Father’s Day?
Chances are if your parents had no kids, you won’t either. That said, unless your mother is named Mary and you were born in a stable somewhere, you have a father. Funny how that works, isn’t it? Now from there we go to all the variations: absentee dad, dad passed away, abusive dad, alcoholic dad, jock dad, military dad, closeted gay dad, Ward Cleaver, Mike Brady, Darth Vadar — you get the idea.
Despite how I look, with the boobs and skirt and all, I am a father. I have a daughter, and I am not alone this way. Many trans-people have kids. Mine is three years old. I am not going to go into the effect that our “condition” has on kids. If you want that, there are piles upon piles of books, papers, articles, tv shows, you name it. Add to that there are doctors specializing in this field.
No, I want to talk about how it affects just one person: me. (I happen to be an expert on that topic.) I know transwomen who have kids in college and out whose kids are now okay with it. Others whose kids don’t speak to them. Many whose kids don’t know. Kids really throw a monkey wrench into it (not that this is ever easy.) I have heard that being trans is “the great solvent — it dissolves all marriages.” True or not, a disintegrating marriage is tough enough without a kid, but throw a three year old into it?
“Mommy why did daddy leave?”
“So he can dress like a girl.”
That’s if I’m getting along with her mother. “Because he’s a disgusting sinner” may come up otherwise.
Okay. So how would I tell my daughter? How would I continue having a relationship with her? My wife is really religious and would probably do her best to make sure my heretical crazy self would never see my daughter again. Even if I did, how do I explain to her the simple question of “why?” Okay, that last one has many answers in the aforementioned piles of research and on all the websites that we as a community frequent (including this one.) But what will MY answer be?
And what would I tell my father: the military, abusive, alcoholic dad? Shall I just wait until the cancer takes him? Or do I try to explain it to him? Do I need to? I don’t think so. I don’t need to justify myself to him for anything. Some will find that sad. I say don’t judge. My dad and I don’t get along and never have, for many reasons. Yet there are so many people who wish they could still see their dads just once more. Their dads are gone.
In the end, my daughter will always be my daughter, and I will be her father as long as I liven — no matter what gender I am. Someday she may understand. She may even become a better person for it — I’ve seen that happen. But how do I get from this point to there? Well, first there’s that whole “telling the wife” thing that comes first. Maybe I should sort that before worrying about the rest?
I’m asking a lot of unanswerable questions here. But that’s what being a parent is, right? Trying to find those answers. Trying to do the best by your child yet still remain yourself. Some dads screw up — and there are so many ways to do that. My dad is a prime example. But I carry his DNA. I have passed it to my daughter. My daughter — who will grow up to be a woman someday. So simple, yet for others so unattainable.
And I’m her dad, and in a little girl’s eyes a dad can do everything.
Perhaps even be a woman someday as well.
Happy Fathers day to all. Especially to the female ones.
Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion
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I’m one of the lucky ones I suppose. My wife knows, and is supportive. My son does not, and my live in dad doesn’t either. My son will probably be told/find out some day. There doesn’t seem to be any urgency on that. He’s in college now. My dad doesn’t really need to know, and I don’t plan to tell him. If he finds out.. so be it. I was fortunate, and have been, to have a nice father’s day. My son, and wife remembered, and made a fuss over me and my dad. Now, if I could just find some time to put on a dress… life would be perfect :)!
Amanda Richards
so my entire family forgot me yesterday on father’s day. its sort of a tradition. i think. people tend to forget that dad is human too. its very lonely taking on all the responsibility. a lot of men that are dads do that you know; mine did. my mother blissfully let him . there was no balance between the male and female. so with my wife. i tried to help her evolve to a place of more balance. but instead she sought out another and cheated. not a good scenario. !! so now i am forgiving them all again. over and over. and myself.
i think we have a huge social problem in this world. the circle is broken in so many ways. until we address the balance of male and female and mend the circle families will tend to break and dissolve. when the children grow up they repeat this pattern. and then wonder why their children don’t remember them later.