongrous that you knew for 10 years and then divorced
A few weeks ago you offensively compared being a crossdresser with passing on a sexual infection to a partner; now you’re saying it’s a “weakness” equivalent to having a lifelong affair outside of one’s marriage.
Seriously, lady, you need to seek psychiatric help. Then before you set pen to paper again, you should pick up some academic literature on crossdressing and do some homework. Because whatever universe it is you apparently live in, it’s certainly not one I recognise.