Going from B.C. to A.D.

Now what do I mean by that title? The most well known meaning for B.C. is from Before Christ or Before Common Era and for A.D. is Anno Domini. For me, it’s the line separating my old life and my new life. B.C. means Before Cate and A.D. means After Doug. It’s interesting and odd I delineate almost everything with the B.C. and A.D. designation. Recently, reminiscing with a dear friend, I found myself saying, “Doug did that,” and “I do this.” She said I talk as if it were two different people. This back and forth confused her and I found it difficult to explain.

I’m not alone

In discussions with other trans* men and women who didn’t begin their transition until later, the decades they spent in their former lives cannot be dismissed or would many of them want to do so. There is so much I cherish from then and why would I ever deny it happened. My life before is as precious as my current life. I don’t want to do anything to erase, minimize or forget where I came from and who I was, including all of the lonely, fearful and terrible times in my life. I also don’t want to minimize or diminish who I now am. I wouldn’t be the person I am without all that I was before. The question needs to be asked, “If life was so good, why transition?” It’s not simple, but it can be distilled down to this: B.C. belongs to a man, A.D. belongs to a woman.

Constant reminders

In my home are constant reminders of my past. Pictures of young children fishing with dad, father of the bride dance photo, a young Coast Guardsman, fresh out of boot camp, fifty years worth of memories, images and masculinity. I look and remember the good, fun times and try to forget the confusion, torment and fear. Dinner table chats with my sisters about our cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, vacations and school and who we all were then and who we are now bring the past right back. Looking in the mirror, I see the real me, but visions from the past will never fade.

All of us

Straddling this line will forever be part of my life. All trans* people deal with it in their own way. Some want to wipe out what came before because it was too painful and traumatic, while others do not. I understand their feelings and honor them. I look back across the line and love the good times and cherish what was learned during the difficult periods. Who I was before helped to make me who I am now.

Tags: featured, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual

Category: Transgender Body & Soul