Fear is Fear is…

“…the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” So said Franklin D Roosevelt in 1933. Strong and inspiring words. But FDR wasn’t a TG.

What is a crossdresser’s worst fear? For me it was being seen and identified by someone I knew in my drab life. The mere thought of it made my blood run Cold. Personal and possibly professional ruin would stare me in the face. Said person would most certainly tell my Wife, who would then throw me out, right?

My long time readers may remember me writing about those times — back when my “brief” was to write about how to successfully dress and hide it from everyone in my drab life, especially Wife. It was years ago, but it seems like another life. Because it was another life. Heck, was it just a year ago that I wrote another column on the topic of fear? In it I discussed how I was going to try to cope with going full time a few months hence. I concluded by saying “It’s OK to be scared.”

And I was. And I am.

But it’s still ok.

What am I afraid of now? After all, I’m out as a woman for all to see. Everyone I know is aware of my transition. Well, most people. At my bookstore job tonight, a former coworker from over twenty years ago came through my line and didn’t recognize me, despite being right in front of me. And I didn’t tip my hand at all. Let him wonder. In any case, those actively in my life know.

So I’m still afraid. Of what? Oh, lots of things. Six transpeople have been murdered already this year, and it’s only February. I don’t want to be a statistic. And speaking of statistics, we all know about how TG people have a phenomenally high suicide rate. I don’t want to join that statistic either. Technically, as a suicide survivor, I’m already part of it, but you know what I mean. Then there’s the statistic of how many TG people can’t afford GCS, of which I’m also a part. I’m also part of the statistic of 350,000 living Penn State alumni. But that has nothing to do with being TG, unless one wonders, as I do, how many of those alumni are trans like myself. That’s neither here or there, though, and veers dangerously off topic. Oh look! A squirrel!

What is it like being full time and not being afraid of discovery? And should I join the “transmafia” who looks down on crossdressers who are “obviously” inferior? Oh please. Well, being full time is wonderful. I have never felt as comfortable in my own skin. I am at Peace. That’s a word I use too much these days, especially in my own blog (shameless plug) but it’s the only word that describes how being full time as my True Self feels.

As to the second part, I’m no better or worse than anyone on the Gender spectrum. We all walk our own path. Truth to tell, the fear of exposure added a level of Thrill to going out once a month like I used to back then. As the man sings “the thrill is gone” but what replaced it is so much more gratifying. All the little things that Genetic Women take for granted- the feeling of my own breasts in my bra; being called “miss” and “ma’am” regularly; wearing a dress to work; sweeping my long hair from under my collar; putting on makeup to go to work… yes they ARE little things, but they are important to me. And they are the things I dreamed about a short year or two ago.

I re-read my older blog entries last week (another shameless plug) and I am struck with how almost everything I longed for back then — 5 years or so ago — are exactly what I have now. And if I cowered in fear, I’d have none of this now.

So yes, it’s OK to be afraid, but don’t let Fear rule your life. Not all of us transition, and one should really look into their own hearts with the help of a trained therapist before even considering full time, as once Pandora’s Box is open, there is no going back. Going back. That’s something I fear — failure at this. Having to go back to being Male. I’m so far past that point no that, like my dear friend Christen Bustani, I get “ma’am-ed” even without makeup and wearing a breast-obscuring sweater.

There is no going back.

But there will always be Fear. And that’s okay.

Tags: fear, featured, opinion, passing, Transgender, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul