I am NOT gay!

During the last few weeks, I’ve made a new acquaintance, read an interesting autobiography, spoken at length with an old and dear friend, and reviewed parts of my personal journey. What hits me is the prominent place gay/lesbian/bisexual questioning comes into play with our Trans* journeys. The number of folks in our community I have personally been in contact with, almost to a person, has gone through a period where they wondered if they were gay. I find in older folks who came out later, like myself, especially went through the “Am I gay?” questioning.

Please, don’t think I’m homophobic. Quite the opposite. I’ve worked for years for equality in the LGBTQ community. When I was first coming out, it was my dear friend Bob, a gay man, who helped me see many of the obstacles and challenges that lay before me. He was then and still remains one of my closest friends and respected advisers.

I see it as logical as we begin to understand ourselves that the first question we ask is, “Am I gay?” With so much visibility and media exposure, historical references, biblical implications, the gay communities’ triumphs and tragedies, being gay seemed, at least to me, to be the first question I asked. What helped to push me in that direction was growing up and being accused of being gay. Even after becoming an adult, I found myself being asked the same question. After a while, I began to wonder too.

As I questioned myself, one thing I knew for sure, I didn’t want to be a woman so I could be with men. I’m not into guys. I love women, am a woman and that was my answer. Being capable of worrying more than needed, I also considered I may be bisexual. Again the men in the equation blew up that theory. One of the folks I’m getting to know thought she was just a very masculine lesbian. She went along for quite a while thinking she was butch, but as time went on, it became clearer and clearer she was a man. Now that he is on the journey to become his true self, life is much better.

In the autobiography I recently read, The Last Word by Quentin Crisp, his third autobiography actually, he confessed to having a life-long dream of being a beautiful woman. He admits his small measure of fame came from being a homosexual. Only in his nineties did he admit and openly declare he was Trans* and, indeed, a woman. I would imagine I’m not the only person on TGForum who wrestled with this topic.

With all the questioning it takes to get where we are today, at least for me I can say, I am not a gay or bisexual male. I do, from time-to-time, wonder if the fact I am married and deeply in love with a woman constitutes being a lesbian. I’ll wait till next time to talk about this.

With this being my last post before the holiday season, please accept from me and my beautiful bride Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanza, all the seasons best.

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Tags: featured, Identity, opinion, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul