I Don’t FEEL Delusional
I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m kind of feeling kinda’ crappy about being trans lately. It’s like we are more reviled than ever. We are white-hot news lately and I don’t really like it. I think it’s too much, too fast. More and more people are calling it “a choice.” More and more are saying that we are delusional and living in a fantasy. It’s really hard to hear.
If I had my choice, I would not be trans. Sometimes, I actually get scared that I am. If I think about it right now, I feel like a freak of nature. I question my own mind. I ask myself, “What the f##k are you DOING!?” Why me? Why, out of all of the people in the world do I have to be like this? Maybe I don’t want to be reviled. Maybe I just want to live in peace.
More and more, I start to understand the trans folks who get their surgery, and then disappear into society. It’s exhausting to be trans. I used to think that they were turning their backs on the community. Now, I’m thinking that they don’t want to have to think about it anymore. They just want to be “normal.”
It’s a constant battle when you are trans in this society. Yes, I pass well and don’t have issues related to passing. I am a lucky one. Still . . . it’s a hard pill to swallow every day that you are a reviled minority. There is a whole quarter or more of the U.S. that just wants you to go away or preferably, die. This is tough to live with and process. Maybe I don’t want all of this.
Did you ever have those quiet moments? You know the ones. You read something in the news or something horrible that some Southern Baptist or Evangelical preacher said about “transgenders” (shudder). You are in your room or home or car, and that feeling wells up. It whispers . . . “What if they are right? What if I am just a autogynephelic, or I am imagining all of this? Am I taking a fantasy too far? Was I subject to the power of suggestion by my community?:
I suspect we all have these moments no matter who we are, how long it’s been, how much of an activist, or how much we integrate into society. I’m sure Jenny Boylan, Laverne Cox, and Carmen Carrera have had moments. I’m sure that Buck Angel, Jamison Green and Chaz Bono have had them. In the dark of the lonely night, that’s when the thoughts come.
Why are we this way? There are so many theories. All of which are considered “liberal agenda” to the people who revile us. Why won’t people just accept that there are “birth defects” of the mind/body connection? Why do they have to be so closed off?
They accept that the world is not flat anymore, that there are other planets, that we visited the moon . . . Okay, MOST of them do. People can grow a bad arm or a club foot or even be co-joined twins sharing a heart. That is accepted. But dammit, if you have a penis and your brain is female — EEEEENNNNNNT!!! The sound of The Family Feud buzzer goes off in their heads. They just can’t possibly accept it. “Gawd does NAWT mayke mistaaaykes!!” they cry. The club foot notwithstanding, of course.
I know how I feel. Either someone brainwashed millions of people through the ages, all around the world, to feel like their mind/body connection is not congruent — OR — this is actually a real condition. Which is more plausible?
I am heartened by the kids and young people. How can a child of say, 3 know what gender is? They are in a bubble of toys and protection from outside influences. They just feel it in the purest of ways. They are yet unfettered by the jaded society that we live in. They are raw emotion and of the purest thought. They will be the key to the future.
I am wearing leggings today. I love leggings. They make me feel good and “right.” I like seeing my hair in my peripheral vision. It makes me feel “right.” Are these fantasies or delusions? Or are they just my identity? Do I feel good from them because I KNOW they are female things? Or, do they feel good because they are MY things? These are the burning questions. Maybe someday smart people will find a conclusive answer to these questions. Hopefully, someday, the people who revile us, will not anymore. Someday . . . .
In the meantime, I just go about being me. I don’t feel delusional, but yet, I don’t know what delusional feels like. As in the great words of Van Halen singer David Lee Roth, “I don’t FEEL tardy.”
Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion
About the Author (Author Profile)
I am a transwoman originally from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living full time for 5 years. I work in retail but am an artist/Graphic Designer and aspiring writer. I tend to address the controversial in my writing. I would love to change the world one article at a time. I moved to The San Francisco Bay Area to start over, again. But recently moved back to the East Coast. The adventure continues...Subscribe
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